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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can’t forgive DH for picking a fight at my mothers funeral

48 replies

RoxytheRexy · 14/02/2020 12:39

This time last year we were driving home from my mother’s funeral. A city in the north to a city in the south west, roughly 4 hours. Obviously it had been a very difficult day. I was cremating my mother, I was 8 weeks post partum following a c-section that needed an extra wide incision. My wound had opened up the night before and I had had to redress it myself with some dressing I had at home.

My husband picked a massive fight over the childcare arrangements and didn’t bring any smart clothes with him. It was awful. My entire family were there and I cried in the funeral car on the way to the crematorium.

I just can’t forgive him for this. And it being a year on just makes me realise this. I just can’t get past this.

I’m pretty confident it’s over but we have 2 small children and it will be so hard to untangle everything

OP posts:

Bagofoldbones · 14/02/2020 14:03

Roxy you can’t get over it because he has wounded you deeply at a point he should have been picking you up and carrying you.

I had an ex like this. If I was at a point of crisis he would act like a brattish child.

My beloved DHF (who raised me) passed unexpectedly and whilst I was running round the house getting my things together to get to my DGM I found my ex weeping in the kitchen. I asked if he was ok and he replied that - he knew I would never come back and stay and look after grandmother’ .. I ended up hugging him and assuring him I would be back when I left the house and was driving away he was stood at the door crying.

No thought for my grandmother or me that we’d just lost an amazing human being. Just himself with his weird notion.

He was selfish and immature and so Is your dh.

So selfish he didn’t let you grieve properly for your own mother and making her funeral about him.

I would be able to get passed that either.

I’m surprised your sisters are not pulling him to task over shit stirring between you either

What would you do if your dh was not here. Didn’t exist. How would you manage child care then?

Would you reduce your hours?
Would you speak to your manager about only doing school hours?
Would you look for a job you could Manage with child care?
Would you apply for Benefits to see what you would get if you reduced hours?
Would you go to the job center as a single parent and ask them what the can offer with work benefits and child care?

There is lots of things you can do. It all looks a mess at the moment because you feel trapped and grieving over your mother - but thousands of women find a way.

I’m really annoyed on your behalf

pallisers · 14/02/2020 14:11

You can't forgive him because he hasn't asked to be forgiven. Why would you forgive someone who isn't even sorry?

For what it is worth, my guess is he threw that strop because he wasn't the centre of attention. For just a moment the spotlight might reasonably have been expected to be on new as a woman recovering from a c-section and dealing with her mother's death. he couldn't stand that.

I don't think I could ever respect or care for someone who did that and thought he was justified.

Don't buy the new house. Start thinking about how you could manage on your own.

dontgobaconmyheart · 14/02/2020 14:16

Sorry for the loss of your mother

Firstly, you don't have to get over it OP, he has not been there for you at your lowest and actually seems to have been making it as hard as possible for YOU, as though he resents you for something? Is it that the attention is not on him, is he always like this when your attention isn't focused on him? Was he like it when you had your first DC? Was that a c-section?

Not your responsibility to buy an adult man clothes, and again looks like he acted out to punish you there. Very concerning that he won't apologise and is making up lies that everyone agrees essentially he is right and you are a lunatic. These are huge red flags OP. I'd call my sister and ask about it.

Really livid for you to be honest but mainly concerned. I imagine you have very little to give with so much going on but this isnt normal, don't give in and have it become normal. As I said, don't try to forgive when you dont have to, he not only is not sorry but continues to stamp all over you with the house issue. Say no and separate, is what I would honestly do.

PicsInRed · 14/02/2020 14:17

He really wants to move house, Max our finances and get a proper dream home.

He wants to financially trap you.

Your night shifts are a block to divorce only if you want them to be. You'll shift to days or you'll work in a different area of nursing. Plenty of women in nursing have children and do not have husbands. It would be hard, but you'd make it work.

Imagine he died. You'd make it work, wouldn't you? Because you'd just have to.

QueenofallIsee · 14/02/2020 14:19

Leave him. He is a selfish horrible man child and you deserve so much better

mcmooberry · 14/02/2020 14:30

Could he have been anxious about leaving an 8 week old baby for that length of time?

