first time poster..

[choccielover36]

Hi all, This is my first time posting on mumsnet and I am not really sure what I am after, or even if I am ready for advice but I do feel like I need it from unbiased people that don't know me :) I have been married 10 years and have 2 wonderful boys 5 and 8. The problem is with my DH. I feel like I am burying my head in the sand about our relationship, I so want it to be good and for us to have a long and happy marriage together (we both come from broken homes) that I am ignoring everything wrong with it. He drinks too much, only on weekends and holidays but when he does he goes overboard, drinking all weekend from Friday after work to Sunday when we go to bed. I try to bring this up with him and he says I should just join in and stop being boring! I do like a drink but don't want to be drinking all weekend, especially in front of our kids! He is really grumpy and impatient at times, which I have always known but it seems to be getting worse. He is quite critical of me too - however in his defence I am a bit clumsy and lazyish at times! He is a neat freak, and really helpful around the house, he works hard and I know he loves us, but I just don't feel like we ever have fun, and just a laugh together and it has been like this for a long time! We try to plan date nights and end up arguing :( I feel like I have just waffled here without giving any real info ha ha!! he doesn't want to try counselling... so any other advice would be wonderful... I just feel like I have been stuck in a rut for a long time and want to break free of it, but without breaking us up :(

So, does he spend chunks of the weekend hungover? Do you not take the kids for days out?
This is not good OP, he is putting drinking before his family. YOu also say he doesnt want to try counselling so it sounds to me like he has checked out and is not prepared to even try. Ultimatum time.

Thanks for replying! He does handle drink well, so functions fine most weekends unless he has had a big night out, which is rare! I take the kids on most of the days out, he will come to a lot of things, but prefers a meal or a beer garden or when our eldest plays rugby staying at the club afterwards... so all things that include drinking! He will either not come or moan if I suggest bowl

getting used to the app sorry! posted too soon! If I suggest bowling, swimming a walk ect!!

How long has this heavy drinking been going on for?

He has always been this way really. He used to not have a lot on a Sunday but now drinks from lunchtime until into the evening! It doesnt ever get in the way of his working or getting things done around the house so he doesnt think its a problem. Sometimes when he has over done it he gets argumentative with me or just doesnt make sense or post stupid things on facebook which embarrass me. He just says im over reacting and he is just enjoying his weekends

Well done for posting - in doing that, you are recognising things aren't good. I'm not going to suggest your DH is an alcoholic, but he does seem to have an unhealthy dependence on alcohol. Im 10 years sober & through my recovery know thousands of ppl who struggled - their loved ones always took the brunt of their drinking & the impact on the family.

You mention not doing it in front of the children, but trust me, they know.

My advice, and I say this from a place of looking after yourself & your children & your happiness, would sadly be to move away from this man until / unless he addresses this and things change. I doubt things will change if he is comfortable as they are. And you should not live such an unhappy, unfulfilled life. I know you don't want to split the family, but it sounds like you are single handedly parenting as it stands.

Keep sharing on here, many of us have been through much of this.

I agree with @QueenOfOversharing. He doesn't seem to care about the effects his drinking is having on your and the kids. That tells me that he is more dependent on alcohol than he will admit. I'm sure you don't want your kids growing up thinking this is the norm?
I think you have to be tough and issue an ultimatum in that if he doesn't curb the drinking at the weekends, you will be looking at separation. It pretty much has to be that harsh. He's already told you he's not gonna change.

Thank you so much for your replies! Its so much easier to pretend there isnt a problem than face up to it. I agree with what you are both saying, and I think I have made it easy for him to behave the way he does. Im very patient and understanding, but I think its to my detriment where the drinking is concerned! I am going to have it out with him and say there are 3 choices, counselling, severly cutting down on the alcohol or we seperate. Really hoping he cares enough
to want to change for us. We both had alcoholic dads, far worse than he is behaving which I think is why he doesnt think its a problem and why I have taken so long to properly face it x

We talked last night and he agreed he does over do it and promises he will cut down! I have said I find it hard to believe he will long term, and he says only time will tell. we both had alcoholic fathers, so I have said we dont want our kids growing up with an unhealthy relationship to alcohol which he seems to agree with! I hope he can change, but we have been here before so its hard to feel hopefull. In the meantime I think I need to be smart and start a savings pot of my own. Thanks again for all of the advice 😊

Good luck - at least you have spoken & he has agreed on a plan. If he doesn't stick to it, then you can use that to show him how untenable the situation is.

Hmmm. My ex and I split over his drinking. He was forever promising to cut down and it was either short lived or he'd backtrack and lie or deny he'd been drinking. Sorry OP. I would go further than others and suggest he is an alcoholic. And, I'm afraid, you could be in for a bruising time if it's a half arsed promise to cut down. But good luck. I hope I'm wrong

I know, this is exactly what I am worried about! I told him I don't believe he will change long term and that if he can't it will be the end of us! I think I scared him a little by saying each time we have this same argument pver alcohol it chips away at me a little more, until eventually I won't want to try anymore x

The alcoholic always puts booze first. It's a form of brain damage. I'm so sorry. I enabled him for 15 years and totally lost myself in the process. Awful for me, terrible for kids. Cutting down for the sake of the relationship is a recipe for disappointment and frustration. It won't work. He either SEES it for himself and wants to do it for himself. Or he doesn't. And he doesnt, does he. Hes pacifying you. But he cant resist the booze. You know that. I wasted so much time and it really damaged my kids. I allowed what I wanted to believe get in the way of what was before my eyes. But you know this already, don't you. Especially as the daughter of an alcoholic. I'm really really sorry. Your post is bringing up all those memories. Have you gone to Al anon?

He doesn't want to loose you. And he might mean what he says in the moment. But the booze is winning from what you say.

Thank you for your support @P999 it does make me feel a little sad as I guess I am scared you are right. I don't want to repeat my mums life, it hasnt been a happy one even after leaving my dad when I was 10. What scares me most is the kids growing up with an unhealthy relationship to alcohol and history repeating itself. I havent been too affected by my dad but my brother and sister both have big issues with alcohol and that must come from him. My husband isnt anything like my dad, he hasnt gone off binge drinking for days, or let the kids down when he has promised something in favour of drinking. He hasnt ever hurt or shouted at me when drunk, but he does get into a state sometimes and is very negative which can be draining. It isnt a healthy relationship to alcholo by any means but I guess I keep hoping he isnt so bad it cant get better! Am I being delusional? I havent ever been to al anon as when I read other members stories mine doesnt seem so bad x

Rule number 1. Please do not brush aside the impact both on yourself and the kids. Your DH doesn't have to be an aggressive wife beater in order for you to qualify going to al anon. He probably really loves both you and your children. It's not about that. It's about addiction. Which isn't rational. Also, there is a wall between you and him. A booze wall. When his drinking is threatened or challenged the wall goes up. If there is any chance of you handling this in the way that might help yourself, kids your husband - it's talking and sharing with those who have similar experiences. I.e. al anon is, i think, going to help. It's so sad and so hard. But please don't make my mistakes and be an enabler. Tough love. He might turn this around, but not through wishy washy half baked promises. Which are only about fobbing you off. He will only tackle it when he is no longer in denial and no longer wants to be an alcoholic. He won't do it if you threaten him. It simply does not work like that. But none of this means he doesn't love you and his kids
I wish you all the luck in the world