Anything to read to heal from emotional abuse/ manipulation/ low self esteem?

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Read Lundy Bancroft- anything else which might help me understand my toxic marriage and why I married a man who has contempt for me?

You might want to look at how you were raised, what your childhood was like and if your toxic h is like a parent or sibling.

I would research cluster b personality types:
narcissists/ psychopaths/ sociopaths/borderlines/histrionics
These are the toxic abuser types.

Also look at Complex PTSD. Richard Grannon is good for advice on it and narcissism. He highly recommend buying the book by Pete Walker called CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving Complex PTSD.

Watch YouTube videos for relationship advice by:
Matthew Hussey
Susan Winter
Derrick Jaxn
Alex Cormont

For narcissism watch:
Inner integration
Surviving narcissism
Dr Ramani
Sarah Speaks
Melanie Tonia Evans
Marc Survivor

A good book on narcissists is by Dr Ramani Durvasula: Should I stay or should I go.

Reset your boundaries and go NC with any toxic people in your life.

Stay strong. if you are still with him, start getting your ducks in a row.

Stay strong and love yourself more.

Therapy can be helpful if you can afford it with someone knowledgable. I actually found posting here about some of what I was experiencing helped a lot with unpacking what had happened/was happening. When you start to get a feel from the terminology from Lundy's book even a Google on specific areas is enlightening. My next read is the 'gift of fear' which is all about stalking or inciting fear without ever laying a hand on someone. You might want to tailor your next read to your experience. Absolutely reset your boundaries and start doing things for you. Explore what makes you feel good and do more of that. Notice what makes you feel bad and do less of that.

Melanie Tonia Evans - You Can Heal After Narcissistic Abuse

But I didn’t have an abusive childhood and as real narcissists are actually a tiny minority of people I cannot buy into the concept that my ex was one?

Inner Bonding by Margaret Paul

as real narcissists are actually a tiny minority of people I cannot buy into the concept that my ex was one?

If he displayed narc characteristics consistently, over a long period of time would you ignore the evidence? Why couldn't you have become involved with an abusive personality- type man? You may not 'buy into it', you may have had a great childhood - that doesn't make anyone immune to ending up in an abusive relationship; you have to examine the relationship and if it 'walks like a duck, quacks like a duck' in terms of being a bad relationship then a bad relationship it was regardless of whether or not his personality fits any particular type.

I think usually there's an element of not wanting to admit we ended up in a poor or abusive relationship because it makes us feel 'wanting' in some way or diminished, makes us doubt ourselves, makes us adopt a bit of a denial stance.

You might also find ‘Women Who Love Too Much’ helpful.