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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Gulp - separating from narcissistic H - handhold please

20 replies

AbsoluteConfusion · 13/02/2020 19:44

Posted about my narcissistic STBXH here a few months ago.

Lots has happened since then, but to cut a long story short, he's dragged his feet about leaving and has been extremely difficult. But after multiple sessions of mediation, he's agreed to leave at the end of the month.

He's sunk to the deepest depths of appalling behaviour over the last few months and showed his true colours during the mediation, changing his mind at each session, demanding more and more with each negotiation, questioning and doubting the mediator, playing the victim card, accusing me of all sorts, and generally behaving despicably. Every time I think he's reached a new low, he amazes me by sinking even further.

Nonetheless, we are coming to an agreement, basically because I've capitulated to many of his ridiculous financial demands as it's the only way I can set myself free. (I'm the main breadwinner and have been for years - he's rendered himself virtually unemployable through a series of foolish career - or non-career - choices)

Anyway... we are going to tell the children (8 and 11) this weekend. I am holding it together - just. I'm still insanely angry with him but haven't let it show at all. The kids have realised something is up but not the extent of it. We are still civil and polite to each other when the kids are around.

But we'll be switching to a 50:50 childcare model and it's going to be a huge change for the children. I strongly believe they shouldn't be exposed to our problems so am keeping the anger inside, but it's very hard when H keeps pulling dirty trick after dirty trick.

I guess I'm just asking for a hand hold while we get through this difficult week. I'm devastated to be bringing their world crashing down, but I know it has to be done, as this marriage is not healthy for anybody.

Dear people of mumsnet, help me stay strong!

OP posts:
YellowBeryl · 13/02/2020 19:50

Not wanting to read and run. Wishing you and your DC strength Flowers

AMALDO · 13/02/2020 22:32

Stay strong OP. There's light at the end of the tunnel Flowers

OhioOhioOhio · 13/02/2020 22:34

Life is so much better on the other side.

MakeMineALargeProsecco · 13/02/2020 23:09

Ah, a covert narcissist- aren't they just lovely?

Am currently going through a separation with one too, and recognise so many of the behaviours you have described in both your threads. Textbook stuff.

Good luck, sending solidarity & CakeBrew

cheesycrisps · 13/02/2020 23:13

It will be vile while it’s happening but totally worth it. I’m 2 years separated from a 20 year relationship with a narcissist, living in my own and loving it ☺️

Be strong and don’t let him sway you with distractions, stay on your chosen path not his

violetbunny · 13/02/2020 23:59

I think you need to step away from mediation and get yourself a lawyer. You can't reason with someone like this. He will use every opportunity he can to make your life hell.

LettyFisher · 14/02/2020 05:40

agree, mediation isn't suitable for an abusive relationship.

And there was a thread on here a while ago about how you can't co-parent with a narcissist , you have to parallel parent. If he's truly a narc, you need to detach yourself as much as possible - grey rock etc

And good luck for this week - you know, if it's a really crap relationship, your children willl be aware on some level, and you won't be bringing their world down. You'll be improving it.

AbsoluteConfusion · 14/02/2020 06:00

Thank you so much and big hugs to those of you going through similar.

It's astounding just how many narcissistic folk are out there! I keep spitting them all over the place now...

As for the mediation, we have actually reached the end and have everything in an agreement ready to be signed next week.

I'm not in the UK so I'm not sure of procedures there, but this then forms the legal basis for the separation.

I've given in to a lot (financially) but to be honest it's a conscious choice I made so as to preserve my sanity. (The conflict was wearing me down to the point that I couldn't eat or sleep.) I'm in a fortunate position to have a well paid job and I've not committed to anything I cannot afford, at least.

The hardest part has been getting him to agree to move out. But I've seen his new lease and it's definitely signed.

It's so helpful to hear from others who have been through this. I cannot wait for my new life to start...

Thanks again.

OP posts:
AbsoluteConfusion · 14/02/2020 06:01

Spitting => spotting

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MakeMineALargeProsecco · 14/02/2020 07:21

That's great OP, now you can start to recover & move on with your life.

I don't think there's a happy way to live with someone who has narcissistic traits, unless you totally sacrifice yourself & your own needs, which is clearly unhealthy.

