Why don’t I want to date this guy

[Ceriane]

Hi, I’ve been completely single for the last few years after being in the wrong relationship and feeling completely trapped for a long time. When it ended I felt free and finally had peace of mind. I was more than happy to just be by myself for the time being, but not forever. My friends however do not stop nagging on about finding me someone. I have had quite a few dates over the last year, but no one I feel like “this is it” and so not carried on seeing them, there was one I really liked but I wasn’t the right person for him and he ended that one. I told myself in 2020 I was going to make a determined effort to find someone. However I’m starting to wonder if this is more to shut people up, get them off my case and achieve a societal norm, I am well into my 30s and a single mum, still never been married. I have trawled dating websites and don’t fancy any of them or really like the idea of meeting up with a stranger. One friend in particular seems to want to push me towards anyone with a pulse and gets angry and says “I don’t understand! It’s not like you’re with anyone else. He likes you. What’s the matter with you? You’ll never find the perfect guy. Your too fussy!” etc. She seems to want to grill/lecture me about my love life every time I see her. She is in a really good long term relationship and I think she is just naive and assumes all men are like her partner. I know they are far from it. Anyway I have been asked out by a guy I haven’t seen since school. He got in touch on Facebook and wanted to meet up where he lives. Miles away from me. I considered it but realised it is difficult for me to get there and back, especially at night. He is now saying that’s fine. He will come and meet me next weekend near to where I live and book a hotel. I don’t know what to think. It seems a bit desperate to travel miles and book yourself into a hotel for a first date with someone you vaguely knew from school. I don’t think I even fancy him. I’m also concerned does he think I will be sharing the hotel with him, cos that’s a big no no for me, on a first date with someone I barely know. I feel a bit cornered. I know I need to be pushing myself a bit more because of my age, but I just don’t want to and can’t explain it. Why do I keep pushing guys away. What if I push all the good ones away. What if I meet the right people all the time but push them away. On top of this I have health issues and anxiety and also gyro problems so I’m really off sex at the minute and they will want that at some point. I just want to be normal! I feel like everyone is on my case about me finding someone and I do want to meet the right person but don’t want to force anything. I’m getting in a right state about this. I should just be relieved someone likes me right?

OMG I could have written this myself! I had the pity that you seem to get when you’re a certain age and especially a single mum, my sister said to me yesterday “you never know, one day when the kids grow up you might finally meet someone” erm who said I want to!! I’m happy on my own and she’s single herself so seems silly coming from her. I’ve been single for 3 years and definitely get the same thing you described from people.

If it's not right for you now, it's not right for you. Nothing to do with anyone else. Don't let this guy travel and spend money on a hotel for himself when you're not interested. Let him know.

It’s ok to be single OP. It’s ok to be single forever if that’s what you end up feeling like doing. Don’t force yourself to do or be something you’re not.

If you want more kids then the considerations are slightly different but even then it’s possible without finding a relationship, if you really want it.

I really feel for you OP, it is easy to feel pressured by people in happy relationships and as a single parent also in my thirties I can understand some of what you say but please do not feel that you have to do this because of what those around you are saying.

I don't think I even fancy him
I feel a bit cornered.
Neither of these statements reflect a good basis for a date let alone a starting point for a potential relationship. You have plenty of time, look after yourself and start dating when it feels natural to you and you feel at ease. Put yourself first.

I should just be relieved someone likes me right?
Absolutely not, there are plenty of people that will like you. I think you need to value yourself and work on gaining some self- confidence before going into any relationship. You are important and should never feel indebted to a person just because they are spending time with you.

There's nothng wrong with being single, in fact it's fantastic.

Don't let anyone make you feel like you have to/ are 'supposed' to be in a relationship or dating.

Only see men if you are into them, and feel comfortable with the idea of seeing them. Best wishes xxx

Thank you so much. You have told me what I needed to hear! From now on I will just be confident being me, live my life and if I fall in love along the way it will be genuine and wonderful and I won’t feel I’m forcing it. I think I felt pressured by my age and societal expectations. More important to be happy and at peace in your mind! I’m open to love but not going to desperately look for it (when I know the only reason I’m doing that is to shut people up, not for me) People can say what they like I’ll just let them whir on. I’m coming off the dating websites as they stress me out and make me miserable. I’ve turned this date down as I think it’s a glorified booty call. I’m going to live my life and if I fall in love along the way, it’s a bonus! My problem is, what to say to shut up the constant single shamers/ pressures. I feel there is more self respect in being the way I am but they just don’t see it that way. Every time I go out the conversation turns to”we’ve got to find Ceri someone for goodness sake! Your too fussy and just want someone with no flaws”. Not even true. Don’t know why she says it.

Very good philosophy OP.
If I got that kind of comment I’d just say with a little smile ‘oh well you know I’d far rather be on my own than put up with most of what women in relationships deal with - haha!’. Then change the subject. If they persist, I’d say ‘nothing wrong with having high standards’ in a fairly firm manner. Anyone who pushes it beyond that isn’t a true friend I’m afraid.

If you are feeling like you don’t want to for whatever reason then that’s OK. Glad you cancelled the date, I’d be weirded out by someone suggesting that, it’s too much pressure on you.
Just enjoy being single, and if someone who you like comes along you won’t hesitate to date them - better to be available in case you do meet someone you like a lot! If not well that’s fine too, don’t put pressure on yourself or let others do it either.

Cancel the date, sounds like you're happy in your own. The right one will turn up when you least expect it

Thank you so much. If I meet someone right for me, I won’t feel stressed and like I’m forcing it. This has dodgy written all over it. I don’t want to put my safety at risk and make myself miserable just to lose the single stigma(as that is all that’s in it for me) I’m very happy with my life and if I meet someone right, that’s just a lovely bonus. If not then fine as it’s only what people think that bothers me. He keeps messaging me and asking “Have I done something wrong?” if I don’t get back straight away. That REALLY puts me off for some reason. Also travelling a long distance and booking yourself into a hotel for a first date with a girl you haven’t seen for over 15 years that you don’t really know at all seems really weird, extreme (and dodgy as I’d put money on it that the idea is to get me drunk and coerce me into staying at the hotel with him is the plan) not what I want at all!

Urgh he sounds creepy and controlling. Avoid him. Red flags waving everywhere with him.

Tell your friends to stop pressuring, lecturing and hounding you. That it's got to the stage where you are dreading seeing them because you know they'll pressure you so much and you hate it. That if they genuinely care about you then they'll listen to what you have to say - which is that you are happy on your own and that IF you decide to date in the future, you'll sort it out yourself. That you aren't 'poor Ceri'. That you aren't broken and in need of fixing and to stop treating you like a project because it's fucking patronising. And that if they don't stop right now then you will have no choice but to take a big step back from all of them.

From now on I will just be confident being me, live my life and if I fall in love along the way it will be genuine and wonderful and I won’t feel I’m forcing it. I think I felt pressured by my age and societal expectations. More important to be happy and at peace in your mind!

Sounds good, and beautifully written. Agree the whole forcing thing and angst and trying to fit myself into an attractive package for dating (for me anyway) is a turn off from the beginning. Just being sweet wonderful you and getting on with things is the best plan

Just tell your friends you're happy and to shut the fuck up.

Thank you so much and so refreshing to hear this type of advice rather than the pressure I’ve been getting. I’m not wrong for thinking the way I do. Coercive men really scare me and trigger my anxiety badly. Doesn’t mean I’m anti love 💕 though.