Husband out most nights

[MrsHagfoot]

Long post alert.
I’m really struggling with home life. We have been married for 17 years and have 2 teenage sons. All of a sudden DH is out most nights. He also works full time Tuesday to Saturday 9-5.
On a Monday evening he has started to work as a ski instructor from 2-9pm (believe me it is not for money, the pay is rubbish and he’d need to work for a few years to pay off how much it cost him to qualify).
Tuesday - DS no1 does hockey training, DH has now taken it up as well. I have to take DS to his training as starts earlier then DH goes to his and they both come home together at aporox 8.45 and expect dinner to be ready
Wednesday - he stays in
Thursday - DS no2 has hockey training which I take him to, have to get back to make dinner as DH has tennis and doesn’t get back till 10.30pm
Friday - DH goes straight to skiing from work and gets home at 10.45pm
Saturday - DH does paid job 9-5 but now goes out during day to play a hockey match. He has always refused in the past to take time off on a Saturday and I’ve spent every Sat looking after boys since they were born. I’ve found it very difficult esp when they were young as I don’t have family nearby and all friends were busy with their families on a Saturday.
Sunday - DH often goes to the dry ski slope to teach
I tried to do something once a week for me but DS no2 was home alone from when he got back from school until 8.30pm and unfortunately he suffers with low mood and really struggled without someone there.
In January DH went on a skiing holiday and took boys only because the people he was going with refused to take him unless the boys went as well. He also went alone skiing with my bother and his family last year. I’ve not had a foreign holiday for years.
Writing this down is making me realise I’m either stupid or selfish.
I got the guts to talk about it with him this morning as we’d taken half term off only for me to find out he had made plans all week. it is my Birthday tomorrow and he said he’d book a table at 9pm when he gets back from hockey training - how thoughtful. He also said he had to do the ski instructing as he needs the money. He does about 9shifts a month and brings home £200 in total but has spent approx £3.5k qualifying. He also said why would he stay at home in the evening as he has nothing to do. Then he turned everything around to be about him and helpfully finished off by saying he would walk into the sea.
I work Monday-fri 9-5 and have an hour commute home so I am the last back. I am also responsible for all the shopping, cleaning and cooking etc.
To cut a very long story short I am unhappy and lonely. I know I should leave but have no money to do so and wouldn’t be able to take the boys because I couldn’t put a roof over their heads. We don’t even have a spare bedroom for me to move into.
I’d be so grateful of some advice or even a way I could understand it from his point of view.

What happens to your salary op? Can we suggest strategies there? You aren’t selfish at all, you’ve been giving this your all and getting a slap in the face back.
Wait a few months, you deserve to get something from this loveless indentured servitude. In the meantime, New (repurposed old) laundry hamper/basket. Toss his clothes towels etc in there. They will get clean when he washes them. Dinner for the boys or leave them all to it one night a week, say it’s daddy role model night boys, he’s sorting dinner. Have a snack so you don’t care, your kids are old enough to cope, step up and cook even (will look great for him in the divorce if they do it because he won’t)
Etc. Do nothing for him that you can avoid.

He will hang around until DC's are beyond maintenance age, and in the meantime he is living two lives until he is settled fully into his new life without you.

He is already emotionally divorced from you, best to take a look at what your life will be without him now, before it's sprung on you. You need to do some forward preparation.

OP hang in there till the mortgage is paid off then leave. Dont even feel guilty about it. You have given so many years of your life to your family, you deserve a start. It's really selfish of him. He has checked out completely.

But yes as pp mentioned gather information and important docs in the meantime.

Fck me you are married to a selfish tw*t. Why have you put up with this for years, your hubby doesn't take responsibility for anything at home. I would just divorce him to be honest.

You'll have money if you divorce, make sure you get an excellent lawyer

Agree, wait till the mortgage is paid off. And use the intervening time to gather information about all assets, investments, pensions, etc, and get up to speed about the divorce process.

Look at Wikivorce and read some books online. BUT, and this is VERY important: cover your online tracks and search history!

Learn about self-esteem, resilience and self-reliance. This will do you the world of good and will help you cope with the shit that gets thrown about during the divorce.

Sometimes it's a shock, and so incredibly hurtful to realise that your marriage and withered down to a nothingness. You feel emotionally betrayed.

You need to teach the boys how to cook a few basic meals or freezer food

I would start going out the nights they expect to come home late from sport & expect food from you

He has not included you in his sporting hobby

You need to join your own hobby or club !

As Mumsnet says - get your ducks in a row

Did you have your birthday meal, did he put in any effort ?

If you work FT why do you have no money for yourself ?

Ducks in a row.
Good luck 💐

I would also start researching YOUR dream foreign holiday/s
Look on internet, look at prices, places to visit
This will help distract you, while you plan the divorce

OP, I feel sad reading your post. I don't understand why I read so many of these posts, so many twattish, selfish men out there.

