To pursue or give up?

[edudham]

I hope it's ok to ask for relationship advice on here, I'm not a mum nor expecting to be. I just want any opinions you might have.

There is a guy at work, who over the last year or so has become my best friend. Halfway through this we slept together, it was brilliant, and things returned to normal. Three months later it happens again, and again every couple of weeks or so. We hang out as friends but there is definitely chemistry for something more.

I convince myself this is brilliant for me, i'm a modern woman and this is what modern women do. He is never keen to get rid of me after and we pretty much act 'in love' for 24-48 hours, however after the last few times he talks to me a day or so later saying that he feels the longer this goes on, the more likely we will lose our friendship. He says he's not looking for anything with anyone, and apologises that it happens. He says it's too confusing to work together, be best friends and sleep together. He values our friendship the most.

It's been a while and I've slept with someone since to try and move on. Not great but I felt it helped end things. However since, we're still as good friends as before but I feel there is still this chemistry which now we both ignore. I'm going to give things time and see if it drifts and dissapates, but my gut tells me that we're too good together to give up.

I'm half looking for a new job, and I try to give him space outside of work but he's always happy to spend lots of time together, and still behaves intimately.

Have you any advice on how best to go about this?

Sweetheart, he’s just not that into you. And he wants something else. That’s no reflection on you whatsoever and if you can manage a friends with benefits thing then fine. But if you think it isn’t then get out and cut it dead. You don’t get to be his consolation prize.

If he wanted more, he'd have said so. He ended it. I'd believe what he has said and not look for hidden unsaid meaning. Men just aren't complicated like that most of the time.

You guys are completely right. This was my first time sleeping with someone outside of a relationship and it's my mistake for wanting it to be more. I just needed some strangers' opinions to solidify that, sad as that sounds. I need to stop letting him be intimate with me I think, and perhaps not rely on him as my friend anymore? (The last part was the question).

You seem too vulnerable to be friends with him as the chemistry is mostly on your side. Hard as it is, he probably just got carried away a few times and could not resist a 'free shag'. I'd intensify my efforts to find a new job.

You're going to end up with a broken heart if you keep this FWB situation going.

Thank you for the responses guys. I have only really been able to ask one person for help with this and she’s friend to both him and me, so it’s really helped hearing your opinions. I’ll wind down our friendship and am looking for a new job. Thank you again :)

@edudham Good for you, btw: you’ve sensed this wasn’t right, asked advice and now you’re acting on it. Very wise to wind down your friendship - I’ve never been able to get over someone while still friends with them. The less contact the better. You will get over him (we can all promise you that) and reach a place where he is much less important to you than he is now.

You sound great, btw: you were open to the adventure of what might have been but you have your head screwed on and aren’t going to stay in a situation that doesn’t work for you. The most painful lessons in life are often the most useful - you can take what you’ve learned from this and make it work for you and one day you will look back at this and smile (it’s a cliche but it’s true). Good luck with the job search.

Yeah he’s using you for easy companionship and ‘the girlfriend experience’ and sex now and again, but he doesn’t want to be with you or love you.

Protect yourself and step right back.