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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Forgiving cheating

28 replies

h3lpme · 18/02/2020 07:19

Can you ever really forgive an affair? Found out a couple of months ago and it’s all I ever think about. I just want to move on from this and it not consume my every thought.

Has anyone ever really made it out the other side? Or am I wasting my time?

OP posts:
Buggeritimgettingup · 18/02/2020 07:26

Personally I couldn’t. I only know of one coupe irl who have and that’s because she has forgiven him so many times she now has no boundaries.

Original poster
h3lpme · 18/02/2020 07:32

That’s what I’m worried about.. Forgiving this time and him seeing it as a green light to do it again. Since I found out we’ve had our wedding Sad I found out just a few weeks before and felt it was too late to cancel.

I just don’t know how to get over this

OP posts:
rebecca102 · 18/02/2020 07:33

Walk away. It will happen again, don't care what anyone says. They did it once they'll do it again

Tulipan · 18/02/2020 07:42

I know someone who went to a lot of counselling with their partner and they pulled through it together

The traditional way would be to ignore it, but that eats you up and seems a bit pointless.

I opened up our marriage but it turned out

  1. He liked it more when it was forbidden
  2. He was too jealous to cope. Ironic.

I tried though, and now I look back and am glad I tried so I know this was the only real way forward

theuntameableshrew · 18/02/2020 07:48

I couldn’t. STBXH had an affair and after sitting in the STD clinic waiting to be seen wondering if he’d given me an STD as well as emotionally deserting me when our 2 disabled children were both having a terrible time for different reasons, our marriage was irrevocably broken.

R2519 · 18/02/2020 07:49

I suppose the question is can you ever see a time when you can be apart from you DP and not wonder where they are and whether they can be trusted. Personally that would be the hardest part. The doubt. It can really weigh you down and ultimately would destroy the relationship. It’s a real tough one and can only really be answered by you or a person in your position at that time. I however doubt I could even though I love my wife to bits and couldn’t bear to be without her, I don’t know if I could get past it.

happygertie · 18/02/2020 07:58

My partner had sex with a colleague on two occasions spanning roughly 5 months. I have forgiven. It took a lot, and it was probably a two year process. What helped was I made him move out and we had time apart, it helped me realise that I wanted it to work and it made him realise what he had set to lose.

It was tough though and they had to be a lot of frank discussions and It did consume me at times, I'd say it took the best part of two years before I felt like we had fully healed. Although I wish it never happened we are better communicators now and I can honestly say we are at point were if he goes out on a night out I don't worry or panic he will cheat. He made a lot of sacrifices and put the time and effort in and I think he spent a good couple of years hating himself and worrying he would lose me. Someone on here recommended esther perel, I read some of her work, listened to her ted talk and watched some of her instagram videos and her view on affairs made sense with me.

Purplecatshopaholic · 18/02/2020 08:07

I couldn’t. It will only happen again. Sorry op

whiskeylullaby2 · 18/02/2020 08:21

I couldn't.

A friend did forgive her 'd'h. She knows about 3 times. I know he has cheated at least 6 times.

She told us friends not to tell her if we heard things. She checks his phone many times a day. Asks constantly where he is going. Tracks his phone, which she checks on an hourly basis.

There is zero trust and I don't think they will work out in the long run, as much as she wants it to. It's just pushing him away.

WhenDoesTheWashingEnd · 18/02/2020 08:28

Lots of people have very black and white views on this but in my experience things are not so simple as they seem.
I always thought I'd leave anyone who cheated on me instantly and never look back.

Well, when it did happen to me. My husband had an 18 month affair shortly after the birth of our first DS.

What I think made me consider staying was the initial circumstances. Although I had my suspicions it was HIM who came home one day and confessed everything. It was also important that he took responsibility for EVERYTHING regarding the affair. No minimising, gas lighting or excuses.
That initial conversation when he confesses was without doubt the most honest he has ever been in his life.
It was enough to make me pause and look at our while situation.

It's been 18 months or so since we decided to make another go of it. It is HARD and the relationship is not the same one as before (arguably if it were then nothing will have changed to stop cheating happening again).
I still get irrationally angry at him at times and he still has to be crystal clear about where and who he's with when he's out. But these feelings do give way to what I feel is a stronger, more honest relationship.

It only works of you're both prepared to put in an immense amount of effort, time and emotion.
We still talk about what happened but I have to try very hard not to use it as a stick to beat him and he has to own it as his mistake.

