What would you do if your path crossed with OW

[Rainandspirit]

Long story short . Found out end of May last year that my H of 20 years was having an affair with a woman that lives not to far away. For me my marriage is over. We have kids but my love for him died the moment I found out. I am
Sure lots of you know the hurt and pain I have been through and continue to go through. Tried to get him out but he will not move out wants to work on it etc etc.
I have been in a good place for the last 3/4 week ie have tried very hard not to let what has happen into my head and get on with life. I have enrolled in a course and things at home are ok. We are talking and getting on for the sake of the kids (separates rooms) then out of the blue today I was in the local shop picking up a few things and there she was. It has totally floored me to say the least. I couldn’t get out of there quick enough. I have a knot in my stomach and feel sick ever since. It’s like it happened all over again. I knew this day would come but now it has I feel stupid for running away . I wish I had the strength to go up to her and thank her for her part in reckoning my family. But no I had to run 😞

i used to have to see her all the time but because i didn’t stay with him i didn’t feel like she had an upper hand.

Honestly I don't think it would be as bad if you had a clean break, as you've done nothing wrong.
I just couldn't stop imagining her thinking "I f*cked your husband and you're still with him" (I know you're sleeping separately etc but she may not know this) which would make me feel like shit.

*wouldn't - stupid keyboard!
I hope you're okay. It couldn't have been easy a

We are not together only staying in the same house and as far as I know they are not together either . He swears he is not seeing anyone. Only wants me and the kids bla bla bla.
I can’t understand why I feel so shit ! Feels like it’s day 1 all over again.

Maintaining your dignity and refusing to engage is the best possible thing you could have done. If you’d confronted her she would have had ammunition against you. This way she has nothing. You win!

It's the private things he will have told her that i can't get my head around

Like my ex told his new girlfriend How i looked naked and what I was like when I orgasmed etc

When I first saw her, I felt that cold sick in stomach feeling. And I kept involuntarily thinking about the encounter and also wondering if she was better than me in some way.

As time has passed, I can say I wouldn’t speak to her and I don’t give her a second thought.

I did divorce ex, not over the affair(s) exactly, but it was one of the issues.

I couldn’t have stayed in my marriage after knowing he was sleeping with other women.

It's your brain reacting to threat - seeing her took you back to the trauma, and your fight or flight kicked in. But luckily you are not in the same situation now, she's not a threat and you can carry on as normal.

@bigchris yep it’s the looking at her and knowing that they were talking about me. That to this day kills me.

@LondonCrone yes I know the fact that I didn’t engage with her was good but man do I feel shit.

I will admit it’s a big step back for me. But no more then anything it’s done now. I have seen her and I will deal with it. Thankfully it’s mid term and I have a spa day booked with a dear friend on Tuesday and I am
Going away for a few days to see family so maybe it was good timing .
But for now I will shed my tears and no feel
Bad that H sees them as he is the one that caused them .

I know it feels like day one, but this won’t play out exactly the same way as when you found out about the affair. Day two will feel a little better than day two the first time around. It won’t take you as long to bounce back. Use your (very justified) anger to change your current situation. Your H needs to lie in the bed he made.

I was at the pool recently and the OW (it's 20 years ago and he's married to her now) walked past me towards the pool. I could feel the old anger and disgust (she'd been my friend) well up.

I felt sick, I'd have to share water and a lane with her. I could either leave- in which case she'd "win. Or, I could get in and swim.

I chose the latter and I swam like an orca! I out swum her, I swam and swam and hit the wall a couple of times at the same time as her but kicked off in front and kept swimming.

I was so proud of myself, I'd not let her stop my swim, I'd out swum her and I was fitter and faster than she. I know that after 20 years it shouldn't matter but- it does and I had to hold my ground (or water, more appropriately) I swam on after she'd got out so I didn't end up in the showers with her - I swam faster, better and longer than I ever do normally and I felt fab when I got out.

