Never want to see MIL again *Trigger warning:sexual violence*

[User1702]

This might be very long, but l'll start with saying I feel like it might seem from the outside that I'm overreacting somewhat and making life very difficult for my DH, but I never want to see my MIL again.

I suffered rape by a stranger when I was a teenager, and only after a number of months, found the strength to talk to some of my family and friends about it. DH (although we weren't married then) knew much sooner, but whilst he was there for me, had no one of his own (that it hadn't happened to) to talk to about how it affected him.

We agreed that he should speak to his parents, and that I was happy for him to do so, but that I wouldn't tell them myself.

At the time, he didn't tell me much about it, so I assumed it had helped take the pressure off.

Soon after they 'knew', I had a conversation (of sorts) with MIL. Instead of offering any support to me (which was fine, because I had my own support and we weren't close, but I wanted her to be someone who could help my DH, as I couldn't), or being discreet and continuing as though it wasn't something she ever had to mention, she stopped me in the hallway as soon as I arrived at her house, to tell me about a book she'd been reading. She went into some detail about the brutality of the treatment of women in it, focussing on the severity of the physical violence they suffered, which although not directly relevant to my experience, made me feel numb and unable to react to her. As time went on, I felt that she had been saying that she thought rape was only serious if the
victim is cut and bruised and unable to walk away afterwards. I didn't ask her though. And nobody else was there. And I've considered since, giving her the benefit of the doubt, that it was just a tactless way of offering general sympathy at how awful anything like that is, without saying she knew it had happened to me.

However, DH told me at various points after, that it didn't help him to talk to her, as we hoped. She was dismissive and expected us both to stop moping, get on with life and made him feel as though she didn't really care about how it had affected me, or even him. He said he wished he had chosen to tell someone else.

Now, this is years later, he mentioned how he felt he still has a fractious relationship with his parents because he didn't always choose the path they wanted and this caused arguments, and they dismissed things like depression and grief he went on to suffer. Its been his choice to continue his relationship as it has always been, but I have been so hurt for him that they make life's difficulties even harder.

He hasn't told me until now, but in the intervening years at some point, MIL expressed doubt that I had been raped, saying she didn't believe it had really happened. He says he was adamant and she said no more.

It was so long ago, and not said to me, but it hurts.

She doesn't see the way it still affects me even now, because I never told or showed her, because it wasn't about her and she wouldn't have been helpful.

I'm questioning what about it she doesn't believe and why. Is it because she heard it second hand, not from me? Is it something she knows about what I was doing or wearing when it happened? Is it that my reaction, or lack of it in her eyes because she didn't see it, wasn't what she expected? Is it because it wasn't also physically violent, like she alluded to? Is it because of the fact that stranger rape is not really as common as other types?

I have no idea. And nor does DH. But I dont think I can forgive her. I can't see a way she said it with DH's best interests at heart, even if not mine. But it wasn't said to me, and this was years ago, and (since I didn't know), I've carried on as normal with her since. I don't know if I can face speaking to her about it, and I'm sure there's no answer she could give that would make me feel any better. But I can't imagine seeing her with this under the surface.

This is really painful. I can understand why you can’t even face her, she’s treating you really appallingly. Who knows what her reasons are, but does it really matter? She’s chosen to treat you with no compassion or care. At best she sounds a bit dim, at worst actively dangerous to your wellbeing.

You’re right there is no answer she can give to make you feel better as the damage is already done.

Not trying to make excuses at all, but is she from a generation/area where you had to just get back to normal no matter what? Where violence towards women wasn't all that uncommon?
When I first told my Nana that ex and I broke up after he hit me, she told me that men always hit, you just learn to hit back and go back to normal.

To outright say that she doesn't believe you is awful thought. And painful.

Although your MIL is clearly out of order, what on earth was your DH doing telling you that for?! I can't see why he would repeat that to you.

Why did your DH feel the need to tell you this and so causing you more pain?
I would say prehaps your MIL is from a time when you were expected to just carry on the best you could with whatever the trauma you were dealing with. Thankfully we dont live in those times. Sorry you are hurting.

There are so many reasons why people deny someone else’s experiences, you can’t change that, you can only protect yourself.

I’m not convinced it’s just a generational thing though, there are plenty of people around now who blame victims and minimise VAWG.

I think for your own mental wellbeing you need to keep your distance from her. Its tempting to list the reasons why she may think this or how you can justify yourself but they're not helpful to you in the long run. People tend to want to seek support in their parents but you and DH have been let down by MIL. I don't blame DH for telling you. Imagine finding out later on, or her telling you at another time. Now you can take control and distance yourself from her.

You really don't know what experiences MIL has been through herself, her own background, etc.

I think when someone (your DH) needs support for something like this situation, it's not always appropriate to seek that support from family members - especially those with whom there seems to be a history or background of arguments and fractious relationships and lack of general support already anyway.

Sometimes we just have to accept that some relationships, even those between parents and children, can be nothing more than superficial, civil, polite. It sounds like that's where you're both at with your IL's.

And why on earth your DH saw fit to tell you what MIL said, I just don't understand. That was cruel, of her to say it, and him to repeat it to you.

Your dh is in the wrong here. He shouldn’t have told you she said that. I’d question why he told you.