dh looked at porn while kids were literally feet away from him, and other stuff .sorry:long, miserable rant

[hk78]

maybe i should have put this in AIBU?

i've posted on here before about him - he's got lots of previous, e.g. spending all the housekeeping money on designer clothes for himself on ebay, buying/looking at porn all the time, won't or can't communicate, secretly buying himself a laptop (so he can look at porn while he's at work?i'm guessing)

i can show him affection because i just get jumped on like it's an invitation that i'm gagging for it, strangely enough i'm not gagging for it with him, wonder why? (not anyone else either though)

he is constantly lying : even about things that don't need lying about, iyswim. always buying stuff and telling me its for a 'friend' but he hasnt got any friendslast time it was a pc disk storage thingy, obviously so he can carry porn round in his pocket ffs

on saturday, my best friend was round with her dd. we were in the kitchen and her dd and my dd1 & 2 were all playing 'fairies' they were in and out of all the rooms, on the landing, up and down the stairs, etc.

i came in to say something to dh and he was looking at porn on our pc (and through my homepage as well)

the door was wide open, screen faces doorway so you can instantly see everything. he never even heard me come in , he was so engrossed, so what if it had been one of the kids?

went back into kitchen and told best friend, who was like me

when he wandered in 10 minutes later, i said we'd seen him, there's a time and a place, wtf is wrong with you, what if the kids had come in etc.

he gave no answer, just instantly started walking away when he realised what i was saying (breaking into a trot at one point to get away from me) (this is the same method he uses when you ask him anything though)

i accept men playing with themselves and looking at a bit of porn etc., but i'm thinking a good time to do it is when everyone's OUT! AIBU?

and he basically hasn't spoken to me since, the usual turning it round to being my fault

i'm supposed to be going away with dd1 this weekend, now i think i should take dd2 with me cos how can i trust him to bloody look after her without something like this going on? i cant even leave the room ffs!

i've even told my parents and i dont usually as we dont get on great, but even they agreed with me

he's done so many weird things like this. what kind of man is he, do i not know him at all? i'm still here after all his other crap for the childrens sake, because they adore him and i wont take them away from that, and because i thought he was a great dad.

now i'm thinking he cant be normal: it's one thing getting the urge to have a quick bit of porn, but surely the sound and proximity of 3 little kids would kill that urge (until we'd all gone out or whatever)?? i am a bit scared tbh.

i can't bear to look at him and i don't want to leave his own daughter with him overnight.

last time i went out for a bit in the daytime with best friend, he said to me 'i dont know why you say you dont get time for a shower when you've got the kids. i had my shower easy, i just did it when they were outside playing on the trampoline" er...out in the garden unsupervised, on a trampoline, dd2 was only 4, dd1 is 8 but has hemiplegia, wtf? obviously to stop me going out, if he wasnt making it up, but why involve the kids in danger?
and he has a pattern of trying to cause trouble when best friend is around,e.g.derogatory, sarky comments, normally we laugh it off but this involved the kids...

what does that say? why won't he say anything? i'd love to think it's cos he's so ashamed etc but it's probably because he's decided its my fault or something,lol

and things have been a lot better for a while. he always does this: if things are ok, he seems to have a need to sabotage. i think it's more about himself than anything.

what a f*kin disaster, i am scared of the future. i cant split the marriage up because i cant do it to the children. i am willing to tolerate it if it keeps their lives on the smooth, but ...i dunno. i think he needs help.?

we've been here before and i said he or we "must get help and also why don't you try going to the gym or something as it helps me feel better mentally"

so he chose "start going to the gym" so he could not have to get counselling or whatever and that was bloody ages ago

he goes to the gym (or does he, ? maybe he sits in the car looking at his laptop which he denied owning!)

god, what is going to happen

well done and thank you if you've got this far, i know its long and self indulgent but i have been saving it up since saturday (well, years actually!) i've been holding it in, waiting for the kids to be back at school. i just want to do whats best for them.

oh god sorry, i've just looked at that and realised how long and ranty it really is,sorry

i'm off to the school run now, i will come back tomorrow probably, please help, please give me some advice

also, i know it reads like i'm a bitch, but i dont think i am, i am just a good person and a loving (but not perfect) mum who is utterly at the end of her tether with dh behaving like a kid/teenager: he just wants to "create" one thing after another, is it some kind of attention seeking do you think or what?

Crikey, no, YANBU AT ALL. I've got to run and do the school run now, but will check again and hopefully you'll have loads of posts. Feel so for you...

if you arent happy sooner or later neither will your kids, dont waste your life, if you really dont love him dont stay for the kids. They wont thank you in the future, bite the bullet and leave. It will be tough the kids will be upset but at least you will be happy!!

