Therapy for controlling behaviour

[Entomologymum]

Just wondered if anyone had any experience of this. DH is having therapy to address his control issues but does it actually work? I'm pretty sceptical at the moment that it will lead to anything long lasting.

Controlling behaviour as in needing to control their environment due to ocd? Maybe.

Controlling behaviour as in, controlling you? No.

Abusers don't change. Someone respects you and sees you as an equal or they don't. You cant teach them that stuff. Chances are he just uses his therapy sessions as a pity party.

Thank you @Pinkbonbon yes controlling behaviour as in controlling me.
I suspected as much. I don't think I can risk investing any more time in him.

Yeah, life is precious! I mean even if he magically became a nice person, would you really want to stay with someone knowing they could treat you that way? Always wondering if (though it would be a "when') they would start to again?

You deserve to be happy, he'll only ever make you sad. In fact he probably likes you sad.

Get yourself away n free :)

Oh and, you don't owe him anything. Incase he tries to claim that. 'I'm getting therapy for you!'. 'No, you're getting therapy for you. I think that's a good move and I wish you all the best with it, but I'm still out'.

What kind of therapy? Is he in an abuser programme? He's controlling because he thinks you're lesser than him and he is entitled to control you. However, I'm sure he'll love the time talking about himself with a therapist.

I think you're right to be sceptical and should perhaps start organising an exit strategy.

@12345kbm he's not sure what type of therapist he'll be placed with, he's only had a first assessment. He's only done this I think because he wants me to stay. I have said to him a few times, if I hadn't said I wanted to divorce he would have been quite happy to carry on as he was.

He is going about all sad faced at the moment and is 'trying'.

I did get mightily pissed off to hear that the therapist had said he was 'vulnerable' at the moment. What about me and our bloody kids!?!

Lol IF his therapist even said that. Could just be another way of manipulating you.

That had occurred to me too. I don't trust him at all. I am playing along, squirrelling a bit of cash away.

They like to say 'such and such thinks this' and 'everyone thinks this' ect...to manipulate.

Watching some youtube videos about narcissists might help. Melanie tonia Evans and dr durvasola are good :)

Play along OP. Get some advice pending divorce. Do you have a solicitor?

It really depends on the type if controlling. My friend was told for years she was controlling because she complained when her partner stayed out all night and gambled their family money away. That's a world away from trying to control what someone eats and wears, for example.

• durvasula

But dont let him know you are watching these. And never use the word narcissist around him.

Wise move! Hope you can get away soon!

Abusive men don't change. There is no hope whatsoever.

@SerendipitySunshine amongst other things he has done the following:

Called me lazy and feckless then taken over household tasks as I am not 'capable' - then criticized me for not doing those things.

Has made my family feel unwelcome in our house, as a result I have seen them less.

Sulks when he comes in from work, even when the children are asking him how his day has been.

When I worked at the weekend he would get angry if I was 5-10 minutes late and questioned how long it took me to get home.

He doesn't like the children to play in their rooms together because of the noise. They all have to be separate.

Do you need any more examples?

@12345kbm I've been given details of one, a recommendation from someone who used them to divorce her own controlling partner.

Sounds perfect if they have experience of domestic violence. I would get all the documents organised to find out where you stand in the event of divorce.

That level of control is abusive. He needs specialised treatment in an abuser programme - therapy will not cure his abusive tendencies. If you’ve not read it already, you might find Why Does He Do That? helpful and interesting (have blanked on author’s name). Sad to think of your children having to play separately. Sounds like you would all be better off away from him but plan discretely and carefully. Abusers are at their most dangerous when they sense they are losing control.

Dery Lundy bankroft.

Agree it's a good read.
But don't let him see you have it OP. Maybe best to get away from him first.

From what I've read abuser programmes don't have much of a success rate. Ultimately the men just never accept that their behaviour is wrong. It's frustrating to think that resources are diverted away from victim support and instead spent on programmes with no evidence of success.

No they don't but abusers are often sent on perpetrator programmes by courts. Perpetrators often come off the courses able to understand how to better hid the abuse. Domestic Abuse has the highest amount of repeat victimisation of all violent crimes.

You're really fighting a mindset that is culturally entrenched.

He doesn't like the children to play in their rooms together because of the noise. They all have to be separate.

This.

Have you spoken to a friend about this? asked THEM what they would think if their H said this about their kids.

Open up to people you know, you are going to need help and support from as many quarters as you can get.

Abusers don't change. They certainly don't change because of therapy. they just get better at masking themselves. Minimisation, Denial and Blame is the new game.

You've given it your best - your kids are suffering living like this, the sooner you get them out, the better, the sooner you get you out, the better YOU will be.

I'm a therapist, the guidelines for working with a perpetrator of controlling behaviour is for them to not currently be in a relationship and to attend a long term perpetrator programme (Relate offer one thats 6 months in duration with weekly individual and group sessions)
Couples therapy is dangerous when Domestic Abuse is happening and perpetrators often use it as a way to manipulate a partner. Make sure you get your own support OP x

Therapy for those who are abusive, if it works, takes years. I would not be staying around.