Moving into partner’s family home

[NewBrideToBe]

Have NCd for this thread.

We don’t currently live together but have been talking about it for some time.

We normally spend most of our time together at mine. I go to his for Christmas and other family occasions. He has 4 adult children and I have 2. Everyone gets on ok although one of his daughters doesn’t like me. After trying for a long time to gradually win her trust and forge a friendship I have accepted that polite frostiness from her is the best I’ll get.

DP and I are discussing marriage and where we would live. He wants me to move in with him which on the surface would make sense as it is a lot bigger than mine. However I really don’t like the idea of moving into what was his marital home. His ex and mother of children is still a big part of his life and I get on with her for the sake of DP and his children/grandchildren. But when she is around in his house I feel like they are still married and I am a spare part in the home they built together as a family.

The reason he kept the house was because the youngest 2 were still school age when she had an affair and left to be with OM. They decided that it made sense for him to buy her out so that the children had as little upheaval as possible.

He has brought up the subject of selling the house with the children and it was met with great objection, unsurprisingly in particular from the daughter that doesn’t like me.

DP is torn and is now reluctant to sell. I would like a fresh start though and make our own home together.

I wouldn’t go as far as to say it’s a dealbreaker but we are at stalemate.

If anyone has experience of this I’d be grateful for any advice. TIA

Tread carefully moneywise. If you sell your house and things fall apart in a few years after living at his then, since house prices are likely to rise over time, you might find you are priced out of the market. Are his kids worried about "their" inheritance? You may need to make sure you ring fence money/property for the DC especially if you get married.

What happens to your house if you do this OP? It seems very risky for you.

I wouldn't do it. I'd want a home of our own that his DC couldn't just walk in to. Somewhere I could put my own stamp on without his DC moaning about you changing things. The fact your DPs DD doesn't like you much would make this a necessity for me as she has the potential to derail things.

If you decide to move in to his OP, keep your own place (maybe rent it out) so you have somewhere to escape back to if this all falls apart.

Get a new place together, DH moved into my place, were I'd lived single, we redecorated etc, but didn't feel like we had our home until we bought a new place together. We'd been together seven years when got joint place.

The children will resent it. And they will hate every change you make.

You either both sell up, buy new and ringfence what you put in for your children (with lifetime occupation for each partner)

Or you both stay put.

I'm not sure that you would ever feel as if it was your home, it will always be HIS house and HIS children's home. If you do decide to move in then would your children be moving in with you? How would he feel about that? If none of the children are moving in then why do you need a bigger place than yours? If I were you I would rent your home out so you always a) have somewhere to go back to if relationship breaks down and b) it protects your assets

I moved into the house DH lived in with his ex, temporarily. It was always a compromise.
Eight years later I moved out, alone. He was also “slow to change” or to put it another way, set in his ways. His wants and needs were always the most important.
I wouldn’t risk it OP.