So unhappy

[TeawithCakes]

Hi,

I want some advice from others who may have experienced a similar story.

I’m 47, almost 48 but still young looking. I married a man 11 years older who has aged a lot. We have nothing on common now. I have been unable to go near him (sexually) for over 10 years now. But, he was not very sexual and never affectionate etc. We have two children aged 16 and 12 (2nd conceived by IUI).
I am not in love with him. I don’t think I ever was now that I think back. I was a young, naive, inexperienced female when I married him. He had only had one partner before me. He lacks passion. I’m the opposite so crave it! I have coped over the years raising the children and looking after my mum (now RIP). However, I am bored with him generally. He is not driven in any way shape or form.
I have moved up in my career and put the biggest chunk of money towards our family.
We are now mortgage free.
I am desperately unhappy. I feel bad for the children but I do not want to remain married to a man I not only have no feelings for (we are like friends) but I feel I can’t move on in my life. I sex in over ten years is awful and I am an attractive woman. I don’t want him as he physically turns me off but he is not like a normal man (never horny etc).
I want out. I live away part of the week with work but it isn’t enough. I want to end the marriage. It will break his heart but I am struggling. I go out alone now and I have deliberately taken the children on holiday on my own for the last couple of years. I really do not want to be married to him now.
I feel trapped. Not financially. More guilt. But, I grieve inside. It has got worse over the last 2-3 years.
Has anyone moved on in life in my situation? Should I move out? We’d need to sell the family home.
Help. So unhappy!!

How would he take it if you did split? Maybe he is also just drifting along?

Does he know you feel this way? Have you spoken to him about it?

He knows how I feel. He ignored it for a while but he now knows I’m unhappy. He’s a nice man but I can’t help the way I feel and it’s eating away inside me.
I think I’d have gone by now if it hadn’t have been for the children but I feel like I need to keep things together for the sake of the family unit...even though I’m unhappy. My feelings are making me resentful and angry too...making everyone miserable at times.
I didn’t have many boyfriends as a young girl (I was shy back then) and didn’t have more than one sexual partner. It is other stuff that bothers me too. He bores me!! And, he’s like an old man!!
I’m so unsure what to do!

I hate coming home now. I sleep in the spare room and took my rings off a year ago!

Is your 16 year old doing her GCSEs this year?

Teawithcakes - just wanted to say, I hear you!
Same age as you.
We're on verge of splitting up but now having the conversations we should have had ages ago!
Also, I regret how little I knew how to be an adult when younger and went safe. So what I want has changed alot and I put that down to not just aging but not being in tune with myself when younger. Not really being a proper teen/young woman. That was alot to do with my parents sadly.
But yes, I get where you're coming from.

i think you should get out earlier. still not late.

Yes, my 16 year old does GCSEs this summer

Oops, my name changed!

I really wish I’d listened to my older brother who tried to talk me out of marrying him. He said this would happen!

I'd plan to split properly after your dd's exams.

I agree with category12- hold off until after your eldest finishes her exams.

Yes, I think that’s a good idea to wait. I don’t know what to do though. I earn a good salary, and I am mortgage free here, but I rent somewhere for work (only £350 a month). I don’t want to have to rent somewhere here, pay for my work place and contribute to the family home! He would get the family home for free!
I have put money up y to I get a new front door, new bathroom and en-suite so, once that is done, I plan on putting the house on the market.
I do feel I need to move out as he won’t take me seriously otherwise.
I feel bad for him but I just do not have feelings for him and can’t deny we have little in common.

Speak to your divorce lawyer and move on with your life. You really want to be back on MN in 5 years time posting the same thoughts and feelings? Unless you take control of the situation and find somebody who makes you happy nothing will change. Clearly as you’ve got older the age gap have proven too large as d now you have nothing in common and you’ve fallen out of love. Pick up the phone most solicitor will give you a free chat and tell you the next steps.

Why would he get the house for free? It's a joint asset within a marriage and as such should be split 50-50, either through one of you buying out the other or through sale of the property.

He’d live in the family home until we sold it so wouldn’t be paying anything for it, only half the bills. It’s fully paid for.
I’d have to rent another house (until the family house sold) plus my work accommodation.

I agree that I’ve changed towards him as we’ve got older but I am really unhappy now!

If I were you I'd stay in the same house. If you're amicable enough I'd see no real reason to put yourself out financially by moving. I'm sure the divorce proceedings would make things real to him soon enough.

I guess I could stay but the house would have to sell quickly. I’m sure it will.

I wouldn't leave the family home - what's his motivation to keep it in fit state for sale, to allow viewings etc? If he decided to be awkward, he could drag it out for ages.

He'll take you seriously enough when you serve divorce papers. Separate while living together - disentangle finances, sleep separately, don't cook for him or do his laundry etc.

I guess you’re right.
I am actually in the spare room now, have been for about a year. I used menopausal hot flushes as an excuse but continued to stay in the back room. I don’t like being in there as it’s a small box room and I don’t work hard to live like this but had no choice. I think we are slowly separating anyway and he is starting to take the hint!

We don’t owe any money out together so no mortgage, car loans etc. We just have council tax, utilities and food. I have always looked after the money but I earn more. I think I’ll start taking half of the utility bills and food and taking that from each of our salaries. What is left will be put in an account for each of us (so I’ll be able to save for stuff for a new house).