Okay,
lots to take in there and alot of issues.
Firstly, - none of this behaviuor os normal. Fact
he runs away from you if you tell him off ??WTF.
forget 'going to the gym or whatever, this man is abusing your trust, your patience , your esteem etc etc.
If he looks at porn in front of the kids and they see it, I could be wrong and I'm sure somebody will correct me, but that could well be illegal and considered sexual abuse in the eyes of the law.
His behaviur is riduculous and he knows it. But you are letting him get away with it.
There is cllearly a man with a lot of his own issues here.
You think you are doing the right thing for your kids by staying with him. he cannot be 'a great dad' whilst treating the mother of his children this way.
I am really sad for you, please come back onto this topic, there arae going to be some very wise ladies posting you advice, I am sure.
chin up.

apols for crap typing

hk78 you are evrything but a bitch, do not even think that for a minute. I am so you found youself in this situation which is surely hurtful.

His behaviour is shocking!! I am sure every bloke likes to watch some porn here and there (men correct me if I am wrong), but not at all times and this obsessively. Even if there were no kids around I still think it is a bit much TBH. It really seems an obsession.
But with the kids? and your friend around? He has got issues which he should try to analyse somehow and which you should not underestimate IMO, for your sake and that of you DDs.
All this lying as well, that is no good at all, whether is the laptop or the clothes. what's going on?
Can you honestly say you trust this man?

staying together is not always the best solution, not even for the kids. you need a good confrontation and a good reshuffle of things.

He just doesn't sound normal. You do not watch porn when you have guests over, even if it is your wife's friend, and you especially do not watch it with children in the vicinity. That is just making my skin crawl.

I am sorry but I would never leave my children alone with somebody like that.

I can understand you staying for the children's sake, but I don't think it is always in the children's best interest for the parents to stay together (i.e. in cases where the parents are constantly fighting, abusive and the like).

I do think you need to look at the reasons for why exactly you are staying with this man!? It ain't good for the children if their mother is constantly going around with feelings of disgust (?) towards their father.

It does not sound as if this relationship is making you happy whatsoever.

Yes, speaking as a guy, and much as I hate to pass judgement based on the limited information you get on here, he does have a problem to at least some extent.

It may be that he actually has an addiction to porn given some of the characteristics you describe (e.g. lying about it, risking significant relationships, compulsive behaviour, preoccupation, inability to limit time or money involved). Again, I have no background in pyschology myself so please speak to more thoughtful people than I about it, much the nature of his use of porn does suggest an addiction.

Any addiction is clearly likely to be damaging to even the healthiest of relationships so this is maybe the right place to start. I'm not sure what the right resource would be, but searching through advice on either sex addiction or porn addicition might be a good starting point. Should it fit with his behaviour patterns, the advice might also indicate further resources which could help you. Hope this helps.

Please don't think i am saying this lightly, because I think you have some serious issues here and i think you need counselling, if not together, then at least for yourself. Try calling Relate for some help.

i think the problem may be addiction. a self obsessed addiction
lying to cover tracks
stupid lying

reinventing universal truths ....or things that you have knows about eachother for years into " but i never have time to...."

etc

yep addiction

my dh didn't admit he was addicted to the pc until i left him - it wasn't porn but i don't actually thing the fixatin of the addiction is the important thing.

i think slapping the back of your hand to forehead proclaiming PORN oh PORN how could he

rather misses the point. its not the porn

the the lying
the deciet
the lack of respect
the lack of family interaction
the lack of emotional investment int he family
the lack of trust.

thats the issue really.

so for my dh the answer was anger management - your dh it could be a course around how to communicate more effectivley in social and personal situations??

and marriage guidence.

just get that third person in the room - and let them try to explain away - what they glibbly explain away when you are on your own

its like there is an audience - a someone whom they don't know - judging.

and suddenly the bullshit hits a wall and they have to say erm..... yeah i'm a complete twat. and then move forward.

thats if you want to even bother?

ok i would normally do this under an alter, but what the hell, you have been brave to post about this, so i will too

my dp until fairly recently had an addiction to porn, he has had since he was a teenager, however it wasnt until we got internet acces, first dial up and then broadband that it became a problem.

years ago, when we just had ds1 i realised he was looking at porn ALOT, our phone bills werea stronomical,, which we could not afford at all, i was at uni and he had just graduated, then we had ds2 and it all got loads worse.

part of it was because he was depressed, money issues etc, but the porn just got totally out of hand, it was an escape, a release, much easy to get a "quick fix" from porn than it is to interact with a real person ie your partner.

for years this went on and he would promise not to look at it or cut back the amount that he looked at it etc, and then it would all blow up again, but i didnt know where to turn. it was awful, on the surface we had a fantastic relationship, he was great with the kids (by this point we had three) and would help around the house etc and could be very caring and loving. BUT he would stay up till all hours looking at porn, infact i discovered every time i was out of the house he would be looking at porn, even if he had the kids there even when i was just out for an hours driving lesson he would look at porn, it was riddiculous.

the final straw came when i had some friends round, we had taken pics of the kids with out digital camera and decided to load them onto the pc so we could print them off, only when i opened up the "family photos" section on our pc, it was not filled just with family photos but with THOUSANDS of porn pictures and they just popped open, full screen for my friends to see at the time i made out i knew about the stuff and that it was ok etc, but when they left i sobbed my heart out and sent my dp a series of furious txt messages saying enough was enough etc.

