He's threatened to take me to court

[Isthisnormalorisitme]

Carrying on from previous deleted thread
Soon to be ex p has now said he will fight everything to get full custody of son. Son has said to him that's what he wants, feeling sick

I don't remember your deleted thread.

How old is son?
Have you had legal advice?

He's 12. Basically non stop criticism and a lot of shouting (at me).
Told me earlier he wants me out of the (jointly owned) house this week, but now announced he's going to go for and win custody
Has had a word with son, and I think he's going to agree.

I'm going to phone solicitor tomorrow. But that won't change the nastiness of it. I just feel a quivering wreck

I had to get it deleted as he grabbed my phone off my son and read the top of the thread, which was about DV (the standard Mumsnet text) and came in ranting about it
My original thread was about the non stop criticism about everything about me. My weight/hair/ housekeeping etc and name calling. All in earshot of our son

You need to try and calm down.

He can say what he likes, doesn't mean it's going to happen. Are you the primary carer?

Are you in contact with a domestic violence organisation? Do you have any support?

do you have somewhere to move to?

Don't leave the house without your son. (I mean as in leave home, not popping to the shops).

See what legal advice you get tomorrow. Was/is the Domestic Abuse? Have you sought support for this?

Definitely don't leave the leave and he won't get full custody it's an empty threat.

I wouldn't dismiss the threat as empty, tbh.

At 12, the family court is likely to listen to the child's wishes and feelings. What would you see as an acceptable contact arrangement, OP?

Don't leave your son. It's only said to keep you in line. And if you jointly own the house he can't just kick you out (also if you leave with your DS it won't affect your rights to your house).

Have you spoken to Women's Aid?

I have a DV contact who I'll try again tomorrow. Haven't spoken since October.
My worry is that my stbx is very persuasive when speaking to our son.
I am happy with 50/50 care, but worried about him going to court.

Am quite isolated from friends and family, partly due to many house moves

The thing is that he is promising DS all sorts of fun things to do. Trips planned etc . He's not working now, so not sure how this will fit in when he gets a job!!

Courts don't listen to a 12 year old without taking everything else into account. Why would they give residency to your abusive husband? I'm assuming that you have an IDVA and therefore there is a record of the abusive behaviour.

Are you keeping a log of the abuse for evidence?

Get legal advice first thing tomorrow. You can find a solicitor here. Try to get one with domestic abuse training or experience. Contact your IDVA and see about counselling. Either specialised for survivors or you can find a therapist here.

In the meantime, read up about Ending a Relationship so you know the different stages of the process.

12345kbm
Thank you 💐
I feel a bit calmer now.
It's all blown up because I haven't washed our sons mattress cover since we moved 4 months ago.
Says I'm an incapable mother and don't care.

As awful as the whole process is, a court order is the only way to get an arrangement that can't be reneged on easily.

You are right to get legal advice and DA support tomorrow. I hope that they are able to speak with you and advise you immediately.

I hope this all gets resolved quickly for you, OP.

The good thing about going to court is that I think they insist on you going to mediation? Which can only be a positive I think, for our son

12345kbm
Yes I have an IDVA and MASH (?) have been involved but stepped back after talking to school and making sure son was ok.

I believe MASH is a multi agency approach in high risk cases. Btw mediation is not recommended in domestic abuse cases.

Oh you poor thing.

Did you say He’s not working at the moment and is having a go at you for not washing a mattress cover for 4 months. Er.. do it yourself if it means that much to you - would have been my answer . But I know he’s a DV perpetrator from what you’ve said, so answering back probably inflames the situation. He’s pulling all the stops out now - threats of court etc- because he can see his grip on you is slipping. Stay strong and firm chuck. This time next year you’ll be in a very different place - with your DS x

12345kbm
The lady from MASH sounded quite concerned about what DS is hearing
Thing is, Dad is fine with son on his own. Though he has to tow the line and I guess things probably aren't so fine if he doesn't
It's definitely all about control

I'm so sorry you are going through this. As pp have said, try and stay calm and level headed. Write everything down (well hidden) so whenever you have to explain or answer any questions you have all the fact on you. Try and get as much evidence of everything. For example, if he shouts at you are calls you names, try and record it.

I know you said you've moved a lot, but maybe try and get back in touch with people and get your support network back. You can absolutely fight and win this.

Well, that's about to change. Deep breaths. Read the info given, get as much information as you can. Read the CABx and Gingerbread websites. You'll have an idea of the questions you want to ask your solicitor tomorrow.

You might find the Brightsky app helpful. You can record evidence on it and it's kept online, off your phone. It's a bit buggy though.