Would you settle?

[outlinedinwhite]

And when I say settle, I mean commit to a (hopefully) forever after relationship with someone. Kids, houses the whole shebang.

I trust him complicity, am able to live with, have good sex with and we have fun. He's very good to me.

We would have a good life together. But he's the classic nice guy. My feelings towards him sway between partner and brother.

I've been through a lot of trauma which effects my thinking re relationships.

Don't settle. It's not good for either of you.

I would keep up the therapy, really engage with it, and see how things go, op.

There is no reason you have to decide right now that this is it, this is the guy, this is your life. You still have time on your side, give it six months to a year. See how you feel.

@Techway It wasn't that long ago. Last year. I'm wary of giving a month due to this all being a bit outing. I know there's treatment, I'm in the process, but brains cannot be wiped! I'm doing okay though. I've got my shit half together and am now putting my makeup on every day. New job. The future looks positive.

He's always been my safe person. Even before that event.

And yes, I think you're completely right re the drama, every relationship I've had bar my first boyfriend there has been serious drama/trauma.

He's said he understands and is willing to wait...... problem is we keep having sex and it's getting a bit coupley rather than friends or FWB. I actually live with him too.

I think settling maybe isn't the right term.. I dunno.

@user764329056 this is exactly what I do not want. He's too good for that.

Do you have to decide now? If you enjoy being with him, then carry on with what you're doing and see how it develops.

Could you be emotionally unavailable and therefore are only interested in men who you know aren't available? ( despite me thinking that I am very available, I've realised that I always want something until I get it. So I think I'm emotionally unavailable)

But what's wrong with being a bit couple-y? You can be in a relationship without it having to be serious and forever.

It sounds like a good solid foundation for a brilliant long lasting, strong relationship. I also don't think that's settling and I think you only feel that way because of your history of friendship with him.

However, reading your updates (I am so sorry, what you have been through is truly traumatic) I think you need to focus on you for a while longer and maintain the friendship, I'm not sure you're entirely ready to be with someone yet.

Talk to him, let him know how you feel, if he's really how you describe in your op, I think he'll understand.

@outlinedinwhite, I didn't mean to sound unsympathetic .I am having therapy for PTSD so just wanted to make sure you knew you don't have to tolerate it.

A year is no time so I don't think you need to make decisions yet. It is possible you want to push him away as getting close risks more hurt so it could be a protective measure...however I still advocate listening to your instinct. Even of you can "name" the feelings it is worth listening.

Are you confusing sexual attraction with traumatic high drama?

Nailed it.

brains cannot be wiped!

Maybe not as such, but EMDR is really good. The memories don't recur as much, or have as much of a traumatic effect. It's one of only 2 evidence based therapies for PTSD really. Would recommend.

Ignore those PP's who are judging you for wondering what else is out there. If that's how you feel then that's how you feel. I think if you're feeling that you shouldn't settle yet.

@OhWellThatsJustGreat that's what I think too. I think if I met him down the pub at the weekend I would have a very different thought process around this, I'd be completely sold.

We have spoken about it. He's under no illusions. He's said he's happy to just carry on as we are, just "friends", for the next 2 years if needed (I asked for a time frame that he felt comfortable with and there's the added complication that I moved in with him after my partners death). If it doesn't work out with us I can still live here for that time frame, but obviously it would be awkward as hell.

@category12 I know but I want forever after and I know he does too! I don't want to waste his time. Also it feels weird. Friends who cuddle on the sofa and shag... but cook separate dinners.

@Techway you didn't, don't worry. I hope I'll get better and it won't be so consuming, I'm sure it won't, it's improved since the day it happened I guess I just need time and a bit of help. I hope therapy is helping you

He was there for you after the traumatic loss of your partner. He’s been caring for you while you process your shock and grief, so you are caught between gratitude and it not feeling quite ‘right’ because you aren’t yet ready to fully be with anyone. He sounds a lovely person, so do you. If this is ultimately not the right time, ‘settling’ isn’t right either.

I know but I want forever after and I know he does too!
But it seems to me that you're not really ready for that, and I doubt you would be with anybody right now.

I know uncertainty is difficult, but taking your time and not trying to label things and not trying to fast-forward to the End Goal would seem the best way for now.

You have stuff to deal with.
He's willing to give you time.
I'd just enjoy it for what it is for a bit (I think 2 years is too long, but a year - and moving out plan if it's not feeling right then).

I wouldnt ever choose a partner just because I wanted children, it’s not fair on them and the chances of it lasting aren’t likely good.

What is traumatic high drama