I started writing this to post in the Parenting section and then as I typed I realised it sounded far more like something I'd see in Relationships between adults.
Y6 DD made friends with a new girl at her school in September. The other girl moved here after apparently being badly bullied at another school. DD is friendly and sociable and has lots of friends in school, from out of school activities, and other places.
The other girl was a bit too clingy with my daughter from the start but I assumed this was temporary while she was getting used to the new school and that she would make other friends in time. From DD and other kids I heard that this child often burst into tears at school when anyone disagreed with her or criticised anything she said. They would then either get into trouble with the teachers for upsetting her or spend their whole playtime trying to coax her out of the toilet.
As time went on, things started to escalate. This girl began to accuse DD of not being her friend and hating her if DD chose to play with other children. She would sulk for entire days, and leave DD asking her constantly what was wrong, eventually admitting that it was because DD spoke too much with someone else or something similar. She said to DD that best friends always have lots of arguments and that you can only have one best friend.
I have obviously told DD that this is crap and she says she knew this anyway. At the same time, she had begun to come home from school very down and unhappy and this obviously sparked some serious discussions. She knows perfectly well that she can have as many friends or best friends as she likes, that she is not accountable to any of them for who else she speaks to or plays with, and that people who sulk should just be left to get on with it.
I'm not a parent who often goes into the school but I spoke to the deputy head before christmas about this child's behaviour and explained how it was upsetting DD. She thought that it was probably due to the child's negative experience at the previous school. A teacher who doubles as a counsellor then held a session for DD and her friend to explain key points about friendship and reasonable behaviour and make sure they were understood. The girl apparently accepted all this and I hoped we could move on.
DD appeared to take my advice, has continued to play with her other friends too, and has been learning to walk away if this child starts sulking or making melodramatic statements.
In the meantime DD met someone at a sports club who previously went to school with this child and has cast doubt on her stories of why she left. The sports friend was aware of issues with this child's odd behaviour but surprised to hear about bullying.
Then, things escalated with DD's birthday party where this girl was one of a number of children attending. Her behaviour was poor from start to finish throughout the activities and meal. She was sulky, moody, ignored the other children half the time and tried to start arguments or make herself cry the rest of the time. When asked if she was upset or ill, she just kept saying she was fine in a passive aggressive way which took me very close to calling her mother to collect her child early.
We had one child from the party staying overnight afterwards, a girl who lives a bit further away, and whom we've known since she was a baby. The next morning DD and her sleepover friend brought DD's phone downstairs to show me messages from the sulky schoolfriend on WhatsApp. (A condition of DD having a phone at this age is that she's OK with me monitoring messages and calls. I rarely comment or intervene on normal chatter and I'm glad she's open with me. )
It appears that the trigger for the sulky friend's bad behaviour at the birthday party was that she was not the one invited to sleep over. She was angry and resentful and now sending nasty messages to both DD and sleepover friend accusing them of being liars and betraying her etc.. all in the biggest shared group for their class. She wanted a big formal apology (for something) and started making comments about DD not really being a girl (?!) and other random playground insults.
DD sent a few polite and sensible replies, including inviting her to have a proper private conversation about whatever was bothering her. She just carried on and this is where DD brought me the phone. She had already screenshotted the messages too.
I immediately removed DD from the WhatsApp group and sent a short message to this child reminding her that I both monitor DD's messages and speak to other parents. Then I contacted her mother and told her everything that had happened. The child had already deleted lots of messages but DD had them all.
I understand that the girl's phone has been taken away and permanently replaced with an old brick-type. She has apologised at school. At the same time, she has also gone into another sulk because DD is doing a shared school project with another child. I heard that she was so nasty to this other classmate yesterday that the classmate's mother plans to be in touch with the school.
This girl's mum seems very nice but very stressed. Other siblings seem perfectly normal. I haven't met the step-father or father.
I'm sorry for this child and think she needs some professional counselling or other help. But right now I'm far more concerned about DD and keen for her to cut links as far as possible. DD is just a very normal happy kid kid who likes to play and have fun with friends. I don't see any benefit to her from this weird, over-intense and increasingly obsessive "friendship". I don't want any more joint counselling sessions in school either - they're not in a relationship and this shouldn't be made into DD's problem.
This child will not be invited to anything else with DD in future, and isn't invited to the house under any circumstances. DD didn't argue at all with this. I think she was relieved. She also knows that if the child tries to invite herself round casually after school (yes, she's done that in earlier days), DD is to say that my rule is that all playdates have to be arranged through parents.
I still have a niggling worry at the back of my mind that this child may not let go of DD so easily. I don't know what she will do next.
Has anyone else experienced anything like this with their DC? How did it end? WWYD if you were in my shoes?