Why do I feel so low?

[pigdogridesagain]

I have previously posted on here about my mentally abusive ex. He has mentally abused me, cheated on me and made me suicidal for years. I had a complete breakdown last year because while a close relative was dying he got someone else pregnant and completely rubbed my face in it. He kept on harassing me ( 50 missed calls a day, threatening suicide that sort of thing) until I stupidly took him back. Then the girl he got pregnant started to harass me, loads of calls, messages etc. I finally had enough just before Christmas and left him but as usual it followed the same pattern constant harassment and suicide threats! He never keeps his word, is extremely two faced, he has nothing going for him by which I mean he drinks, takes cocaine, sees work as optional etc! I've ended it again and completely blocked him on absolutely everything and to give him his due he's not even bothered contacting me for the 5 days we have been apart.
I know he's not a nice person, he's not worth the tears etc but I feel so lost at the thought that he couldn't care less. I know that he's probably busy telling this woman he wants to be with her even though he's said some absolutely awful things about her to me and others. I just don't understand why I'm not relieved that he's gone and I feel so low without him? How can I miss someone who has been so cruel and vile to me? Why am I jealous of him being with her when I know that he will probably treat her exactly the same way he treated me? I feel so low and worthless. Any advice would be greatly appreciated

I forgot to add I took him back again at Xmas because I'm stupid and I ended things 5 days ago again

Anyone?

Where are you regarding the ex OP?

When did he move out? Is he still harassing you? Did you get any support? Are you having counselling?

He didn't live with me because my kids detest him. I've not spoken to him for 5 days now, the longer it goes on the worse I'm feeling. I just can't understand why I feel so sad and rejected when really I should be happy that this toxic man is leaving me alone. I've had lots of therapy and medication over the last year.

Listen the truth it isn't about you, your looks or personality. It isn't about her either.
It's about what he can get and how others make HIM feel.

You are also use to the pattern of having him around, the comfort and the drama. As much as we can hate it we are use to it. You both also had good times, which you can miss,
But unless your willing to carry on WASTING your time on this earth with this tit it has to stop!

Block block Block. Everything and anyone link to him and Her.
Start doing things differently too, so if the first thing you do when you get up is put the kettle on, get a glass of water first.
You need to focus on you and how you are going to make you happy and strong.

It sound crap but I have been separated 7 weeks from my abuser, and when I ended it I found out a few days later I was pregnant.

I don't check his Socials, he is blocked and the only way he can contact is through email

I have been lonely at times too, heard a song in the car and I burst out crying. Got home and I realised I was alone and then I thought fuck this - don't you dare start self loathing, so I put so it my favourite songs on and danced ( I know sad ) and then I went to bed and watched a film, I totally forgot I missed him.
Also I respected the fact I was alone in the end because i didn't have to deal with anyone's abusive crap.

Op also he isn't leaving you alone for you! He will be back that's for sure maybe a week or 3, my stalker ex took 6.

It's ok you feel bad but you need to live for you and treat this ex like you would a stranger, his life and business isn't yours!

@everybodyshowlove2020

Thankyou for your advice, I hope you are doing ok? Your right I am used to the constant drama, I feel alone and abandoned without it if that makes any sense? I have blocked them both on absolutely everything but we have a lot of mutual friends and I'm constantly scared someone will tell me something that will upset me. Also he lives nearby and he will think nothing of parading her around here, so I'm scared of bumping into them.

It is often a trauma bond. You have become addicted to the highs and lows. It is known that intermittent reinforcement (like a slot machine paying out) causes a level of addiction and it will take time to wean yourself off it.

No contact is the way to go. Check out YouTube videos as lots of help. Keep a list on your phone of all the horrible things he has done or said and look at it often. Write on post it notes "I deserve better".

Time will heal this.

You are at the beginning of all this and even though you go through it many times before you are back at the start.
Block mutual friends that you feel won't respect your pain for now. If you think one with share or show a picture block them.

You need to recover and gain new strength.

He may well do that but fuck him and her, because you know she's not happy and why would you want to be part of that any longer.

This is the hard part though, any communication from either of them from now on needs to be recorded and do not reply unless to say - leave me alone.
If he continues contact the police for harassment.
You need to break the cycle.

