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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex-best friend keeps contacting me, how to deal with it kindly?

35 replies

Lsquiggles · 15/02/2020 14:31

Me and my ex best friend were friends for about 20 years but throughout that time she was very controlling and would use every situation as an excuse to embarrass me in front of our peers and even my partners. Looking back she also bullied me throughout school and turned all my friends against me for no reason. About 3 years ago I decided the friendship was doing me no good so cut all ties, which she was understandably upset about, but I just needed to do it for my own mental health.

However, every couple of months for the past 3 years she'll send me messages saying she saw something that reminded her of me or a post on Facebook we were tagged in together from years ago when we were very close. They're harmless messages but they make me feel guilty and every time I see her name in my messages I feel like that bullied 13 year old all over again.

How would you handle this situation? I've already said to her 2-3 times that I don't want to rekindle our friendship but wish her well, what else can I do? I don't want to block her because I know it'll hurt her feelings and cause animosity when I don't actively dislike her but her constantly reappearing every few months stresses me out.

OP posts:
PragmaticWench · 15/02/2020 14:34

I'm not sure there is a 'kind' way to say "I don't want you in my life" further to the way you have said it already.

I'd say your choice is either ignoring the messages or blocking.

Toria70 · 15/02/2020 14:34

Block her. Otherwise it will never end.

I had a best friend who completely took my life over, there was a never ending chain of drama, upset, need for constant contact. She was draining the very life from me. In the end, DH said enough was enough and he wanted his wife back. I tried to gently extract myself, and in the end had to be more forceful but then the FB messages and texts would still keep coming.

You don't need her in your life. Block, and move on. Who gives a fuck what she thinks? It's what you think that matters.

HollowTalk · 15/02/2020 14:35

She doesn't mind hurting your feelings, does she? She's treated you really badly and now she's coming back for more. You know it's a very unhealthy relationship. You know you need to end it permanently.

The only thing to do is to block her.

Clangus00 · 15/02/2020 14:37

BLOCK her!
Did she care about your feelings? Did she buggery!

ZoeandChandon · 15/02/2020 14:37

Easy, block her.

Original poster
Lsquiggles · 15/02/2020 14:42

I know you're all right, it's just when she wasn't undermining me she was a really good friend, I know that sounds ridiculous which is why we are no longer friends because even now she makes me feel like the bad guy

OP posts:
Original poster
Lsquiggles · 15/02/2020 14:43

I should also add that she's just sent me a photo of a toy I got her son when he was born Sad

OP posts:
honesttogod · 15/02/2020 14:44

You don't want her in your life so block her. Stop tormenting yourself.

Bezalelle · 15/02/2020 14:45

when she wasn't undermining me she was a really good friend

She wasn't though, because of the times she was undermining you.

Clangus00 · 15/02/2020 14:46

Today 14:43 Lsquiggles

I should also add that she's just sent me a photo of a toy I got her son when he was born

So....now she’s using her son to manipulate you.

ScabbyBabby · 15/02/2020 14:46

Just block her else you’re just as much to blame as her for dragging out this drama. Harsh but true.

Herpesfreesince03 · 15/02/2020 14:46

Block her. Easy

Lollygaggles · 15/02/2020 14:48

I understand this feels hard because you are a kind and thoughtful person, but your friend isn't. She's still manipulating you. Since I hit my 50s I have no tolerance for people who are inauthentic, toxic, play games, or don't respect me. I'm afraid I block and delete.

waltzingparrot · 15/02/2020 14:49

Reiterate that you don't want to rekindle the friendship and therefore you are going to release her from your contacts/social media to save her unneccesarily contacting you.

Wordy enough to not sound too blunt and callous. Then block and forget. She is not your friend.

SandAndSea · 15/02/2020 14:52

You've told her 2-3 times.
You've stopped contact.
3 years have passed.
She's not getting it.
I would block her.

EllenRipley · 15/02/2020 14:53

She's very persistent; does she understand why you cut ties with her? Did you at least give her a short version of what she'd done to you, the effect it had on you and why you'd decided to move on? You don't need to get into a conversation about it but I'd be tempted to make your reasons very clear, then at least she'd have an opportunity to come to terms with the end of the relationship and you could let go of any guilt (then block her!).

She probably already knows deep down but is trying to mend some bridges so she doesn't have to deal with it.

Original poster
Lsquiggles · 15/02/2020 14:58

I did explain each time all the reasons and she didn't necessarily see it from my point of view but seemed to accept it in time. I think since I've had my DD recently she may now think we have something new in common (ridiculous I know but she always wanted our kids to be best friends)

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 15/02/2020 14:59

I should also add that she's just sent me a photo of a toy I got her son when he was born

She's trying to emotionally manipulate you, OP - it's just more of the same, isn't it?

I don't want to block her because I know it'll hurt her feelings

Well, it's her or you - I know what I'd choose under the circumstances. Look after yourself, OP.

VettiyaIruken · 15/02/2020 15:00

Do you reply to her when she messages you?

Musti · 15/02/2020 15:04

You need to block her. She's toxic

PicsInRed · 15/02/2020 15:06

It's called "hoovering".

Google it and block her.

SandAndSea · 15/02/2020 15:17

I agree with Pics.

Think about how a normal, healthy person would behave in this situation. It's just not normal to keep contacting someone like this after the person has made it clear the relationship's over. It's especially unfair to send emotionally charged photos like that. It sounds manipulative, as though she is deliberately trying to invoke a strong emotional response in you. She's also not respecting your boundaries.

This is not the stuff of healthy, happy, respectful relationships. Only you can stop it and that's by blocking her. The alternative is having to deal with more messages like this, whenever it suits her, possibly for the rest of your life.

thickwoollytights · 15/02/2020 15:18

I'm much more interested to know why you think so little of yourself that you allow this cruel manipulation into your life?

CoffeeCoinneseur · 15/02/2020 15:26

You must be getting something from this... maybe it feels good for you to know that given the choice she still wants to be friends with you - even if you don't acknowledge that to yourself and it's subconscious... because otherwise you'd have blocked her long ago.

MzHz · 15/02/2020 15:28

You’ve been kind, you’ve been clear, now to be clinical.

She’s upping the ante and disregarding your boundaries

Block and get on with life without her