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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Need advice on helping DH

11 replies

Cheeseboardorchocolateicecream · 18/02/2020 15:16

Hi everyone,

New on here so please be gentle!

I'm hoping for some advice on how I can help my DH. Just under a year ago we sold our flat and moved to a new city and a new house. It took me a while to find a decent job - my DH was great and looked after us both while I was out of work. However, his mental health has sadly been suffering since last autumn. I picked up a great job in October - then in December my DH's contract came to an end. I didn't think at the time it was going to be a problem, as I assumed he'd just get another job quite easily. He's been feeling really low, so much so now that he's been out of work since Xmas, and appears to be too depressed and anxious to put any meaningful effort into getting another job. I don't know what to do. I'm really starting to worry about our finances, and I am struggling a little to keep us afloat on just my wage, He supported me for months last year when I didn't have a job, I feel I should try and do the same but we are struggling. Also I was at the time actively looking for a job, whereas in his situation - he isn't really. Whenever I try to talk to him about job hunting he has a melt-down and it makes his mental state for that day even worse. He has convinced himself that no employer will want him any more. Last year I suggested he gets councilling - he ended up having CBT. However, he said this made him feel worse and he feels it has opened up a Pandoras box - he doesn't want to go again as he felt the course last year has made his mental health worse. I don't know what to do - we bought quite a big home, and we had hoped to start a family this year but I'm concerned how we can keep this big house - pay the mortgage and the bills etc., and start a family with the situation as it is. I really want him to feel better. I'm trying my best to be supportive. But we could really do with a second income!

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 18/02/2020 15:29

Has he been to the GP for ads?

It all sounds a bit contrived to be honest. You get a good job, he suddenly becomes depressed and can’t face even looking for a job. Or am I being cynical?

Can you get him started by going on LinkedIn, updating his cv and flagging that he’s looking for a new contract. He doesn’t actually have to apply for anything.

He can’t just duck out from under his responsibilities.

TheWorldAsh · 18/02/2020 16:34

No matter how hard it feels for him he needs to seek help and support. Therapy can initially make things worse.

However the first response accusing him of swinging the lead shows exactly how far the perception of mental health has to go. Would someone with a broken leg be accused of taking the piss?

MatildaTheCat · 18/02/2020 17:05

If he’s not well enough to look for work he needs to see his GP urgently.

Okbutno · 18/02/2020 17:13

I agree if he isn't well enough to look for work he needs support from the GP.

NoMoreDickheads · 18/02/2020 17:23

If he's on medication, he needs to go back to the GP and say he's still struggling this much, that way they can try him on something else- there are loads of things they can try. It can take a while to find the right one. If he hasn't been at all or has stopped what he was prescribed, he needs to go of course!

You could see if your wage will allow him to claim UC, on grounds of ill health, if he isn't claiming it already. That'd be a bit of extra cash.

we had hoped to start a family this year

Noo, don't do this until this is hopefully sorted out. Eventually you might even decide you're not comfortable staying

Take good care of yourself, make sure you get out for a breather etc. xxx

AgentJohnson · 18/02/2020 17:40

With regards to your financial position, plan for the worse and hope for the best. Is he claiming any benefits? TTC is no longer on the immediate horizon are no longer.

Unfortunately, there’s not a lot you can do if he isn’t willing to get help all you can do focus on the things you do have control over.

Cheeseboardorchocolateicecream · 19/02/2020 11:56

Thank you everyone.

Think I'm going to need to insist he sees a doctor. He definitely needs help, I try supporting him as much as i can but his anxiety and depression is having a big effect on him day-to-day. He has been 'too proud' to go in and claim benefits, same to medication. But I think I'm going to need to insist that he goes to see a doctor + also look into benefits just while we are in this phase. He's a lovely guy - we've been together for 12 years now and I very much value our marriage, even if things are difficult and even frustrating at the moment. Think it's best that I support him to get some proper help. Thanks for your advice x

OP posts:
Cheeseboardorchocolateicecream · 19/02/2020 12:01

Also I have managed to get him to make tiny baby steps - like updating his CV. I suggested to him yesterday about updating LinkedIn and posting that he's available for work, and he seemed to think that was a good idea, so that's positive. Just got to get him better and able to really throw himself into applications and hopefully interviews. But in the meantime, i'm going to gently insist that we get him some professional help with is mental wellbeing.

OP posts:
MitziK · 19/02/2020 12:25

From experience, get him to the GP and looking for jobs now. It's a whole ton harder to get them out of bed once they've had months, if not years, of being able to put you off with a dramatic meltdown over the very suggestion that they do something because you can't cope, financially or psychologically, with handling everything.

FWIW, going back to work (had no choice because I'd been made redundant, was on the verge of a breakdown and had said I was done), was the best thing DP ever did for himself. The vicious circle of feeling bad about a job, then not having a job, then feeling crap about not walking into another job, so not applying for any jobs, so feeling crap about not having a job, etc, etc, is a lot easier to interrupt before it's got to full circle.

And get him outside. Every single day. No hiding in bed, no staying in there until you get in from work, no avoiding sunlight.

Wake him up when you get up for work. His sleep pattern will be fucked otherwise, which feeds into the sleeping all day, awake at night alone dysfunction. He needs daylight and fresh air - somebody vulnerable to seasonal light levels is likely to avoid daylight, which makes them worse. And multivitamins (to allow for things like low vitamin D or B complex), plus healthy food, will help, too. It's easy to just eat crap or pick at things/avoid nutrients.

And I agree with the others, to become pregnant whilst he's like this would be a huge mistake.

Mintjulia · 19/02/2020 15:45

I hope it works out. The baby steps sound good, he’ll get there. Brew

Cheeseboardorchocolateicecream · 19/02/2020 16:46

Thank you MitziK, this is really good advice.

I had started to do a couple of those things you suggested, but will continue doing a bit more to help him. Luckily he's not in the 'stay in bed all day' phase yet, and yes I agree it's far better to help him now before it gets that far down the road. Since he's been off I have got him to walk our dogs in the park/ woods each morning (although to be honest i should get him out earlier as it ends up being late morning!). I have also bought multivitamins and minerals for us both to have daily. I need to work better at encouraging healthy eating/ exercise, but I'm working on it! It's actually really important as I feel a lot of his loss in confidence is linked to recent weight gain, and poor eating habits as he also has digestive issues that really get him down. So I'll also prioritize this. Thank you so much everyone for your advice, it's nice just being able to talk about it and feel supported. It can be hard talking to my friends or family as they have in the past been a bit judgmental.

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