One of my reasons for ending things too is that I don't want my children growing up with a dysfunctional relationship as a role model.

You are doing great OP, keep going.

AbsoluteConfusion · 14/02/2020 08:13

Yes, that's exactly it. I have to keep reminding myself that this is best for all of us, children included, even though it will be hard for them. But I also hope that the reality of a relaxed and happy home will help them too.

OP posts:
AbsoluteConfusion · 15/02/2020 16:09

Gearing up to tell the kids...

Can't help feeling terrible as I watch them playing happily and chattering around the house. I know this is the right thing to do... but I feel so cruel to have to do it.

And yet I know that the fear of doing this very thing is what keeps people in unhappy relationships for years.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 15/02/2020 16:22

Good luck. We”re here for handholds when you need it. I hope he goes without being a twat.

willowmelangell · 15/02/2020 16:36

Sending you hugs and a hand hold @AbsoluteConfusion
I am so glad you have seen the signed forms and can start to believe the separation is a fact.
You are not cruel. You are strongly committed to the best possible choice you could make.

I am really hoping you have a legal support to hammer out explicit details of shared parenting. Too often I have read on MN how school uniform and swimming kit or pick up and drop off timings and traveling distances become yet another excuse for the narc to bully and control the mum who dared to end the adult relationship.
Sending you virtual love, support and strength.

BuffaloCauliflower · 15/02/2020 16:42

Handhold here Flowers you’re doing the right thing and the kids will be fine

AbsoluteConfusion · 15/02/2020 17:50

Thank you.
@willowmelangell yes, fortunately the details are all in the agreement, very clearly stated including all drop-offs and pickups, holidays, etc. Just hope he doesn't reneg on something now.

OP posts:
Sheddingskins · 16/02/2020 09:52

Hi @AbsoluteConfusion, I have read your thread from June and we seem to be living parallel lives. I told DH I wanted to separate middle of last year, and it has been a tough old road to get to this point. We are 50:50 parenting, but he refused to move out so are 'nesting'.
I am the main breadwinner, as he is self-employed but can't seem to knuckle down and make any money. Has been like that for about 8 years now.
Like your DH, mine is narcissistic and controlling, and I left because of his ranting and high-handed behaviour with me and the kids, who were being damaged by his angry and negative outbursts and sulking, and because I could not do the tension and the eggshell dancing any longer. The relationship had simply run its course and I was going under MH wise.
We have not formalised anything yet, and I am looking into how we might do that to enable us to move forward prior to a 2 year separation-based divorce (and in the hope that the no fault legislation finally gets parliamentary time).
How did it go with the DCs yesterday? My DCs took it relatively well, all things considered, youngest is 10. But it was one of the most harrowing and deeply saddening things I have had to do. I was in such a state of anxiety for weeks before and after. And I know that when I tell them that there is no going back, they will be so upset. It's very hard to press on when you know you are causing them pain and anxiety. I hope you are ok.

AbsoluteConfusion · 16/02/2020 14:20

@Sheddingskins, thanks for your post. Your situation does sound similar. It's such a rollercoaster isn't it!

We just told the kids and after the inevitable tears and hugs and disbelief they have already shown remarkable resilience and are trying hard to understand and look on the bright side. I know that doesn't mean it's not terribly sad for them but I feel hopeful.

H is in the same page as me for this stuff at least...

So another hurdle crossed.

OP posts:
combatbarbie · 16/02/2020 14:23

Op this is great news and I wish you well going forward. Can I ask what you have had to negotiate financially.... I completely get you just want rid, however I hope he is not screwing you over. His choices are his to deal with.... You shouldn't IMHO sacrifice anything.

AbsoluteConfusion · 16/02/2020 15:25

@combatbarbie I agreed to help with his rent for a fixed period (clearly defined) and to contribute to his moving costs as well as covering most of the children's expenses (which will be covered through an allowance I get through my work). It'll be a bit tight for a few months but then OK.

I am buying him out of the house at a good rate and am not trying to claw back any additional money that I might be entitled to from the house. This is because I know that if we fight it through the courts he won't get as much, and he knows that too. I want to dissuade him from taking that route. I absolutely do not want a legal battle. This way it will be paid and done and dusted. I need to move on. And there's a lot to be said for staying "amicable" as far as we can.

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