I agree with other PP's...WAIT. Make sure you get out of this with an opportunity for the best future for yourself and your boys! Hoping you can increase your self esteem along the way; make plans for leaving this horrible man and look forward to a brighter future!

Sadly, I think that this does happen with some families where the male is dominant

Men who have sporting hobbies that take up lots of time & money, football, cricket, cycling, golf, cars, sailing etc
Versus
Wife & children at home

I'm going to add that I've been on a skiing holiday, with people that didn't ski. The resort that we stayed at, had walk or bus to the small town, swimming pool, sauna, out door hot tub, cinema, bars, clubs, horses pulling snow carriages. They joined in with the evening meals & apres ski fun. They could also get the ski lift to the first slopes where there was a cafe & outdoor space to watch the skiers. So wondering why you have NOT been invited ?

Why have you allowed this? He’s not pulling his weight. Keep your mouth shut, wait until the house has been paid off then file for divorce. In the meantime, quietly go see a solicitor to see where you stand

Yes wait until the mortgage is paid but as others said, prepare for your new life.

It's sad it never occurred to him to cook dinner for you or spend time with his DC since he was home earlier.

Agree with teaching the DC cooking and some chores. It might help their mood too to feel useful. Can they find rides to hoky sometimes?

How is it he has so much extra money for fun things? 3000 for training and holidays.

There does seem to be a disparity in your husband spending thousands on a hobby whilst you work FT but have no money?
What’s going on which one of you is controlling your finances?
You need to start getting your own MAD money so you have a safety net and don’t feel as vulnerable

Definitely wait until the mortgage is clear, use the time to make a plan for yourself. Best of luck to you, you deserve better than being an unpaid house keeper

Thank you to everyone. You cannot believe how much I appreciate your helpful words.
I have been thinking and making some decisions and also been wondering how it came to this. I was 22 when I met my husband and he was 30. I didn’t know anything other than the example my mum set by doing everything, but she never worked until I was 14 and then it was only about 10 hours a week. I have ended up being a house wife, mother etc as well as working full time. A v. Poor example to set my sons.
I hit 45 today and things are going to change. The next 45 years are mine. I don’t even know what I enjoy anymore. I have signed up to a course every Wednesday evening starting nxt week. Tomorrow I’m going out to buy laundry baskets for everyone so they do their own. I’m going to tell Hubbie he has to be in 4 nights one week and 3 the next when he is responsible for “teenage care” dinner etc and he can’t count Saturday and Sunday as 2 of those days.
He told me I wasn’t allowed to pay for a cleaner so I’m on strike unless he takes on his share.
He’s not violent like my dad was but his words hurt more. It’s the passive aggressive that really annoys me.
I’m going to take these next months to get my finances etc in order. If needs be my parents have an empty property nxt to them and we could go there after oldest has finished his GCSEs this summer (though I’d rather not rely on any one).
I thought I was being selfish but the boredom and monotony of my life wouldn’t be quite. Afraid I’m gonna need more support moving forward

You were quite young in comparison to him when you married. He moulded you to be there woman to facilitate his life.

Seems like you recreated the parental dynamic you seem growing up.

All your changed sounds great. Do happy you are taking control - make three next 45 years count! 😁

Also, OP get reading. As you plan your effort, figure out your mind space.

Patrica Evans book The Verbally Abusive Relationship

Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That? docdro.id/py03

The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) by. Philippa Perry

It'll be a good eye-opener to these sorts of behaviours!

For assertiveness:
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope, Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0553263900/ref=cm_sw_r_other_apa_i_uRXgEbTGJF179?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

On how to change how you speak with and respond to him:
Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1847941494/ref=cm_sw_r_other_apa_i_HSXgEbDGGKQCE?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Grey Rock Method
www.aconsciousrethink.com/6158/gray-rock-method-dealing-narcissist/

I'd recommend Kindle versions so he doesn't know you're reading them. Plus incognito tabs for your search history.

Good Luck!

One day at a time
It sounds as if you’re going to make each day count. Good for you
He’s in for a shock isn’t he! You go for it x x

You go OP, the next 45 years are yours, and they are going to be great! Do let us know how you are going

Well done, be prepared for him to be more vile when you tell him how things are going to be,but don’t back down. He’s had you at his beck and call for far too long

@MrsHagfoot
Don't beat yourself up about the past. So many of us have been boiled frogs through the insidious process of slowly getting used to behaviour which, in the cold light of day, is abnormal and totally unacceptable.

You are luckier than most in that:-
You're still young
You're sons are nearly grown and don't require childcare
You have a secure job
You could, if need be, move into your parents' property
And, most importantly, you have woken up to the fact that your marriage is a sham...
Plus you have the determination and emotional strength to get rid of your selfish leech of a husband and change your life

Hey, from where I'm sitting it looks all good! Though I'm not underestimating how tough this must be for you, and how much you are hurting. But you can do this! Keep your eye on the prize - your brilliant future