Unhappy...but not enough to separate?

[currentwaves]

Hi, posting for some advice/thoughts - no one to talk to about this IRL.

I've been with my DH for 10+ years, have one young DC together. We are currently considering separation, but at a cross roads.

Our relationship is a kind of contraction in many ways. We are each others' greatest supporters and worst enemies at the same time. We really understand each other on one level, but on another level, don't understand each other at all - if that makes sense.

We're prone to arguing, low-level bickering that sometimes turns into larger arguments - we both felt due to stressful life circumstances (e.g. health, financial, work etc) and always felt that things will be better when XYZ happen...

But since DC came along it's really feeling the strain.

My focus is mostly on our child and my husband feels pushed out, and unlistened to.

We no longer have any shared hobbies or interests due to time/financial constraints (we don't have any outside help).

He has depression and anxiety and is constantly exhausted, so finds it hard to cope with the demands of family life. He feels like I'm making him live a life that is making him unhappy e.g. social obligations, expectations. I try to give him space but at the same time things need doing and life needs to go on.

The rational side of both of us say that it would probably be for the best to part as amicably as possible for the benefit of all concerned.

But despite the conflict, neither of us feel the marriage is over. But we don't know how we can improve it either. He says I never change. I don't feel he will either. Yet neither of us wants to take the steps to break up.

He is not up for marriage counselling, but he wants us to try and muddle through.

Currently we're in sleeping in separate beds and trying to live a normal family life while we work out what we want.

Would be grateful for any pearls of wisdom.

Sorry for the long thread!

This sounds like no way for either of you to live. If he wants to try and make it work then marriage counselling would be a deal breaker for me because ‘muddling through’ clearly isn’t working. Things won’t magically just get better unless you both actively work on identifying the problems and then work to solve and improve them.

Feel for you. My husband and I had a wonderful marriage until we had children. He is a very domesticated man and very house proud and enjoyed keeping house when just the two of us but he can't keep the house to the standard he likes with a family. He has never been a hands on parent and he does all the domestic stuff (i am a rubbish home keeper apparently). We should have split years ago as we just piss each other off all the time. The kids don't get on with him he doesn't get on with them. Kids make noise and mess which annoys him. Every year I say when the kids are older it will be different but every year it just gets worse. We keep talking about splitting up but he will not see the children if we split as he can't cope as he has never looked after them and he would refuse to leave our beautiful house as it is his 'baby' so it would have to be me and the kids that goes. Looking back I wish I had gone several years ago when the kids were younger and it would have been easier to have gone then. He just isn't cut out to be a dad and he admits this. He refuses any type of marriage counselling - he says the kids have destroyed us and our home. My advice is don't think it will change because it probably won't. Like you say we muddle through - neither of us are happy. Twice I have set the ball rolling to move out but as yet I am not financially set up to rent anywhere - I am saving but going to be a long way coming - and sometimes I think it is actually just easier to stay as we are. We have separate lives and I do no housework so it semi works for us. Big hugs- horrible living this way.

I know, personally I know I'd benefit from talking to a counsellor with hin but I know he will shut down and get defensive. He never finds it helpful to talk about his feelings (which is part of the problem). He feels raking over problems without solutions is unhelpful. He went to CBT years ago but at the time said he didn't feel talking therapies in general are helpful to him personally, as they don't remove the cause of stress and anxiety.

Maybe both of you write down things that you want to change in your relationship. And be brutal. And then hand it to each other and go through each point. It’s far more constructive than arguing when points can get forgot. I’m doing it later with my fella in the hope we can get through some things we struggle to get past. And try and find things to enjoy together. Best of luck xx

@cola2019 Thank you for your supportive post. So sorry to hear about your situation, lots of it sounds very familiar to me. I too feel like I piss off my husband much of the time! He's like a bear with a sore head most of the time.

My husband has said that being a parent is bad for his mental health, and he warned me of this before we had one. So I think much of the built-up resentment stems from this.

I too am not in the financial position to move out. All our money is tied up in our moneypit of a house...

@restingbitchface I'd be up for that, I doubt he'd engage with that though. We've been pretty brutal about what we don't like about each other. It boils down to not being able to give each other what we need as partners, emotionally speaking.

Sorry that was meant to be in reply to @restingbitchface30

I hope it goes OK later with your partner.

When he says that he warned you before you had a child that it would be bad for his mental health, do you mean that he didn't really want one and went along with it because you wanted one? Or that he was keen to have one but warned you he'd find it hard?

I certainly think that counselling could help and it's a real shame that he won't consider it.

He always said he was undecided about children (he never outright said he didn't want one, but I realise that was the actual reality of it) - the reason that he didn't want his child to 'be like him' - as in, experience mental health difficulties. He knew from the outset that I wanted a family and that it was important to me. It was discussed and agreed that we'd have one before we got married.

I definitely feel the resentment now though. The 'I didn't sign up for this' kind of statements.

He is a playful, hands-on dad (we both went PT after I finished mat leave so he didn't leave it all to me) - but he really struggles with the daily routines, disciplining etc, and having no time to himself and the broken sleep (our child still wakes often in the night).

