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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling like it meant nothing

14 replies

Nofoolfornoone · 13/02/2020 21:45

I was with my ex husband for 12 years. We separated and I’ve recently found out he met someone new within a month who he’s now been with for two years. To me 12 years was a huge part of my life, he was/is the love of my life and I feel so hurt that I’ve been so easily replaced. I’m not dating as I’m not over that loss yet. But he’s just replaced me like I meant nothing

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/02/2020 21:47

Don't you suspect a crossover ?

rvby · 13/02/2020 22:16

OP I met my now partner 3 weeks after my marriage broke down. It just happens like that sometimes. It's not that my exh meant nothing - it's that I am the kind of person who gets over things by being around other people, including romantically.

I'm not really sure there is such thing as a love of one's life - it's just that at this stage of your life, no one has surpassed your exh yet. That's not a sign that no one ever will.

It's been two years - how has your grief over the relationship progressed over that time? Do you feel you have a sense of perspective on it, or that it's better/worse that at first? Sending you love x

iPlod1 · 14/02/2020 10:36

OP - I met my DP only 2 months after my exh left me. It really wasn’t that my exh meant nothing, and in fact at first I didn’t want the marriage to end. But if I’m being really honest with myself, although I loved him, I didn’t love him as much as I should.

I was still shocked about how quickly I moved on. But I think I just didn’t realise how much more I could love someone until I met my DP. My marriage hadn’t been bad, but DP showed me how much better a relationship could be than I had previously thought.

If your exh really was the love of your life then he wouldn’t have been able to forget about you within 4 weeks.

I’m so sorry. To still feel like this after 2 years is awful, and it seems like you might have got a bit ‘stuck’ in the grieving process. I know this can happen sometimes after a break up. Have you tried counselling? X

ALittleBitConfused1 · 14/02/2020 11:00

We live in a replaceable world op and it seems that God for people too.
I'm very much in the camp of getting over something before I move onto something new but it does seem I'm in the minority with this attitude.
Ive used OLD on and off and I've come across loads off blokes that are newly single out of LTR, I avoid them at all costs. The break up of relationships always bring drama of some type, theres a transition period and issues to navigate that's not something I'm interested in being involved in.
I find men that are unable to cope with being single for longer than five minutes really unattractive . I tend emotional strength and Independence very attractive.
I've been through breakups, as we all have, and I do think that while it's hard to adjust to being single and heartbreak is the most awful feeling but I do think its important not to mask it. You've got to go through it to learn and grow.
I've seen some of my friends come out of really long relationships and within weeks they're with someone else and they wonder why life is so stressful.

Original poster

Nofoolfornoone · 15/02/2020 21:30

I had counselling when we first separated for about 6 months and it really helped. I thibk problem is for almost 18 months I wasn’t aware he was seeing someone, we would be friendly and meet for dinner etc and then I found out he was seeing someone and had been for the whole time so it’s been like another grief. Obviously Itd fine he has moved on and he doesn’t have to tell me about his new life but it was a shock as I had always felt like he would have got back together with me. But now it’s like I don’t know who he is or was. So I think it’s just another adjustment. Maybe I need more counselling

OP posts:

iPlod1 · 16/02/2020 12:05

I can understand that’s a shock. It’s awful when you realise that you’ve been more invested in the relationship than they have. I’m so sorry. Hopefully counselling will help you come to terms with this X

Ididit2019 · 16/02/2020 15:37

I think it is quite typical for men to move on very quickly after relationship breakdowns. They actively seek and fill the void by being in a relationship very quickly.

Patch23042 · 16/02/2020 15:45

Some people are like this OP. It doesn’t mean that you’re unimportant. My friend met her second husband within two weeks of her first husband moving out. I actually introduced them (I was not expecting romance, but it’s nice that it occurred). She loved her first husband, genuinely.

Eesha · 16/02/2020 15:50

My ex met two women within a month of so of our relationship ending, both infatuated with him and one staying with him for a year. I was really devastated at the time but actually I think some people can't be alone and just dive straight into something new. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But I don't think it detracts from what you had together. I've been single for two years since our split, I struggled to meet anyone but I don't think I was ready at the time.

Newmum2000 · 16/02/2020 18:22

The same thing happened to me with my Ex. He moved on to someone else within weeks (not sure how many). It’s not that I wanted to be with him anymore, but it still hurt that he was able to move on so quickly and I couldn’t help but compare our relationship to theirs. We didn’t move in together for 4 years and he took 8 years to propose to me, but he had children with her after being together for less than 3 years. I found it a lot easier not to know in the end. I didn’t want to hear about them getting married. It’s funny I hadn’t thought about it in a while, but even now it still stings a bit. It does get so much better in time though. You are not alone OP

Original poster

Nofoolfornoone · 16/02/2020 18:54

Thank you @newmum2000 . It helps to know it’s not just me. So similar, my exh took 4 years for him to want to live together and 7 to get married and 9 years to be ready for children. After 2 years with her he’s asked her to move in to the house we chose together and talked about having children. It’s heart breaking

OP posts:

RandomMess · 16/02/2020 18:59

Sadly I think you weren't "the one" for him

Newmum2000 · 16/02/2020 21:53

Sorry! I didn’t mean to sound negative btw. The good news is that I’m now happily remarried with a baby myself. This was a few years ago for me, but reading your post just brought back some memories!

I would ask yourself though, is it helping you to know these things about his new relationship? Things got a lot easier for me when I cut ties with my ex (although we didn’t have children, so I appreciate that was a lot easier for me). It was not long after this that I met my DH, in a way, I think it pushed me to move forward and find the right relationship for me. Like I said, things do get better!

Original poster

Nofoolfornoone · 16/02/2020 22:05

We don’t have children either, we had failed ivf in the end.
I think you are right, we’ve had no contact for a few weeks so I will no longer know anything which will be easier. And I think that’s what’s made me start to grieve again as he’s out my life I can now miss him and be sad. I thibk it’s also the grief for the life I no longer have - we got married and bought a home planning a large family and our whole lives together and it all fell apart. So now we have no contact the grief has started.

I’m glad it’s all worked out positively for you, I hope to be the same. Thanks again for your message it really helped.

OP posts:

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