TheOrigBrave · 14/02/2020 14:30

I can empathise OP and I'm so sorry.

At both my parents' funerals, my ex had to make it about him. I knew it was all part of the emotional abuse, but wasn't ready to face it head on so just did as I always did and Got On With Things.

There are many, many things I have dealt with and moved on from or am free from, but some things will remain with me for ever, and that's one of them.

Do you see a long term future?

FetchezLaVache · 14/02/2020 14:31

@pallisers has it - you can't forgive someone who's not sorry, therefore you can't move forward together. I think part of the reason you're so reluctant to go for the forever home is because deep down, you know that he's not part of your forever. Good luck, lovely.

SunshineCake · 14/02/2020 14:32

If he had said sorry would that have helped to then start a reasonable conversation ?

TheQueef · 14/02/2020 14:34

Sorry for your loss Roxy
Adding my voice to the others, unforgivable for him to try and dump this on you.

HollowTalk · 14/02/2020 14:39

And is he planning to use any of your mum's money to fund this new lifestyle of his?

RantyAnty · 14/02/2020 14:42

So very sorry Roxy.

You've had a good year to think about it and I agree there is no way to come back from this.
My xH did something unforgivable when I was at my mother's funeral.

See a solicitor and get your finances sorted. And to hell with him wanting to spend your inheritance on a fancy expensive house.

Are there other areas of nursing you could work in? a doctor's practice? or administrative? that would give you day time hours.

LannieDuck · 14/02/2020 19:01

Has he explained why he thought it was your job to buy his suit? I can't get my head around that.

Aminuts23 · 14/02/2020 19:15

My ex used to do things like this OP. I look back now and I’m angry with myself for staying so long. If in your heart it’s over then there’s no going back. I expect his cruel, selfish behaviour at this time you needed him the most has killed the love. It did for me. I was mulling my decision over for months before I committed to it. I’d say start making your plans. And definitely don’t buy the house. You’ll be trapped then for years. Stick to your guns on that. Good luck

MummyOfBoyAndGirl · 14/02/2020 20:26

I'm sorry for your loss.

He sounds incredibly uncaring.

EKGEMS · 14/02/2020 21:53

I'd have bought him a brand new suit then lowered his corpse into it

Eesha · 15/02/2020 08:07

Perhaps this was the straw which has broken the camel's back, to make you rethink whether he is worth being with.

Dozer · 15/02/2020 08:28

That sounds awful.

Do NOT buy the bigger house.

Get legal advice.

Seek a new job with day shifts only.

Fannia · 15/02/2020 08:41

At this point you are only staying with him for the childcare that's not a very good marriage.

thefourgp · 15/02/2020 08:42

Your husband sounds just like my ex. When I had heavy bleeding and thought I was having a miscarriage he suddenly developed shoulder pain so he ‘couldn’t take care of me, our toddler or our home’. My late father had a severe stroke and I was my own dealing with it. I totally agree that divorce is an investment in the rest of your life. He was never sorry either. You’ve got some good advice from others. He won’t change. You deserve a better life.

TheStuffedPenguin · 15/02/2020 09:26

You seem to have a load of issues mixed up together here - having a child, having a C section, losing your mother ( why were you doing everything for the funeral when you have sisters ?) and then your husband not having the right clothes for a funeral ......All of these apart from the clothes are major stressors ...plus your working . You sound overwhelmed and I wonder whether things have escalated due to all of this ? Have you had a chance to talk to a counsellor about all of this ?

Fretfulparent · 15/02/2020 09:45

If you could work different shifts would you still be with him?

Could you consider changing roles eg practice nurse/outpatients/school nursing etc

Muckycat · 15/02/2020 10:14

Sorry about your mum.

Even if I could move on from a horrifically timed argument with a heartfelt apology, I couldn't move on from the lies and gaslighting (re your sisters' agreement), the pathetic behaviour about his suit in your hour of need and dismissing your feelings now.

You're in a strong position to leave as you are in a good job and an affordable house. I came on to suggest applying for less shift based nursing work- schools/ district/ practice nursing etc- but see that FretfulParent beat me to it!

Even if you have to bide your time a bit, keep shutting down the 'dream home' nonsense and good luck

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