Thank you for responses here, by the way, they are helping.

I find CBT fantastic.

Is he a bit 'ocd' about the house.

I'm house proud but having 2 / 4 kids I loved being a parent.

With a bit of organising and encouraging the kids help, I got to enjoy my kids , be a great parent and have a tidy house.
It's not impossible. (And surprisingly how a bit of bribery can help :) )

He is particular about the house in some ways (gets a bit obsessed with DIY at times) he’s unmotivated (ahem) with housework.

Aah yes, the ' omg the house is a shit tip' whining, but no actual movement on helping clean it nonsense. How old is your child?

Yep...though he will do bursts of intensive cleaning from time to time.

We have a three year old.

Would either of you consider a return to FT hours? Might alleviate some of the financial strain.

Yes he went back to full time this year.

If this was me I’d tell him I want to save the marriage but he absolutely has to go to marriage counselling.
This would be a dealbreaker for me. You can’t spend your life “muddling through” in a relationship, it’s no good for anyone including your child. You sound sorted OP and like you could merry somebody else and have a decent relationship.
In fact I’d be tempted to shock him - tell him you’re willing to go to counselling to save the marriage but if not you want the opportunity of meeting somebody else and being happy.
Living with somebody with mental health issues is draining (I’ve done it) but that is copable with if they are willing to keep trying to sort it out, keep learning, keep listening...

Thanks for your supportive post @Oly4. There’s no point pushing for marriage counselling because he won’t engage with it - and I don’t think that’s a reflection of how little he values our relationship - he just won’t engage with talking therapies of any kind.

It is draining. Over the past year, due to various reasons his mental health has declined and he’s increasingly unhappy. He wants to be alone most of the time.

It probably is time for both of us to move on but neither of us can bear to make the move.

If he wants to be alone most of the time what can you do? That is a lonely life for you and your child.
You could meet somebody else, have another future, maybe have more children if you wanted to. Not engaging in taking therapies is just head in the sand mentality.. or being deliberately destructive. I’ve lived with people with mh issues and sometimes they just want to sabotage things in their life.
I can cope with any mh issue as long as the person is trying to seek solutions, taking anti-depressants, being good to themselves in terms of diet and exercise etc. I know it’s easier said than done but these things are important if you want to try and maintain a good relationship with your spouse.
The future is scary for you, you will obviously feel that. But you can’t live a lonely life in limbo with somebody who won’t or can’t put the work in

Thanks @oly4 your post is very astute. I do feel lonely, even though that’s actually hard to admit. I spend a lot of time scrolling on my phone, looking for connection I guess.

He does take antidepressants which help. I also strongly suspect he has undiagnosed ASD - he won’t seek a diagnosis though.

I can envisage happier separate lives for both of us in the long run but in many ways I can’t make that leap in my mind. In a way, it’d be easier if one of us said outright that we want to leave. We’re both too scared.

Of course, it’s terrifying. And probably so far from the future you envisaged for you and your child. But picture yourself five years from now - do you still want to feel like this with a partner who doesn’t sound capable of giving you the full, rich relationship you deserve?
If you leave, then in five years you might either be on your own but living a brilliant life with your child, being sociable, having friends over without worrying.. going on holiday and making plans, or you might also have met somebody else.
If you know now that he can’t change, why wait five more years?
For me, the “I didn’t sign up for this kids thing” would break my heart in two when I looked at my child. Being a parent is hard work, but it’s also probably the best thing you’ll ever do. what is he like as a father? Does any of this “can’t cope with you” attitude filter down to the way he is with your child? Because that cousin really affect your child’s self esteem growing up.
I’m not saying definitely leave.. but I do think you need to look at why you’re scared and how you could cope with overcoming that fear

Hi @oly4 - thanks. Your posts have made me reflect.

He's a loving and playful but impatient kind of dad. Snaps easily. We have a different parenting style, I suppose I'm gentle and the opposite of authoritarian. He is more of a 'do as I tell you' kind of parent. I have told him in the past not to raise his voice at our child.

You talk about how I could give myself to chance to meet someone else and maybe have another child. This feels like something completely unattainable to me - and I wonder why I feel this way.

My H was my first relationship, I was late to the game. I thought I'd never meet anyone or have my own family. So at the back of my mind I think I feel grateful for what I have - and accepting of the difficulties. More than I should be. My parents are still together - peaceful coexistence now in old age - but we all know my mum put up with a lot of rubbish from my dad over the years. I'm grateful in one sense but sad that my mum never got the loving respectful relationship she deserved. So everything points to separation...

For now we are trying the peaceful coexistence approach til our finances are in better shape (funded childcare hours about to kick in) and we take things from there. I think my husband has lost the will to fight for our marriage himself. So who knows, maybe later in the year I'll post an update that he's actually made the decision for us and moved on..

Bless you, that’s a sad place to be in. I hope your finances improve and you get the will to leave yourself. All relationships have difficulties but this sounds more than that. And you shouldn’t be grateful for something that makes you feel miserable. Be grateful for the relationship you once had and your lovely child. But that doesn’t mean you can’t move on and meet somebody else