I was in a relationship that ended about six months ago (after a year and a half together). I still don’t really know why it ended, and - though I know I’m being pathetic after what was a relatively short relationship - I’m definitely still not over it. Long story short, he suffered with severe depression and suicidal feelings, and despite trying my best to support him, he basically completely shut me out to the point where I eventually concluded he was ghosting me (and possibly cheating too); in the end, I called him out for his “cowardly” behaviour in not just being honest and ending things with me, and I tried to move on.
But I’m still unhealthily dwelling on what the truth of the situation was, though I realise I may never know. It’s entirely possible he was indeed ghosting and cheating (there were enough signs for that to be a reasonable conclusion, though no definitive proof). Equally, it’s entirely possible he was in such a severely depressed state that he had no idea what he was doing (the few times he did reply to me, that was the language he used) and I basically mistakenly made the whole situation about me, and abandoned him at his hour of need. I am pretty insecure at the best of times, and having been both cheated on and ghosted many times in the past, I definitely have the potential to be overly paranoid about this.
Mental health and supporting people with depression is all over the news at the moment, for tragic and obvious reasons, and it’s made me reflect on what happened with him. The advice I keep reading is to let people know you’re there for them, to encourage them to keep talking, and to not take it personally if they shut down. I have heard that he is still suffering with his mental health (he was in another relationship which apparently ended recently in exactly the same way) and I’m eaten up with guilt at the thought I may have let him down. My biggest fear is that without support (he’s lost nearly all of his friends) he may try and take his own life, and I still somehow feel responsible for him (I definitely have a bit of a “rescuing” thing going on as a result of my own dysfunctional upbringing, for which I’ve had counselling in the past).
Part of me wants to try and fix this: to reach out, apologise if I let him down and offer support - but I’m also aware that I could be making a sensitive situation even worse, particularly as I was clearly incapable of helping last time. I’m also struggling to work out my own motivations for wanting to contact him - part of me genuinely wants to help because I still care about him regardless (and frankly I don’t feel as if I can get any more hurt / humiliated than I already have been), but I can’t rule out the possibility I’m in the ‘bargaining’ stage of grief and harbouring some silly fantasy about getting back together, however unlikely the sensible part of me realises that is.
So - and please be kind as I am aware I’m being ridiculous and I’m struggling to get the right perspective - what would you do? Reach out - or leave well alone and focus on my own wellbeing?