Help on Dealing with DD 18

[Butterfingers64]

I'm really unsure what to do here. My DD went to uni this year and I was relieved because we really don't get on. She is sneery and contemptuous of me and anything I say results in a put-down.

She has just been back for reading week and I have had more of the same and I have had enough.

She is currently at her dad's. He is rich and successful and married OW. He was also abusive to me both physically and emotionally for 30 years.

She has lots of fun when she visits him as he has lots of expensive toys (think top of the range cars, motor cruiser, kayaks etc) and he pays for extravagant holidays for her so she thinks he is wonderful.

I want to tell her that next uni vacation she should stay with him, but I veer between (1) feeling that if I don't I am just continuing to acquiesce in the same treatment he meted out to me when we were married (she is very like him in temperament) and I had no boundaries so he shat all over me and (2) thinking that she is only 18 and vulnerable and away from home and I should just suck it up.

I know exH has talked to both DC over the 6 years since we split telling them how fat and useless I am as I get snippets back from them in which I can hear his contemptuous ranting voice (he used to berate me until I was physically sick from stress and fear) and a large part of me thinks I am better off going NC and just giving up.

I do have an ED which, after counselling, I understand is my way of stuffing down my feelings and a heck of a lot of PTSD, so yes, I'm fat, but I have always tried to bring up my DC to look at the person and their actions, rather than appearances, but clearly I have failed.

I have tried to talk to DD in the past to tell her that I find her attitude and remarks hurtful, but I immediately get back that I am trying to make everything about me. Perhaps I am, but surely I should count somewhere?

Thoughts?

Personally I'd go grey rock and LC and work on self esteem and self confidence.
Your mental health and emotional well being should be your priority. She is now an adult and should know better, but is obviously being played by your ex.

She's 18 and emotionally abusive. You can make all the excuses under the sun for her, but the bottom line is that she exhibits a high level of disrespect towards you.
I've one like this. And what I do, is deliberately disconnect. I put up rock solid boundaries, make sure my life is as meaningful, happy and interesting as possible and try very hard to live by example which means not engaging with negative behaviour. I'm always pleasant, supportive and available but never, ever place myself in a victim situation. I'll walk away first.
Put your needs and aspirations first for a change OP and watch with interest how others suddenly treat with you more respect. Its a real eyeopener, particularly if you've been socialised to be people please as I have.

Thank you, I do really struggle with asserting myself for me (I can do it for other people, no problem) and I am a major people pleaser.