I don't know what to do.

[Wakeupalready]

I am chronically ill. It will get worse as time progresses.
I work from home and find it extremely difficult to focus when the house is a mess.some times I can fix it, but the general small levels of carelessness with two teens cracks me.
Right now, I am in the midst of a pain flare, so much so that I feel trapped like a rat in a cage. There is no cure for what I have, just medication and physical therapy.
My husband focuses all his attention on the outside chores. We have a cleaner now that he was resistant to for some time , as it is difficult for us to pay for them.
Whenever I try to tell him I need less general mess, he completely shuts me down. This is a pattern we have had for years whenever we argue. He is better at " debating " than I am , and it always ends up with me taking the blame , feeling like a piece of shit, and nothing happens to change .
He thinks that because he now ferries the kids about a bit more he's doing enough.
I got frustrated yesterday with mountains of recycling piled all over the bench and pushed them off onto the floor so I could sweep them out straight into the bin off the deck. I cannot bend over right now, I was mad, and my hands aren't working properly.No one was nearby.I accidentally broke a glass in the process, which my teenage son then told him I had deliberately thrown. ( my son was not in the room).my husband then picked a massive fight with me yesterday, mid pain flare, telling me I complain too much , the house was fine, argued me into a corner, made out that he is perfect and does everything necessary. He won't hear what I am saying.
I am frightened that he doesn't love me, is only with me out of duty or obligation. He says he's depressed by our relationship at times. I can't ever get my points across, and future wise- I will not be able to cope on my own as my condition gets worse.
I am the person my friends rely on to fix their problems, they all live far away, so I have no one to talk to for help. I am an only child with elderly parents who live along way a way and are in poor health.
I don't know what to do, I want run away but I have nowhere to go, and couldn't physically anyway right now.
I guess I just needed somewhere to put this down.
It's even harder because the night before I had been thinking of how I could try to make our relationship better, and things we could do together.
I don't know what I expect from anyone here, I can't stop crying and Am in huge amounts of physical pain.
Thanks for listening.

I am so, so sorry OP. Life sounds hell for you at the moment and being in pain makes you feel so down and vulnerable.

Have you ever had relationship counselling? It does't sound as though your husband doesn't love you any more, it sounds as though he doesn't really understand your condition if he says you 'moan' too much.

If you've never experienced a flare and the ill person doesn't look ill, then it's difficult to understand.

A counsellor may give you both the space to openly communicate. Living with someone with a chronic illness is also stressful, so perhaps some listening as well.

If the children are old enough, they should have chores. Maybe when you're not feeling so unwell, when the flare has subsided, you can get everyone to have a declutter. I can't function with clutter around either and had a big clear out a few years back which took three months. Since then, I've got rid off more and more stuff and I find it very relaxing.

Get yourself some bath salts as they contain magnesium which is a muscle relaxant and help with pain. If you add some lavender essential oil it may help relax you.

You can find a counsellor here.

Can you turn one room into a sanctuary where you work and that's off limits and kept tidy?

I do think you may be slightly unreasonable to expect teens and your dh to keep things to the standard you want, and you may need to switch off to some of it.

It's hard for you with your condition, and it's hard for them too.

I hope your flare passes soon.

If its fibromyalgia or any rheumatic issue get a referal to pain clinic. And start a pip claim- hire a cleaner

Phone those friends who live far away.

Your partner sounds like he can be a bit overbearing (polite phrasing) how often does he take it upon himself to chastise you and how often is he blaming you for his depression? the way you describe him as 'better at debating', does that mean he ties you up in knots and ignores your point to repeat that it's somehow all your fault?

Why is your son 'telling on you' to your partner, how long has that been going on?

I know pain and hopelessness can screw your understanding, but you seem to be describing a pretty fucking miserable house and your partner is right at the centre of it.

I don't think it is unreasonable to expect your family to put a bit of extra effort in because you are having a shit time and you've asked them to help.

I think giving you the help you have asked for would be normal fucking consideration for someone who's in pain actually. It's the bare minimum you should do for your own mother

Thanks for the replies.
I have Ehlers Danlos. I see a pain specialist already, I do regular physical therapy, and am on morphine patches. I have splints permanently on my fingers, and wrists.I recently had over twenty cortisone and pulsed radio frequency therapy injections into my spine to try to block the pain. My hips regularly sublux as do my knees . I do everything possible to manage my condition , and I am lucky because there are people with this in a much worse state than I am..

