I'm sorry for that - I describe it because it shows that there was abuse from both, but my judgement was impaired due to the baseline for acceptable behaviour that I'd learned in childhood, so it wasn't until he did something that could have easily resulted in my death that I realised he was abusive too.
I don't keep such stuff secret. It wasn't my fault, I've not nothing to be ashamed of and secrecy and shame/fear of upsetting people was how they were able to continue their abuse for so long. In a lot of ways, I've learned to compartmentalise so describing things that happens is like describing events in a film - I'm away from those environments, I'm not in them anymore. And if somebody can read what I experienced and possibly make connections or draw parallels that can help them, I think I've done something good.
From your OP, you describe behaviours that my ex used that I didn't notice. Because they were normal to me and tempered by the 'nice' things (like physical contact, talking to me, not telling me that I was shit all the time, not hitting me, not going after the cat, that kind of thing).
Do you think that it's possible you haven't noticed before because, to you, it's never been that bad with him?
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The advantage I have is that, by being able to look back on the childhood abuse (rather than still being trapped in those moments), I can see when something happens sets off those feelings - DP getting absorbed in doing something so that he doesn't speak to me much, him switching on the main bedroom light when he comes to bed after me and I'm woken from deep sleep - he doesn't do that one anymore - that kind of thing.
If I were still with the abusive ex though, I wouldn't have that distance. And he didn't believe what happened anyway - because accepting that it had and that it was abuse would mean admitting what he did was abusive, too.
DP is a completely different person. With his own insecurities and trauma, but fundamentally, he is utterly different from anybody else in my life. We still have ups and downs, but we can both see what is genuinely difficult/upsetting/needs to be addressed between us and what is a legacy of abuse. But then again, I know what would trigger unpleasant feelings in him from his past - and not listening to him or shouting at him would do that, so a concerted effort to not lash out verbally in fear or hurt/self defence helps us.
It's one of the difficulties with an abusive past - the way we could react to things that upset, remind of or put us straight back in that past can have an identical effect upon somebody else. If I were to respond with aggressive words or tone to something DP said or did that caused similar feelings, I'd scare him, he'd react by retreating and not speaking, which would then set me off at the withdrawal of communication/rejection, I'd get louder, he'd retreat more, and so on. Getting that perspective and understanding that whilst the level of abuse I went through was different to his experience, his experiences were just as real and valid, was beneficial for both of us.
Even where the other person hasn't experienced abuse of any kind, they don't have to like somebody shouting at them, not listening to them or, to them, having disproportionate reactions to everyday things.
Being in a relationship with somebody who has a history of abuse, whether with or without PTSD, is difficult because of the nature of abuse and PTSD. That doesn't change the reality of the abuse suffered, it doesn't make the person who has experienced it wrong or lying - it is a simple fact. Whatever the cause of somebody's reactions and behaviours, they automatically have an effect on the person present. To fail to acknowledge that would be unfair to the other person, too.
It's tricky to unpick. That's what therapists are there for. And maybe it's abusive, maybe it's a consequence of your abuse, maybe it's current circumstances, maybe it's a relationship running its course, maybe it's that you are both tired. Therapy helps you decide this and what is the best course of action.
Please be clear that I am not attempting to invalidate anything you have said, though. My initial reaction was 'that sounds familiar'. Whatever the case, I think you would benefit from exploring it further in safe, therapeutic environments, rather than attempting to address it directly with him, as even if he isn't being abusive, it's not his responsibility or within his capability to fix everything - and if he is, well, that's a recipe for disaster.
Take care.