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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to improve toxic communication

6 replies

Worzle23 · 16/02/2020 07:35

My relationship seems to be over. We have 2 kids age 5 and 2 years and we end up yelling at each other in front of them. It’s horrific. I don’t know how to improve our communication to sort out practical issues without drama and hurting kids. Advice please

OP posts:
Rosetta19 · 16/02/2020 07:49

More information please.

Mintjulia · 16/02/2020 08:11

Try to keep any discussions that are likely to cause problems until after the little ones are in bed.
Arrange for a relative to have the dcs for an hour or two at the weekend so you can both clear the air. And give you some time together to try to sort yourselves out too. Or hire a baby sitter.
What are you arguing about?

milliefiori · 16/02/2020 08:28

You have to agree that you both want this. I mean, he has to agree that he no longer wants to be at your throat.

I'd do something unexpectedly kind, such as bring him a cup of tea in bed or make him some fresh coffee and say in a really calm voice: I know we're not getting in but I really believe we both want the best for our DC. That is something we will always agree on, so shall we sit down and discuss how to behave towards each other so we can stop upsetting them with our screaming.
Try to shift the relationship to a very committed, professional (the job being raising DC) friendship. Ask him questions about what he wants for your DC and really listen to his answers. If he starts needling you with stuff like: 'I want full custody because you're a shit mother" say calmly, 'Do you really think that would be best for them?' as though you are genuinely taking his proposition seriously. Then calmly consider why it might be the best for them and how it might not be. That will deflate any aggression and return the conversation to the important topic of the DC.

Original poster
Worzle23 · 19/02/2020 07:23

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful responses xx

OP posts:
TheGinGenie · 19/02/2020 07:29

My parents were like this and it was awful. I think you need to look at why you get so angry or shouty and try and work on staying calm. Maybe writing to each other or some way of defusing the anger? Or at least wait til the kids aren't there. Even if they're in bed they will still hear you.

Lweji · 19/02/2020 07:43

Do you mean practical issues for separation or how to improve communication in the relationship?

If communication was improved, do you think the relationship would last?

In any case, some suggestions.

Write it down when possible. If you're discussing long term issues, put it on paper, then remove all the parts that aren't needed and are emotional.

If you need to discuss short term issues, start the discussion by proposing to find a solution that suits both. You may start by saying what are the options, then say what you think is best and then ask if he has thought of other options and what his opinion is. Take it into consideration. Then pretend you're discussing a price in a market. Say what you'll give and what he might give in in return.
If necessary, give in a bit too much on one, but start discussion on another issue saying that he'll have to give in more on that.

Worst case, councelling or mediation.

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