7 months pregnant and realising my partner is a bit of an arsehole. What next?

[heartbrokenteapot]

Not a complete arsehole, but I'm starting to suspect a lot of our relationship issues are not due to me being over sensitive/emotional but are in fact due to her just not being a very nice person sometimes. Parts of the relationship are still good and I don't want to split but it's like now I've seen it I can't unsee it. Feeling stuck and sad and not sure how to proceed.

Do you have family in another part of the country? If so, now's the time to move - establish the baby's residency for family court proceedings wherever you want to end up living. You will not easily be able to do this (without his permission) after the birth. Distance will help with avoiding significant contact with an abusive person.

I would consider leaving him off the birth certificate to buy some time. If he is on it, he can refuse to return your child and you would need to go to court to have your child returned to you. This could take time. He can apply to court to be added, then you can apply at the same time for contact to be formalised, preventing him from simply keeping and withholding your baby from you. This has been known to happen with abusive men.

Certainly give the child your own surname. You grew it, you birthed it and you will raise it. Your surname.

Do you have joint assets or liabilities? A joint owned or rented house? Are you working at the moment? Will you be after the child is born? 💐

Think you need to re-read the OP @PicsInRed

What are the relationship issues? Would you consider counselling? Would your partner go with you?

Has this escalated since you became pregnant or do you think it’s always been this way?
Is it possible she is jealous of you being the centre of attention because you are the one carrying the baby?
I think at the very least you should seek counselling together, if she rejects this out of hand or just turns it on you, you probably need to separate.
Do you have supportive friends or family you could confide in?
Well done fit facing up to it at such a difficult time. Better to confront it now before the maelstrom of the early weeks hits.

“for” not “fit” ffs

Yes, I see, I missed "her".
I presume that the OP is pregnant and female?

OP, are you in a civil partnership - will your partner have parental rights over this child?

If so, the majority of the post stands. Remove yourself from this abusive partner as much as you can OP, before baby is born. 💐

I've read it as the OP's partner is 7 months pregnant.

@heartbrokenteapot you're going to have to clarify.

Sorry, I'm the one whose 7 months pregnant. My partner is female and so am I. We're not married or in a civil partnership but have signed forms giving consent for the other to be legal parent to the baby.

Looking back there were warning signs before but I didn't/wouldn't/couldn't see them. I'm not stupid but am quite relationally naive.

The thing that triggered this post was I called to say goodnight last night (we live together but she is away) and she was just horrible for no good reason, accused me of "starting another fight" and "always being negative" at quite some length because SHE brought up a disagreement we'd had that morning, I hadn't mentioned any past events at all but she went on and on at me for it when literally all I did was call to say goodnight. When I interrupted her unpleasant monologue to point this out, she hung up on me. (I know interrupting is bad but she was going on at quite some length, repeating the same completely untrue accusation over and over again - I hadn't brought up any past events or said anything negative at all!)

Things are not all bad but it some ways it'd be easier if they were because then I'd know what to do.

Get legal advice on those forms you've signed ASAP and the effected coercive control/DV may have on that.

A large % of domestic violence begins in pregnancy. Now is the time to get yourself set up with your family nearby and get some counselling for yourself so you can make sense of things before you're dealing with postnatal hormones too.

Good luck OP

Classic emotional abuse and gaslighting and classic for it to escalate in pregnancy, when she thinks she has you stuck.

Just trying to understand how much you might be able to escape her - is the signed agreement re parental rights legally binding? Is the child genetically yours or hers? Just thinking about how likely it is that Family Court might award visitation or whether that could be deflected.

It might be a good idea to see a family solicitor urgently to get an understanding of whether you will be forced to share parental rights with this person going forward or whether there is a loophole in your circumstances and the law which may assist you. I would unashamedly use any loophole I could to get myself and my baby away from this person. 💐

The fact that you aren't married or CP is very encouraging. Don't put her on the birth certificate.

Are you able to move far away? Is that feasible?

There has not been any domestic violence and I don't believe there was any coercive control when we signed the consent to legal parenthood forms. I don't know the legal weighting the forms carry.

As I mentioned before, the relationship is not all bad but it's bad enough that I have serious concerns. I'm not sure I want her to leave. I am more emotional than usual during pregnancy and don't want to make a decision I'd regret later. I'm scared to go through childbirth and parenting alone and we do have our good times.

I'm going to start keeping a record of good days and bad days. If the bad outweighs the good, I'll know what to do.

I'm at work today. Prior to our last spat, my partner agreed to walk the dog then come meet me after my shift. We'll see if that happens.

Moving far away is not feasible nor particularly desirable, my job, my home and my maternity care are all here.

If the bad outweighs the good, I'll know what to do

You shouldn't be looking for a 51% pass rate. There should be hardly any "bad" at all.

don't want to make a decision I'd regret later.

The decision which will bring regret is the one which cannot be undone. You can allow her to adopt your child later (though I wouldnt recommend this, given what we know about how she treats you), but once she has parental rights you can never be free of her - and neither can your child, whose only value to her may be in its utility as a stick to beat you with.
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It is so, so much harder to parent with an abusive partner than with no partner at all.
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Many women here on mumsnet have discovered this to their detriment.

I'm going to start keeping a record of good days and bad days. If the bad outweighs the good, I'll know what to do.

You do realise that that is a perfect example of an unhealthy relationship. don't you?

You really must start making plans, even if you don't action them (yet). It's only going to get worse. I'm sorry.