Cheating

[yellowandgrey]

Please don't be nasty. We've been together 5 years. 3.5 years ago I found out (not from him) that he'd cheated on a night out the weekend prior. I confronted him and asked him to tell me everything that happened. He told me they kissed and that was it. I sat on it for a day and it didn't feel right so I asked him again to tell me the whole truth, he then said she'd given him oral and they slept in the same bed. This might seem daft but because they hadnt actually had sex, he'd finally been honest and really did seem sorry, I forgave him. We went on to have a pretty great relationship, moved in together, got engaged and had 2 kids. We never really talked about it again, he said he didn't like talking about it because he regretted it so much which I thought was fair and I didn't really want to talk about it again either. I purposefully didn't tell most of my friends so we could move on and start fresh from it which is why I'm posting here and not talking to them.

This is going to sound weird but last night, I couldn't sleep because I had a weird, sudden feeling that he'd lied to me and they actually did have sex that night. I barely even think about it so this was really odd to have popped into my head. So anyway today, I sat on it and tried to forget about it but I couldn't. I asked him straight up and he eventually said yes, they had. I left the house for a bit and we haven't really spoken since. Am I being absolutely ridiculous and childish about this? I already knew he cheated one way or another and I got over it, is this really that different? To me this feels so much worse and I hate that he lied to me. It feels like I've been cheated on all over again. I feel like our entire relationship since then is a bit.. tainted? I feel really embarrassed and don't know if I'm being over dramatic, I just need someone to speak to

Always trust your instinct.
. He lied and kept on with the lie for several years. He only told you what he could get away with. I couldn;t trust him again
Why did he tell the truth now??

He's been very clever. He knew you found out what he'd been up to so gave you a half truth so it didn't seem quite so bad. Now he's decided to come clean because he probably thinks its too late now and you wouldn't leave him now. Rather than just be honest, his answers have always been to suit him.
Personally I would never have forgiven him the first time but that was your decision. But, only you can decide if you can continue living with this new 'truth'. I don't think i could. And no, you are NOT being over dramatic.

I also think he has come clean now just to clear his own conscience, not because he thinks you have a right to know.

Why do YOU feel embarrassed?? You did nothing wrong! He's the lying shite who has kept you in the dark for years.

I know exactly what you mean by things being tainted. When I found out what my ex had been up to, all the photos around that time and memories were tainted too, destroyed, ruined in my mind.

If he didn’t tell you the truth when you found out it’s because he didn’t think you were worth the truth!!!! Think on that. Your relationship has been a lie. If you found out in the beginning he had sex with her would you have stayed with him?

It would be the end for me. Not only did he cheat but he has compounded that by lying every day since. He didn't give you the choice to make an informed decision. I couldn't live with that or ever trust him again. I also wouldn't forgive him for putting my sexual health at risk.

If he says it was years ago, remember this is new information for you and therefore is a fresh betrayal.

This happened to me, took me 3 years to find out my dh had slept with the woman he'd told me he'd only kissed (and an emotional affair). Tbh it was the beginning of the end for me. I couldn't get over yet another betrayal, he'd basically been lying to me for 3 years. We're divorced now.

I honestly don't know if I'd have forgiven him if I'd known they had sex from the beginning. I just feel like it's a different situation now, we have an entire life together and I have 2 kids to consider. And this was something that happened before we had any of that. I really don't know what to do

Yes it happened years ago. But he's also lied to you about it for years.

It's not even that he's not been asked directly, 'she didn't ask if I'd slept with her, therefore I didn't directly lie to her'
You actually asked him and he chose to lie and keep up that lie

One of the nails in the coffin for me was that by lying he didn't give me the facts to make an informed decision at the time.

I already knew he cheated one way or another and I got over it

You didn't though OP, you've neigher forgiven nor forgotten it, which is why it plays on your mind so randomly. Now you know the truth, it'll take time - he obviously thinks because it was years ago, that the truth won't hurt as much, but it feels like brand new information now.

*neither not neigher

The jump from oral sex to actual sex isn’t that large. He already lied to you all those years ago by initially saying he just kissed her.

To say that you’re not sure if you would have stayed is naive. Based on previous history, you almost certainly would have.

Moving forward you simply have to decide if this is going to erase what’s happened since then. Maybe consider counselling.

What has triggered things now?
Is his behaviour suspicious now?

I'm glad that I'm not just being dramatic. I really did think I had forgiven him and gotten over it. Maybe not and that's why this has suddenly come up again. No, there's been nothing suspicious at all

Your conscience knew it all the time. For some reason, only now you have fully processed it.

I don’t really see what the difference is between oral/full sex he still went there.

Only you can decide whether it’s worth ruining what you have together or whether you can truly forgive x

For some reason, the jump between the two feels big enough for it to hurt more but it's definitely the lying that's my biggest problem. I suppose this is just new information for me and I need time to process it and make a decision

What made it pop into your head again after all this time?

I have experienced something similar. Over 10 years ago - the difference is I never got an admission but it’s something I think about everyday. My heart goes out to you

I am not sure, OP.
It’s clear you feel hurt.
And it’s also clear that back in the day he was a coward and didn’t tell the truth.
But in the grand scheme of things - facts didn’t really change - he spent a night with a woman in the same bed and had an orgasm. What makes one type of sex worse then the other is unclear.
However - since then - you’ve had a great relationship and now you have kids.
And it’s a lot to throw away over something you already knew about and tried to forgive.
I think the issue is more if you can forgive him in general. Have you had any counselling? It really can help you sort out what you want to do.

I don't really have any advice other than to say it never does go away. Probably 12 years ago my DH had an emotional affair. Or so it was sold to me at the time. Last year he finally admitted there was more to it. I still don't think I've heard it all. We too didn't really talk about it until the last 12 months. These things continue to gnaw. They change your relationship. Some will say they have come out stronger, and I am sure they have, but I think the key to that is getting the communication right. Like you, we havent communicated about it and it has festered with me for years. At this significantly earlier stage than I was, I would suggest some joint counselling so you can try to find a way through it.

As for dramatic... I understand the question. I wonder the same now, after all this time. I always knew something more had gone on. Why should finding out for definite make me respond any differently? So I'm not sure what the answer is there. Like others have said, I think it's the maintaining of the lie that is the crippling part.

Maybe you feel like you DH conned u into the life you now have am sure you love and your DC but if you would have known the truth you might of chosen differently which is your right. A

...because they hadn’t actually had sex, he’d finally been honest and really did seem sorry, I forgave him.

But he wasn’t honest. He felt entitled to lie and manipulate you, and has been doing so all this time. I would wonder what else he has lied about.

I suggest that you tell him to leave, at least for a while. You need space to reevaluate and he needs a sharp consequence for abusing your trust.

OK well he's a twat who doesn't deserve you. Let's just get that straight. Stop feeling embarrassed, you have nothing to be embarrassed by, only he does. He's ruined his life over some quick shag.

Next, does he have any assets? Do you have any assets? Do you both own the house, if you own it, or does just one of you?

If you have no assets and not does he, dump the knob now. You'll manage just fine on your own. You don't need him.

If you have assets and he doesn't, same as above applies.

If he has assets and you don't, as in the house or businesses or whatever, get that fucker down to a registry office tomorrow and marry him. Will cost you not very much and secures you. You then have a claim over anything he has. Then you can dump the twat and get half. It's the least you and your kids deserve.