No one can say whether you should or shouldn't stay. Only you can do that.
Listen to your gut and try to stay rational, you'll make the choice that's right for you. SmileFlowers

WhenDoesTheWashingEnd · 18/02/2020 08:29

Forgive the typos... I'm ham fisted with this phone! Grin

rebecca102 · 18/02/2020 08:35

@whiskeylullaby2 omg that sounds exhausting

Faith50 · 18/02/2020 08:56

Yes, you can forgive. You will need to feel the pain though - there is no escape. The first few months were the absolute worst for me. I was tormented, felt suicidal and totally broken. I struggled to even enjoy time with my children. I did not believe I would get through. I questioned dh over and over checking his responses were the same. They were.

Though my dh made a choice to kiss his colleague, I now know why. Our marriage was not in the best place for a number of reasons- some my fault. My eyes have opened to my past coldness and selfishness. There is no excuse but he went for counselling which helped him understand why.

Today, I am happy. He is happy.

You need to decide what you want and if your dh is remorseful and beside himself with the pain he has caused.

I often wonder if I would have survived if dh had had a full blown sexual affair as the kiss alone floored me. I probably would have. We are far stronger and resilient than we believe ourselves to be.

All the bestFlowers

testing987654321 · 18/02/2020 09:05

Ditch and move on. He threw your relationship away.

thefemalelemur · 18/02/2020 09:16

How long was the affair? How did you find out? I'm asking these questions because in the world of MN, if anyone cheats it's an immediate "Leave".

Twenty years ago my DH cheated. It was a drunken one night stand that he told me about, and at the time we were going through a rough patch. I forgave him for various reasons and I'm confident that he only cheated that once, we moved on.

So it can be done, but a lot of it depends on the circumstances. I forgave a one night stand but I don't think I could have forgiven a longer affair, who knows? I do know people who've had affairs and their marriages have survived, some have even become stronger. Only you know the minute details of your relationship and what was going on at the time/what's happened since. We don't have enough details.

LonginesPrime · 18/02/2020 09:23

I just want to move on from this and it not consume my every thought

Do you actually want to forgive the cheating, or do you want it not to have happened?

IME, the people who try so hard to forgive don't actually want to understand the behaviour and forgive at all - they want to go back to a time when they were happy (i.e. before they knew about the betrayal) and for life to be the way they thought it was, not the way it actually is.

Once a cheater, always a cheater. If you forgive an affair, you're giving him permission to treat you like dirt. He can do what he likes and he knows you're so desperate to stay with him that you'll put up with any crap he feels like pulling. Aren't you worth more than that, OP?

Original poster
h3lpme · 18/02/2020 09:30

It went on for a couple of months.. I found out as someone anonymously told me. I left him for a while and stayed with my parents. He was crying the whole time and begging me to come back. He’s said and done all of the right things but I’m just not getting over it. I cry almost every day. I’ve started counselling on my own as it’s taken all of my confidence away and made me so paranoid. He said he’d come to the counselling with me but I don’t want him to at the moment. He’s always saying how he would never do it again as he couldn’t stand losing me. I’m just really struggling to understand how I will ever move on from this.

Although it’s awful the thought of anyone else going through this pain, it has been good for me to read other people’s stories who have been in my position.

OP posts:
kcw1986 · 18/02/2020 09:39

Does he have any contact with the OW.

What were his explanations.

Original poster
h3lpme · 18/02/2020 10:10

No contact as far as I know. He’s got her number blocked but I know if he wanted to he could easily unblock it and speak to her. He doesn’t have social media. He said he enjoyed the attention and it got way out of hand.

OP posts:
Original poster
h3lpme · 18/02/2020 10:13

I definitely just wish it didn’t happen. I never thought he would do this so I think I’ve been in shock.

OP posts:
kcw1986 · 18/02/2020 10:18

Sorry but that's a pathetic excuse, I wouldn't be able to stay OP and much rather have a fresh start no matter how scary that would be.

And am guessing he works with her so he could see her everyday without you knowing.

Just be honest with yourself OP if staying with him is just going to lead to unhappiness then maybe its better for a clean break and he can learn from his actions.

Dozer · 18/02/2020 10:20

You have no DC? If so would walk away now. If he did that pre wedding he’s unreliable and you’d be taking a massive risk to have DC with him.

kcw1986 · 18/02/2020 10:25

What happens after 10,20,30 years and he gets attention from some young attractive women, if he's done this just before you married he is not really a long term investment.

Original poster
h3lpme · 18/02/2020 10:31

No they don’t work together.. we’ve got 2 children. I’ve said I would never forgive it again and he says he wouldn’t do it again but I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

OP posts:
Astrophyllite · 18/02/2020 10:39

Plenty have made it out the other side. But it is never the same. Most of the time it's an act, those of us stupid enough to stay don't want anyone knowing that we chose wrongly so we fake it... Makes for a miserable life. It won't ever be the same. My advice is to leave now instead of realising in a few years that the trust won't ever come back how it was.