Being Hoovered

[Stillnotfrom]

Told my H a few weeks ago that I definitely want a divorce. Background is 25+ years together, long history of silent treatment, me thinking I was losing my mind when being persuaded black was white in arguments, you get the idea. This all started almost 2 years ago when I had a 'no more' moment after yet another silent treatment. Told him I was done then but was persuaded to try again.

H did change some things, no more silences, but it was too late. I was confused, broken and feeling very guilty about breaking up our family. I've had a lot of time to think and finally decided, despite being terrified, that I have to go it alone (both dcs will have left home later this year). Also, to quote another mn thread, I have the severe ick and I can't see that changing.

We have now started to tell people this is happening but H has decided to try to persuade me again to ' keep trying'. Lots of comments about what a big mistake I'm making and lots of offers to change everything to be how I want it. This is daily and I'm exhausted. I keep having to say no and that I don't want to talk about it anymore. Now he's suggested sex to see how I feel but the thought makes me feel ill.

Please tell me this stops. Please help me keep strong through this, I feel like I'm just waiting for the next attempt. My head hurts, my stomach is upset and I'm trying to keep it together for my DC2 who is still at home but it's so hard. We will be living in the same house for a while and have agreed to be amicable but how do I get him to stop trying to persuade me?

Why are you going to keep living together?

He won't stop pestering you so forget that. You need to get away from him.

Living together clearly isn’t an option.

OP he seems determined to break you. You really need to get advice and get the rock out of there pronto.

Are you getting any support from a domestic violence organisation or therapist? Have you see a solicitor? Where are you in the process? How old is your child? You say DC2 are they two or your second child?

Sorry folks I didn't explain things very well. Its my 2nd DC who is still at home but is doing A levels in the summer then will be off to university in the autumn. Neither of us want to leave until then so it looks like we will be housemates for a few months.

I wanted to tell people about the divorce partly so he realises I'm serious and partly because I want to be able to talk to my family, until now I've had no one.

So far today he has tried 3 times to persuade me to keep trying, promising all sorts of things. I just keep repeating that my mind is made up and it's too late but it's so tiring and stressful. I think he can't believe it's not working as he has always talked me round (ground me down) in the past.

I have seen a solicitor but I'd like to wait until the new no fault divorce law is here as he won't agree to a divorce and may even contest. I'm having some counselling, which helps, but it will help so much more to get this put into the open. I just have to get through the next few days of his attempts to get me to change my mind.

The hoovering, the empty promises, bargaining will not stop.

Think about it, isn't this pretty standard behaviour from him ? Which has worked up until now.

Are you strong enough ? I fear he might be stronger.

You've told him your mind is made up. Unfortunately he's taken this as you throwing down the gauntlet. He's accepted the challenge. Might think it's exciting.

On a current thread, one woman's unfaithful partner bragged to his affair partner that he could get his wife back within two dates.

Have you told him outright to stop talking about it. Also, I'm wondering how much attention seeking he's doing. How much undermining of you or your resolve he's doing.

Does your DC2 know nothing about the split then? If you are telling others about the impending divorce, will he not find out. I'm not sure what difference his A levels will make if he already knows you're going to split.

Just tell people. He doesn't have a right to your freedom of speech. Just tell people.

We have now told both DCs about the plan to divorce. Waiting to sell up is more about the disruption moving house causes, and avoiding that until after exams.

I have now told him that he has to stop talking about this so hopefully he will. @ToEarlyForDecorations you are right, this tactic has always worked in the past, I think he's shocked it isn't working now. I just keep repeating that my mind is made up and so far I'm staying strong but it's so wearing.

Time to tell your family and friends now then OP. Tell the people that will support you and not try to persuade you to change your mind.

you cant, just stick to your guns. you know it isnt going to work.

I spent a few months living with exh once we'd split. not amicable and on many occasions he threatened to commit suicide unless I changed my mind. now split 1yr and has been constant messaging altho turning nasty at times. has stopped for now as I've started to report him to police for harassment.

just remember the reasons why u made yr decision and how long UV been unhappy.