I am not disabled enough yet to qualify for NDIS in Australia so that is out.

It"s when the bench is so full of items to be recycled that there's no room to put a chopping board down, the bin stinks and is overflowing, the dining table is full of random shit, so there is no room to eat, cups and glasses everywhere, no new loo roll, and the empties flung on the floor, all that sort of stuff that I can 't cope with. I'm not a super neat freak , I just want the open plan room I work in not to smell, and have piles of crap everywhere. I have to work from a lazy boy as I can't sit in a regular chair for long and that only fits in this space, as we have no other room.

I get that living with someone with chronic pain is hard, but do you really choose to pick a massive fight on a day when that person basically wanted to die from pain, on the word of a child not even in the room? And then escalate it and pursue it for an hour just to make some kind of point, without even listening in return. This I don't understand. This frightens me.

I'm sorry to hear that OP, sounds very difficult for you.

What do you want to do?

@lilmishap, every time we argue about anything, he will not admit that he may be a contributing factor. He is never wrong. He comes from a family of lawyers and can shut down every point I raise till I feel like there's no point continuing, and just give up and accept I'm being unreasonable.
He chooses what he thinks is helpful. We've had this argument many times, I always loose, and he feels because he works full time and drives the kids around the place a bit more than normal he's super man.

My son hasn't done this kind of thing before, and I don't understand why he did it this time. I knocked the damn glass of the bench, he wasn't in the room , yet told his father I threw it.

@12345kbm hide somewhere basically.

Ok. Then do that.

Your partner sounds quite the bully.

I would speak to your doctor / services about what's going on at home.

I would talk a serious talk with your DH. Remind him that he is a man. Men step up and lead. Men take charge and get things handled. He needs to step up and be a role model for the DC.

He's failing at his job of being a father if he isn't showing them how to be strong and handle things. That means he steps up and takes charge of the home and mentoring the DC. His leadership to teach them how to take care of their home and loved ones. He models respect. Men don't argue like a child with their spouse. They respect their wife and teach the DC respect.

I would put it to him like that. The family needs him and is counting on him to lead.

@RantyAnty , what a weird little pep talk.

@footle 😂

OP, I'm so sorry you're having such a shit time, and I'm so sorry you're in pain. Life must feel very difficult to cope with at the moment, and you must feel very lonely. Your husband does sound like he can be a bit of a bully sometimes. I would really encourage you to reach out to one of your friends. It might help just to talk things through with someone, even if they don't have any practical help to offer. I really feel for you.

I wonder how much of your illness is exacerbated by living with a bully.

Maybe teen son is trying to force you to stand up for yourself. Or maybe he has learned that being mean to mum is normal.

He's is normally fine.
We seem to have this stereotypical anachronistic role where I do inside he does outside.
For an member of years I didn't know what was wrong with me. All I knew was that I was exhausted all the time and in pain all the time. When I hit 41 or so, things went on a massive downward slide, and it took me six years - multiple doctors and me putting the pieces together ( I am a researcher, but not a medical one) to figure out what it was.
He spent those years thinking I was lazy and didn't do enough. So we fell ito this role of me feeling guilty and accepting it.
I couldn't work full time then, and can't now but have a very well paying niche contract role which is not always regular but can earn me $20,000 AUD in 2 months at times, and he is in a job he doesn't like.
When I work , one small contract = his entire weekly wage.
But the roles won't change.

My older teen has PTSD from a surgery conducted before we knew what I have, which includes a faulty gene as an addition that metabolites pain meds and epidurals 8 x faster than a normal person. So major chest surgery with no real pain relief. He's a dick right now, because he has to have another surgery soon - and I guess blames me for his medical stuff, in a way.

I just can never, ever get my point of view heard, without being tied in knots so it's all my issue. This time I 'm despairing and so mad, I couldn't get out of the bed as a dentist partial dislocated my jaw two days previously ( whole other story) and it set of a massive pain flare. Yet I had to get up to get away, only to be pursued round the house being shouted at. The timing was abysmal and fucking selfish. I can't get past that.

Excuse typos pls

If he's not abusive (I'm suspecting he may be), would it be worth trying relationship counselling to mediate and work on communication, ie. hopefully to teach him to step back and listen?

If he is abusive, not recommended. You'd be better contacting dv services in your area.

Oh OP, I have no advice but I really feel for you, it must be so hard I hope you can talk to someone in real life, it can often help just to offload when life becomes this stressful