DS and stopping contact with his Dad

[Mum4Fergus]

I'm after some MN worldly advice please.

Separated from DS dad when DS was 4, he is now 10. Mutually agreed family based arrangement has been in place for sometime which, for the best part, has worked well for all.

In Sept 2018 X was diagnosed with PTSD and in short disappeared with zero contact for about 3 months. He reappeared and we gradually returned to previous arrangement. X's mental health has again taken a downturn to the extent I am concerned for DS health and well-being while in the care of his Dad. I have contacted my solicitor for advice on how to proceed and in the meantime have informed X that DS will not be with him until I get advice around what options are available to me.

Does anyone have experience of similar situations/s and of what options they took?

TIA

Hopeful bump x

Few more details needed on your ex’s mental health. Is it depression but he’s managing to take care of himself, or is he manic/schizophrenic/violent etc. It heavily depends on why you think there’s a danger to your sons health and well-being. Is your ex getting help for his mental health?

I’ve PTSD, OCD and depression. My kids live with me, there’s no danger to them, they’re well looked after and loved, and if my mental health does take a down turn I get help. Mental health issues don’t automatically mean the parent is unable to look after their child adequately.

Thank you for replying x

X has PTSD (diagnosed) but has stopped counselling and refuses to take the prescribed medication. He is also drinking heavily.

As an example...

In the past 2 weeks he has turned up at our house drunk in the early hours of the morning...totalling incoherent. He has spent 2 full days in the pub drinking and took DS with him. He got into an argument with a shop owner, again in presence of son. He and DS walked a fairly long distance with no jackets and in the pouring rain and high winds.

In his rambling emails he never mentions DS well-being it's all about him. I have the impression that he relies on son for emotional support-he has driven pretty much everyone else away.

I am entirely sympathetic to his issues however he will not take any ownership to try to address them.

Sorry, in answer to your question, I do not believe he is capable of taking care of himself. In the last week he has had to borrow money from me for food/electricity...his flat is damp and almost almost in darkness.

What a horrible situation for you. I think if your ex partner is exhibiting the behaviour you've described, it would be irresponsible on your part to let him be alone with his dad at the moment. It's not about being kind or not wanting to be unkind, but safe guarding your child. I'd keep him away, outline to your ex in writing why you're doing so, and take it from there.

That’s a whole different ball game, you’re completely right to stop all contact. I’d advise not engaging with with him at all until he’s back getting help and support for his mental health and drinking. It’s one thing to struggle with your health and still be trying to do the best for your child and completely another to not be thinking at all about your child’s health and safety at all.

While it’s really commendable that you’ve sympathy for him, your son definitely needs protecting at this point. You could get a residency order, and possibly some kind of order to prohibit you ex from seeing him until he gets his act together again (though I’m less certain of this). But you’re definitely legally within your right to stop contact completely between your ex and son in this situation.

Remember that you are not responsible for your ex’s well being (and nor is your son), and if you are attempting to support your ex make sure that you’ve some support too as it’s incredibly draining trying to help someone through mental health issues. I really hope it works out, it’s a crap position to be in

Thank you both...I'm comforted knowing I'm doing the right thing. I've no desire to remove DS from ax's life permanently...but DS welfare is my only priority. Hope to hear from Solicitor on Monday to enable me to move things forward.