that day i emailed a close friend and for the first time told her about the issue, i felt so embarrased and mortified by it all

dp knew he had gone to far etc and we registerd with relate and looked up porn addiction on the net etc, there are some sites you can join for advice support, for you and him.

anyway relate were great, we were embarrased of course, i felt that the assumption would be that he looked at porn cos i was crap in bed or that we didnt have sex, WHICH IS NOT THE CASE. it turns out that porn is one of the main reasons couples go to relate, and for men the problem is they see it as a seperate thing, not related to their relationship, whilst women dont see it like that at all.

we attended relate for about 6mths? or so and we had our ups and downs etc, he gave me permission to put a password protector on the pc to stop him looking at porn, tho he hacked that twice. we stopped going to relate 6mths ago, as the counsellor thought we were ok and we were, but there have still been issues, i foudn out he had hacked the pc one more time, but for the past 5mths things have been ok.

we have our moments and we are rebuilding the trust in our relationship etc.

but relate helped us to talk and be honest, they gave us tactics to help when we were going through a rough patch and helped me to understand him and the porn addiction better.

sorry this is long and waffly, porn has not been the only issue we had problems with, huge debt, him lying and hiding bills etc, he hasnt done that for two years now but all these things the lying the porn etc were all sort of interlinked and related.

your situation sounds similar, so i want you to know you are not the only one and things can work out if that is what you both want

my dp is on the way home from work now and the the house is a mess, i need to do a mad blitz so it doesnt look like i have sat looking at mumsnet all day but if you want to chat my email is on profile and i will check up on this thread and add more when the kids are in bed and i have time to concentrate etc.

will be thinking of you xxxxxx

His behaviour in general does sound worrying and the idea of looking at porn while the house is full of DCs and your friends is way beyond normal. I say that as someone who looks at pron, knows other peole who look at porn, etc. Porn is not the actual issue here, its his refusal to engage with you or show any consideration for his family.
If he won't agree to go to Relate or similar with you, then I think you might have to start considering separation because living with a deeply selfish, self-obsessed person (even if it's a mental health issue and he can't entirely help it) is not healthy for you or the children if that person is not prepared to seek any kind of help or compromise in any way.

thanks for all your replies folks, it's been helpful. it's been interesting to see what a common problem it is as well ,sadly.

well, we've sort of patched it over again until the next thing comes along

no i am not happy: but basically he 'turned it round'to avoid having to deal with the issues (usual thing) and woke up dd1 who heard him shouting 'i've had enough i'm going' or whatever, she started screaming so then it basically became about comforting her, which i am more interested in: so of course i 'let it lie' etc. for dd's again. i'm not being a martyr, i know it' s my choice, but that's basically why i let it go. don't really know what else to say about it, i feel a bit flat and run out of things to say about it cos it's all crap: but thanks mumsnetters: it feels better just knowing i can have a 'vent' on here, and it's good to see others ideas as well.

He didn't go though did he?. Another empty threat. He did not care that he woke up your DD.

Poor children, they're all caught up in this mess as much as you are. Turning it around to blame you is a classic tactic used by abusers; if you've had this for a long time its small wonder you do not know where to turn. You likely doubt your own judgment, small wonder you come across as unhappy.

As for you, you are also playing a role here. How much are you prepared to put up with?. What's it going to take for you to actually do something rather than just remain unhappy and say nothing till the next time he starts?. You cannot keep smoothing it over, the underlying problems still remain below the surface.

What's your role in the relationship (I would have to say enabler because your choice is to let it go/ignore outbursts. I wish your children could also do that but they cannot). What do you yourself get out of this relationship?. I don't think you can answer that one.

You say you want to do what's best for your children; I would take a cold and long hard look at this relationship from their point of view as well. He is not a good Dad if he treats their Mummy like this. I would also think they are frightened and confused by him. They also see their Daddy making their Mummy upset.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; what are you teaching your children?. Would you want your daughters to end up with someone abusive?. Of course not.

Like many women caught up in abusive relationships you are hoping and wishing that he will eventually change. You cannot help someone like this or try and rescue them. I would suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

I would also suggest you go to Relate on your own and talk with them.

I was also wondering what your husband's parents are like because their behaviours can provide clues.

Having read about your inlaws they are just as dysfunctional, if not more so, than their son is. If that is indeed representative I think you need to break away from them all asap. And I never say such things lightly.

A close friend of mine went through something similar to what you are going through. Her husband is a Sex Addict (medically diagnosed) and has had to seek counselling and other professional help. She had a vague idea what was going on but turned a blind eye and allowed it to happen it turns out she is accessory to his addiction which totally freaked her out. He is nothing short of a lying, cheating little shit for what he did to her (there was other stuff along with the porn) - you could't imagine the stuff he did. They have split and it was completely the best thing for her and her children. But every situation is different. Go and speak to someone regarding the way he behaves and then you can make an informed decision on how best to continue. Good luck - I'll be thinking of you.