It's so hard when confronted with the OW, I'd like to say it gets better but frankly, in my case, it hasn't. But despite my desire to drown her, I didn't and I emerged with my dignity intact. I totally get how awful it feels when having to deal with OW, I've learned that keeping your dignity is important and if you can; show her you're better, fitter, happier, free-er or whatever.

Good luck and keep on keeping on. You will recover and find ways of dealing with these situations.

Honesty, I’d laugh. Even if I couldn’t muster a single thing to find funny. I’d laugh as long and hard and directly and cruelly as I could and walk away chuckling to myself as if she was one big cunty joke.

Then cry when I got home.

I’d punch her square in the face.

For me, the fact he was unfaithful / not the person I thought he was made it very easy for me to not give a shit / feel like I'd had a lucky escape. I get that is not how most people think, but that's me. I'm very matter of fact.

Fast forward 9 years (I am still on friendly terms with my ex husband, see him at retirement parties etc) he shows me a pic of a lady and says "how hot is she?" Turns out he has been having an affair with another woman who is his junior at work. She has 2 kids. She is married. He and she were planning to run off into the sunset together at this point. He was planning to leave the girl he was having an affair with while we are together.. I called him out on his bullshit. We may still be friends, but I actually said to him "oh you reckon you have balls the size of Jupiter, and it won't come back and bite you on the arse?"
He replied that his gf had plastic surgery, low self esteem and hated the fact that we still saw each other once in a blue moon.

2 years later, he admitted the affair. Hoped she would kick him out. She didn't. She forgave him. As she loves him so much. He is miserable. But asked her to marry him. Except it's on condition (unbeknown to her that he works away and continues to play away)

Meanwhile, I'm well rid, very happy, and very single.

I met her at a wedding. They were together and he was half cut and slurring before the meal started, no change there, and she came up to me to apologise.

It was in the top 5 most cringe inducing moments of my life. She started telling me about how her dad cheated on her mum with her mum’s best friend, how it ruined her childhood, how this led to her shagging my boyfriend (huh?), how she didn’t realise he was with someone when they first met but that when she found out he convinced her we weren’t happy, that she’d always wanted to meet me and I seemed really nice and she was sorry but they were getting married and it would all work out for the best...

She wittered, blathered, her hands shook, she spilled wine down her dress, followed me as I tried to walk away while she was mid monologue. I felt completely and utterly sorry for her. She’s pathetic.

They did get married. I heard on the grapevine he was with someone else the weekend before their wedding and know he’s continued to shag around. He got in touch with out of the blue many years later to ask me to meet up as he was so unhappy and he’d heard I was single again. I didn’t reply but I found out later their second child had been born a few days before he sent the message.

They deserve each other.

I'd start a divorce, stop this half-life.

About 20yrs ago my ex-p had an affair and I threw him out. OW cornered me in a busy pub where I didn't expect to see her. My blood ran cold and I froze.

OW was vile despite me trying to ignore her. Told me how she had fucked my ex-p in my bed while I was at work and my child sat in front of a dvd downstairs. How I didn't hit her I don't know. Luckily the bouncers chucked her out before I did anything.

I would go up to her and say "thank you so much for taking ...xh off my hands. I cannot believe I've got my life back. I genuinely wish you every happiness together"

I always know that one day our paths would cross and hadnt given it much though. The only advise my friend gave me when it all came out was not to confront her hold my head up high and walk away.
Well i more of tried ti hide and ran away !!! Ya it did feel abit like day 1 all over again and i cant say that it brought me right back just all evening all i could see was she laughing face (not at me but with he friend ) But today is another day and i am leaving her in the pass i dont have time for any more pain.

While H refuses to move out, I have made my peace with that and am using the time to get all my ducks in a row. So that a year to the day i found out what he had been up to I will be serving him with court papers to get him out.
Thanks for all the help

Does she actually know that your H is married though? A lot of women unwittingly fibd themselves an OW.