I'm good actually I'm bloody great 👍 I don't want to be part of that pain anymore, it's exhausting.
It sound typical, but being single is my choice and until I am able to have a healthy relationship I will not entertain one.
I am part of the blame for the abuse because I allow him at like you for them to get away with it.

@Techway Thankyou for advice, the thing is that I don't think I deserve better. Without sounding like I think I'm better than anyone else this girl is everything I'm not. I'm educated and hardworking, she's barely literate and has hardly worked a day in her life. I have my own home and have raised 4 kids by myself, she still lives with her dad and can barely cope with the one child she has by him. She drinks constantly, I don't! I just think if he prefers all of that then I'm worthless if that makes sense?

@everybodyshowlove2020
I'm glad you are in a better place, it gives me hope for the future. I know I have to take some of the blame for constantly letting him do this to me. It just stops all the hurt and awful feelings even though I know it's only a matter of time until it happens again.

You've been through a lot. Have you been in contact with your local domestic abuse organisation to get some support? Have you looked into the Freedom Programme?

What's happening regarding the harassment? Have you made enquiries into a non molestation order?

He'll probably be back OP. Does he have keys to your place? Have you made enquiries to see if there's a Sanctuary Scheme available through your council?

Have you told your GP about the abuse? It really helps to tell people about it and get support. If you're in some kind of group like the Freedom Programme, you'll have validation from all the other people in the group. It really helps.

As pp have said, it's not love it's trauma bonding and you become addicted to the constant highs and lows of the relationship. It's like giving up smoking, you have to just hang in there and fight the cravings and day by day, it gets better.

Do you have any goals you want to work towards to take your mind of it?

He is the worthless one not you. Simple.

Hi there,
I have had lots of help from Gp etc also signed up for the freedom program. I also kept all messages from both of them in case I need to involve the police. I just feel so hurt and alone when in reality I have very supportive family and friends. I just feel absolutely broken and I don't know what's worse, putting up with the constant mental abuse, cheating and mind games or feeling alone and jealous and worthless! I'm studying at the moment so trying to use that to take my mind off of this but nothing really works. I just can't understand why he treats me the way he does when I would never treat him or anyone else like it.

You need to detox him out of your life and heart.
Like other posters have said you are trauma bonded to him via intermittent reinforcement.

My guess he is cluster b personality disordered: narcissist/psychopath/sociopath
Research them all. He is abusive and he is triangulating you with this other woman.
He is with her because he needs his ego boosting (narcissistic supply).

Please read Lundy Bancroft book: Why does he do that? It tells you all about abusers.

Block and delete him off SM and out of your life. Get rid of photos and any reminders of him, eg presents.

Look at these for relationship advice on YouTube:
Derrick Jaxn
Susan Winter
Alex Cormont
Matthew Hussey

For narcissist advice:
Richard Grannon
Melanie Tonia Evans
Surviving narcissism
Sarah Speaks
Narc survivor

You will ride a real roller coaster of emotions after his abuse.

Just make-sure you raise your boundaries. Remember there is nothing wrong with you..... but there is shitloads wrong with him.

You say 'I just think if he prefers all of that then I'm worthless if that makes sense?'. It makes no sense at all. He is the worthless one, and in her he has found his level. You are way too good for him. And well shot of him. Currently you are experiencing the shock of the wonderful change you have gone through. Give it time, and you will accept the wonderful new normal and emerge even stronger, and happy as well.

OP you've been kicked in the teeth by this man over and over again. You're a human being with feelings and that's why it hurts. You need to separate the fantasy from the reality. Try and look at this objectively.

He cheats, is abusive and takes drugs. This woman has done you a favour by getting rid off him, thank your lucky stars for her.

I know it hurts but you will get over it. You will move on and you'll look back - like everyone does and wonder why you stayed so long.

She's won the prize OP. She's now got a child with a cheating abuser. Don't worry, he won't miraculously change and be a perfect partner. He'll cheat on her and abuse her too. The issue is the unfortunate child being brought into all this.

Work on yourself. Fresh air, exercise, cut down on booze, therapy massage, good food etc Look after your fabulous self. You're going to be ok and you're far, far better out of it.

Thankyou for all your advice and opinions, it really does help to hear another perspective.

If your kids detest him then don't be selfish. Listen to your kids.

You just need to grieve for losing the good bits of the relationship but never take him back. He sounds awful, you've had a lucky escape. Spend time with friends and forget about men for a while