Tell me about close friendships where you have had to take a step back

[Lottapianos]

Long story short - been friends for 4 years, very close, tell each other everything, lots in common. Dont see each other that often but message most days.

I've had a totally shit few months, going through an experience that friend went through in a very similar way a few years ago. Have come to realise that friend just cannot do feelings- changes subject when I mention difficult feelings, tries to shift me on to other topics, feel there is no space for me to talk about my experience. I ask questions about her too, and am genuinely interested in the answers, I dont expect it to be all about me. I feel zero empathy and zero connection with her. Raised it with her over messages, said that I find it very helpful when she does X rather than Y, it didnt go well and she got v defensive. Maybe to be expected

I was utterly furious with her, and felt so let down, but am accepting now that we are different people. However, sharing feelings and emotional connection is so important to me. I feel like our friendship going forward will just be fluff and chit chat

Please share your experiences of friendships which turned out to not be what you hoped they were, but you still stayed in each others lives. Thanks

I think you've hit it right OP. It will be a chit chat relationship and if it works a couple times a year that's fine but if you (like me) want less friendships where you feel you are heard and in turn want to listen to them, i would just make a decision to slowly ease off. Cut out the personal stuff from texts etc that get littke response and you should then be unresponsive to them if they try to fish about for advice and sympathy.

Hope that helps? X

Yes, it really helps I've been doubting myself a lot over this and wondering if I'm being too harsh, so it's nice to hear that someone else gets it. I'm not planning to share any personal or emotional stuff with her from now on. This will also free up time and head space for people who can offer empathy and connection when I need it! Feels a bit sad but there we are....

I seem to keep having incredibly intense friendships where I'm expected to spend all my free time with them, answer text messages all day long and they need to be involved in everything I do.

I try to bring friends together to dilute the intensity and they won't get along but demand/fight over my attention and I get so stressed.

Eventually I really back off and try to maintain more distant friendships. If I'm not careful the same happens again. I can't find the balance.

I couldn't breastfeed and have a close friend who is obsessed with breastfeeding. Every time we met, there was lots of chat from her about bonding, antibodies, nurturing, obesity, evil formula companies etc. Long after I had switched to formula, and being totally happy with my choice, she would still give me tips about how to breastfeed, pumping, the benefits of breastfeeding and so on despite me saying multiple times that I wasn't interested and had switched to formula.

She would give me gifts of stuff like nipple cream or lactation tea. It became weird and intrusive.

After a while, I just had to step back. Breastfeeding seemed to have become her entire identity and she just couldn't understand that it wasn't even a tiny part of mine. We still speak occasionally but as soon as the subject of our babies comes up, I know she'll start again so I have to walk away.