controlling sex/deadwater fell

[RitaandRuby]

new to Mumsnet

was just watching the above
a woman talked about 'controlling sex'
had never heard that phrase, or if I had id never taken any notice, just googled it and it resounded with a past relationship. I knew the relationship was abusive but I had never thought consciously about the controlling sex bit. Im shocked that so longer after the relationship ended I have learnt about this. There was physical, emotional financial abuse and I thought I'd processed it all. But learning about the controlling sex in more detail has really shocked me and opened it all up again a bit. I did the Freedom Programme by the way. Has anyone else got experience of controlling sex? Im wondering if people generally concentrate more on the physical, emotional and financial stuff because they are more uncomfortable talking about sex? I feel a real fool not to have thought about this before as my work involves caring for women and I think I should have had more awareness. When I say controlling sex in my case I mean things like a threat to rape me (which he brushed off excusing himself because he was drunk at the time believe it or not), making me shave all my pubic hair off, waking me up in the night to complain that I wouldnt have sex, making me receive oral sex which was very painful because he used his teeth very hard and being rough and making me go in positions that made me worry I would fall and hurt myself etc. Just want other peoples perspectives and experiences to help me work this through please

How're you feeling in yourself now you've realized?

Do you feel you could benefit from some counselling?

Do you remember 'The Sexual Controller' in the Freedom Programme? You might find it helpful to reread/look at now you've realized this.

I've experienced this to a greater or lesser extent in a few relationships- nagging for sex, going in a strop if they didn't have it when they wanted it, pressuring for various sexual acts, sex with me while I was asleep or drunk/unconscious (rape.) Pressure to dress/groom a certain way. Encouraging me to have sex with strangers etc, trying to manipulate me into threesomes. Can't think of more at the moment but there's probably more. It's been the main type of abuse I've experienced. Usually it was done via emotional blackmail, implied threats to leave etc.

So sorry you had to go through this.
The more I read about abusive relationships the more I realise how much of my ex's behaviour was abusive. Not just the obvious name calling and physical violence. I can now see that there was sexual coercion. Calling me frigid or a 'lesbian' if I didn't want to have sex. And asking me to do things that were painful, and abusing me if I refused. It was definitely all about his needs being met. It's just another aspect of abuse. There's a chapter about sexual abuse in Lundy Bancroft's book - Why does he do that?

@wouldithelp

thank you. Yes I remember the sexual controller but the focus was on the other stuff, that was what seemed so distressing and obvious at the time. Of course I have heard of sexually controlling behaviour but before I saw headwater fell I had never thought it had happened to me. in a way, it has brought it back even though I thought I had dealt with it. I could do with going for counselling again with a focus on the sexual stuff as I think it was missed before. reading your experiences, its easier to acknowledge because it happened to someone else. hope youre ok . when I was growing up, my parents always told me it was wrong for others to hurt me but sexual coercion was never discussed

@Olive thank you, ive seen that book, will read that chapter

@RitaandRuby People think sexual coercion is not 'real.' I made a thread about it all on a FB group actually, and women are sharing a lot of experiences. will PM you the link.

Horrendous to read what some women are going through in their relationships and how disgusting their partners treat/treated them. I can barely dare to image what a lot of sex workers have to endure on a daily basis at the hands of some men.

I actually found the whole of Deadwater Fell quite disturbing and triggering. The apparently perfect life of the GP and family as viewed from the outside. Chilling when you know this is happening all around. But there is still shame attached to it so it is not talked about.

@Wouldithelp

yes youre right, is this element of abuse in relationships not as recognised/talked about? may be because professionals dont feel as comfortable bringing it up?

@heyday

its reminded me, he watched a lot of porn, is controlling sex related to the objectification of women?

@Olive

headwater is freaking me outa bit.. him coercing his mother to ask her to ask others for a loan, its making me think of how he tried to get me to ask my dad for money for him.. isn't it funny, you think you had something sorted and understood it all and then something like this programme can throw all sorts of new things up?

@RitaandRuby Probably- and women don't often talk about it-; some feel ashamed etc. So it's a vicious circle of professionals not having heard about it maybe. Also perhaps they feel it might make women feel uncomfortable/be triggered if they asked them. It's maybe discussed more in individual therapy.

@heyday Sex workers experience a lot of abuse. There's possibly just as much in relationships, though, or course- it tends not to be reported. Men of this type will think they have an entitlement to their lovers' bodies.

rita It will be 3 years for me in March since I managed to escape and I'm just beginning to feel like i'm finding myself again. The Lundy Bancroft book is helping me to see things more clearly. But I do get triggered subconsciously. The sound of a door slamming next door for example. Or just walking past somewhere where there was an incident with my ex or a particular date when I know something happened. Or a TV program (I didn't realise Deadwater Fell was going to be about this). With hindsight, all his behaviour was controlling. Even the good times in between. And I keep remembering incidents that i see differently now. Like refusing to wear a condom. Wanting our child to be a girl (I think he would have felt he couldn't control a boy in the same way). Making me walk to the hospital for antenatal appointments when I was heavily pregnant. I've gone off on a bit of a tangent here, but I suppose what I have realised is that even the seemingly normal behaviour was probably not. Even though at the time there would have been a plausible reason. Also in the Lundy Bancroft book - he mentions that porn and an abuser is a bad combination - because of the objectification and expectation. And sometimes abusers force their partners to watch porn too.

@Olive

my god

he made me walk to the hospital when I went to be induced to have our second child
a neighbour saw me going with a suitcase and felt alarmed and didn't know whether to offer me a lift or not

sorry about what you had to go through

Thanks rita honestly I feel like a different person now. I was incredibly vulnerable and unwell. I am in a good place and even thinking about maybe trying to meet someone new...

@Olive

surely the freedom programme is a good prep before you think of meeting someone else? glad youre feeling that youre in recovery

@0liveOil Yes, refusing condoms, sometimes even sneakily ('stealthing') is a classic one.

@Olive

what do you mean 'stealthing'?

Wouldithelp I hadn't heard if stealthing so just googled it:

"Stealthing is the act of removing a condom during sex without the consent of the partner. It’s illegal in many countries, and is a form of sexual assault."

Rita I have done the Freedom Program. I am still very much in the 'thinking' about meeting someone stage