Should I just move on

[Mamachanel]

Hello everyone, this is long.

I have been stalking about here for some time but I'm finally ready to write to you all about where I go in my relationship. I will call him my child's father as it has never been secure enough to call him my partner.

Background

We met a few years ago working in similar jobs, I'm older by 10 years. I e started out having fun, without commitment but both of us fell for each other.. I'm not in a position of authority or anything but I have been in the job for longer.

6 months later I fell pregnant completely unexpectedly, I had been told I couldn't have children. When I found out I was pregnant I found out at the same time he hadn't ended tithings completely with his ex, he was with her when we met, they broke up after a few months before anything happened with us.

It seems there was another girl in the background too he was seeing.

When we found about DS, we decided to give it a go, this was very difficult because I didn't trust him etc. Few months in he tells his ex, it seems that the plan had always for them to get back together at some point. And we had ruined this by getting pregnant.

He had a tough time when in was pregnant. With his family and it seems like his ex was very much there and something developed again between them.

He was supportive largely during the pregnancy but still had one foot in and one foot out the door.

DS was born very ill we had a few weeks in hospital. About 6 weeks later I find out that something is still going on with his ex, completely end things,

6 months after this we grew closer, DS was and still is breast fed, so when he has contact with him as a baby I was there. DS has some health complications as a result of birth which made his more difficult to look after etc.

Child's dad still lives at home with parents, not unusual in our job area due to difficult starting off etc.

Basically DS is now almost 16 months old, after Christmas when I discovered still some contact between him and the ex, I said you will see DS alone without me.

I then largely cut off contact, he panicked and said he wanted to be with me, but doesn't really seem to have meant this in the sense the things that i struggled with, the lack of public acknowledgement of my relationship is still an issue. I told him to think about what he wanted and we needed to get our shit sorted instead of continuing on this merry go round, DS is getting older.

So most of my family / friends think I should just cut my looses and move on. It's very difficult to cut contact with him because we still have a very young child. DS still isn't the easiest of children and will at times simply scream for me when his Dad has him. So it's easier for his dad to see him with me.

Writing all this out makes me sound so pathetic but I really wanted to give us a chance as a family if possible but I think I need to move on. I doubt that it will ever be what I want it to be and fear I'm only going to continue getting hurt the longer I let this linger. I have tried to make allowances for his age mid twenties to grow up a bit but maybe it isn't simply immaturity maybe it's just who he is.

Thank you for any of you who have had the time to read this.

You may want to be a family but he is repeatedly showing you/ telling you that he doesn't.
No much else to say accept look at what he is showing you, not what he says

Yes, coparent with him but move on in everything else.
He can start to have time on his own with his son.
You get proper maintenance and visiting schedule sorted out as those visits settle down.

Thank you. I know that you are right. I think the reason I have delayed posting for so long js that I haven't wanted to see the reality. But reading all the other threads and the support that everyone gives here has made me stronger and more resolute to deal with it.

It seems that every-time I get to the position that I accept that it will never work etc and that it's over he brings me back. Then nothing changes but it makes me confused, upset and preoccupied.

I think he enjoys having us as family when it suits him but he then goes back to his own life and lives it as if we don't exist.

I think that's the difficulty I have tried co parenting but because there is an attraction there and I suppose if I'm honest I still love him, it's hard to keep boundaries in place. Separating out our time with DS was the proposed way forward. He sees him a number of times mid week after work and for 6 hours then on the weekend. But because DS gets tired after being with the childminder he can be difficult to look after and will scream for me. This has meant that the both come to my house.

He needs to learn to cope with his child on his own. It's only easier for him that you're always there when he has the child. What if he starts screaming for his dad? Will he then always be there for him? Get a proper schedule set up so you can have a life as well as him.

It's difficult for me not to agree to see them both together as DS father blames me (I think unfairly) for the fact that DS is still breastfeed. Therefore he cries when he isn't being fed by me. That's not correct as DS doesn't cry with the childminder the same or at least can be distracted. I have left DS with his granny on numerous occasions and she can cope with DS. My ex has never really had any experience around children himself, he is the youngest in the family etc, limited access to nieces/ nephews. He has improved massively in taking care of DS but can be quite hostile towards me if DS is screaming for me. It's very hard regardless of the circumstances not to go to DS when ex rings and he is screaming his head off and will settle as soon as he sees me. I also think Ex has a simplistic view of DS attachment to me. I spend the most time with him so regardless of breastfeeding or not he would cry for me.

But you've said yourself it's not a problem when he's with his granny or the childminder, just when he's with him. At the end of the day it's his son, he needs to learn to cope for everyone's sake.

Hello , yes move on relationship wise and co- parent . Wish you the best.

Thanks for all the responses.

I have found it very difficult to let go of the hope that we would all be together as a family.

When I have reached that resolution I have simply wanted to have a little contact as possible to let me get over the relationship. But the more I try to define things the more he pushes the boundaries.

If the family unit with him is what you want for you and your DS then put your cards on the table - tell him this is what you want now and for the future (ex is to be gone from the picture though). At the moment he gets to have both so make it clear to him it’s decision time then follow through with the outcome. You’ve nothing to lose by making what you want known.