sorry its long! didn't want to drip feed! NC so not outing and a bit embarrassed as I feel silly.
Known DP as friends for long time and now together for a year. He ended things with his ex a while before and later confessed he'd been interested in me since we'd first met. all very romantic. He was quite mean about his ex when they were together (i stood up for her as this didn't seem fair) but now we're together he is very protective of her. She didn't like me much when they were together (now i see that this was understandable, i wasn't aware of his feelings for me during their relationship as we didn't speak much, but she must have had an inkling.) Problem is he won't tell her we're together. He says she's too vulnerable to know about us. She hasn't had an easy life but I think that's a bit unfair on her, especially as they still text regularly, meet up for coffees and she buys him presents. He often doesn't tell me he's doing this which makes me feel a bit weird. I've asked him to be more open about when he's seeing her.
It's nice that he's supportive and helps her but i feel like it's a bit much at times, especially when he's evasive about it. I voiced that I wasn't comfortable with the priority she's taken in our relationship and I'm wondering if my concealment is really for her own benefit only.
Recently I went away for a girls weekend and I found out weeks later he went over to hers late at night to console her while I was away. I don't think he's cheating on me with her but after asking him to be more honest with me it hurt knowing he hid this from me. He says he didn't think it was important, which is his response to other details about his life. He says I'd just get mad if he told me and says I'm irrational for having an issue with this as she needs him. Every time I mention my feelings and that he should consider telling her the truth he gets defensive. I've suggested she might prefer him to be honest as I know I would be, he says I'm mean and want to hurt her feelings.
If we're out he'll drop my hand and step away from me in places he thinks she might be. His friends/fam know we're together so I'm not hidden to anyone else.
One issue is that I think I'm communicating my feelings poorly, I struggle to get my point across properly, he has a habit of interrupting, talking over me and dissecting my opinions (even basic things like my likes/dislikes are an exercise in persuasive debate for him) so I often feel like I haven't fully expressed how i feel or end up questioning myself. Maybe I am the crazy one as he's always dismissive/irritated when i do talk about it and he says I'm too emotional and irrational. I do get upset by things so he may have a point there.
He often speaks to his family about our disagreements and from what he's passed back that they say about me, maybe i am emotionally abusive for getting upset and frustrated with him. I just don't feel like he understands and I don't feel like myself at all. He wants me to visit his family and have a relationship with them but it's a bit awkward now. To make it better I just avoid bringing anything I'm worried about up with him, so he can't pass back anything else that might be negative. I dont want them to think im evil for being wary of the ex/annoyed at their son. He seems to think we're ok now that I've stopped communicating my feelings.
I feel quite lonely sometimes, he's not big on texting/calling me and he doesn't think to be affectionate and I struggle with only really being kissed/hugged when he wants sex. He's very driven and is very focused on his goals. it gets a bit overboard sometimes with him trying to get me live how he sees best, with how to exercise, eat, spend, decorate etc. He says it's because he wants the best for me, quite often they are good suggestions.
He says she isn't more important, she just needs help and I'm being silly. He says he'd never be happy with anyone else and I'm the only one who could make him happy. Ending it seems out of the question, It makes me feel terrible that id destroy his only chance at happiness. He must love me if he says this. Maybe it isnt actually an issue and I really have got this wrong.
Am I wrong to feel uncomfortable about the friendship with the ex? I feel like I'm going a bit mad and I don't trust my own feelings. I'm really confused and need a bit of guidance! Please be honest if you think I'm the unreasonable one!