Should I write to ex-in-laws?

[GlassOfProsecco]

Following a 15-year relationship, DP & I are in the process of separating. I found out at the end of last year that he'd had an affair. We agreed we'd put a united front on over Xmas for DC & separate in new year.

I haven't heard a thing from the in-laws & I suspect he's not told them why. I'm not particularly close to them but we got on well enough.

He's being an arse about the financial side of things, is refusing to move out & dragging his feet in general, making it difficult for me.

Part of me wants to write them a letter, thanking them for support over years (they have been good with DC).
I just feel I'd like the truth to be told & say my piece, have some closure.

But I'm not sure it's the right thing to do. It could make things worse with DP as they'll be furious with him.

I'm not sure what to do - WWYD?

I wouldn’t bother tbh. No good will come of it they’ll be on his side, just make it worse. I know it’s shit but that’s the way it is.

It could backfire. It’s better to keep things calm and civil.

Also, bear in mind that they haven’t contacted you to ascertain how you are following the split. So, they may not be particularly outraged by his treatment of you anyway.

Good luck OP. Next Christmas WILL be better I am sure.

Thanks, you've kind of confirmed my doubts.

I feel so angry that the truth isn't out there, and I would like my voice heard.

I've told mutual friends what's happened & sadly they had taken sides before they know.

It's hard after a such a long relationship.

I m in the same boat and I sometimes think of the information I know about their darling son that I m pretty sure he hasn’t told them. I would love them to know about his affair and the amount of debt he got himself into. But his parents are old and his life since we split has been shit. So what’s the point!

I've been split from my ex for nearly 3 years and I have learned to accept and live with the constant lies he probably tells about me to his family and friends. It used to drive me insane and I was often tempted to send screenshots of his abusive messages to his mum.
As time has gone on, I care much less now. My family and friends know the truth and I frankly don't care about anyone on his side.
You will stop caring eventually.

Thanks all; I've had the letter drafted for months now bit something has stopped me sending it.

It was actually quite therapeutic writing it!

We have a few mutual friends & I've let them know what happened. I'd like to think the truth will come out in the end.

I'd also like to keep my dignity & would have to be aware of any backlash.

Urgh, seems so unfair....

My ex had an affair and he spun the in laws a story about how I wasn't sleeping with him etc. Which was true but that was because he was a lazy, entitled father who left me to do all housework and childcare despite us both working full time. He also kept putting us in debt. So yeah, I lost the desire to sleep with him and be affectionate.

They spin the story to suit themselves.

I think we have the same ex!

It's impossible to keep respecting & liking someone when they do f*ck all. Mine has mental health issues too, as well as being a liar & a cheat.

Who wants to sleep with a lazy, entitled man child?

Exactly. So, I wouldn't bother telling the ex in laws.

Your situation really resonates OP. I’m considerably older than you and left my husband and our 38 year marriage because of his affairs. Have I heard anything from my ex SIL’s? Not a peep. I was SO tempted to write to them and tell the truth - exDH had completely rewritten history. I didn’t though and feel I have the last laugh as they pander to his daily pathetic requests for help with the most simple household tasks. Muppets - all of them!

It's really hard, isn't it? You're part of a family for nearly 20 years & not a word from any of them!

Such little respect for the mother of their grandchildren.

And our paths will cross again at some point in the future.

I don't want my kids to be part of a conflict-type environment.

I saw this from the other side when BIL and SIL split. MIL was gutted, she loved SIL, and she found it all really distressing. But, for her, BIL came first.
It's hard for me to believe because BIL is an arse, but that was how she felt she had to behave.

Part of me wants to write them a letter, thanking them for support over years (they have been good with DC). I just feel I'd like the truth to be told & say my piece, have some closure.

If you want to do this (not saying I think it's a good thing), then I would do it via quick chat on the phone. If you write a letter, it will be there forever in permanent form, your ex will also be able to read it as will possibly your children if it is kept. You may feel differently later. Better not to leave something so permanent IMO.

It's also worth remembering that in any split parents will be loyal to their child. To get that perspective, think of your closest oldest friend - if she cheated on her husband or did something you didn't approve of - you wouldn't (if it's a real friendship) stop being her friend because of it. The same is true with parent/child set ups. In a split the parent keeps their adult child! They don't chuck out the adult child for the ex wife or ex husband no matter how badly the adult child has behaved.

Mine has mental health issues too, as well as being a liar & a cheat.

He'll no longer be your problem now.

Who wants to sleep with a lazy, entitled man child?

Indeed. Good riddance.

I think they know and are not in touch because they are taking his side.

I wouldn't send a letter but I would be entirely open with everyone about the reason for the separation. Assume he will tell lies and don't worry about the people who believe him, they aren't worth the stress.

A few things to keep in mind for the short and long term. Firstly your DCs - they don’t need a firecracker thrown into this situation right now with your STBXH still living under your roof. They have enough hurt and emotional injury to process, adapt to and heal from for the next year or so. If the GPS are good people you also want to preserve a respectful RS with them so that they don’t bad mouth you to your DCs.

But you can fantasise and your powder dry for maximum impact. You don’t need any more drama right now when you are trying to get him out of the house and settle finances and access. Maybe down the line you will be able to drop something into conversation if you feel the need.

The truth will always out. 100% agree never send a letter.

Blood is thicker than water op

I dropped all contact with my in laws (30 year relationship), which I found very hard as I really liked my FIL. Cutting all contact was easier than going into the whys and wherefores tbh, as it's no-one else's business plus they had to know they can expect nothing from me just as I expect nothing from them.

Do not send a letter. It's just ammunition. You maintain a cool, hearded approach for your children.

Logical thinking. Hes very probably a narc. His parents will have been covering up for him for years. They now HAVE to as their own conduct would be placed under the microscope.

Chin up lovely.

They are not your parents, they are his. If he chooses to confide in them about his problems and exaggerated the truth, that's up to him.
They created the monster and you are simply returning to sender.
They are now, nothing to do with you - your duty sits with your child. So having your piece isn't going to help your child's relationship with their grandparents.

@Rosetta19 - yes, he is far along the narcissistic spectrum (his mum is too).

And they are definitely his enablers.

I'm so glad I started this thread.

Thanks to all who have contributed.

Going against the grain here, but I did.

I wrote one of those A letter to pieces for the Guardian, directed at my XMIL. The trigger was her sending a Christmas card addressed to DD alone - it would have been another eight letters to put and Station View. (This was four or so years since her darling son left me.) The Guardian didn't publish it, but it said everything I wanted to say in quite a concise format, so I waited until some important exams of DD's were over, and posted it.

I gather it upset XMIL quite a lot. Good. Her son behaved like an utter c*nt and she offered zero support to me or to her DGD. I don't regret it one tiny bit.