So tired of ex and being divorced

[mynamechangemyrules]

My divorce is complete as of December 2019. I divorced him as he was emotionally abusive to me for years and then to the children which is what pushed me to do it.

My children are all under 9 (3 DCs).

I work full time and the children live with me.

My ex husband contributes 20% towards the total children's costs and this would be less if you allow for school fees which are paid by my employer.

ExH will only see one child at a time. Obviously this disrupts the whole week. He adds to his time as cancels at Will. Changes I make are deemed to be 'blocking him' and 'trying to alienate him' (I never block him and the only example I can think of to give you is dropping DC2 late on an access evening due to his cubs event.) Access nights are 5.30pm-7.30am. I am expected to feed them before they go and have a bag packed for them. Then at drop off the following morning I have lunchboxes done and school bags packed (not relevant for youngest, but still..)

I get at least one abusive message or email a day. Everything is a fucking fight.

I don't even know why I'm posting. I'm so tired of it.

Everyone else, dear and lovely friends and family who have given so much to support me, don't get it. 'Stop replying to him' 'Just tell him to fuck off' 'Just ignore him and do what you want'
But he threatens court/ changing care and control/ withholding of payment (he only pay on receipt of invoices and receipts simultaneously anyway, and only within a month of them being paid, so basically never)

I know I should 'Grey rock' and I do reply the blandest way I can 'noted' or a yes/ no answer, but the stress!!! The constant unending stress!!! Fucking hell its knackering and I just think, what a waste of 2 years and thousands of dollars. I'm still in the exact same situation- bullied and controlled- and this is how it will be forever.

I also sort of kind of still 'fancy' him. (not jealousy!) He's awful but I know I will never be with another man that I fancied like that and I look at the dating pool in my country of residence and feel nostalgia for being with someone I really lusted after.

I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know why I did this. I can't handle how the stress has affected my relationship with my children.

Ffs, go to court.

Get proper access put down by the court.

I’d stop access until then.

I’ve not been in your situation but have read threads from similar people in your position. The questions that is always asked if whether or not contact has been agreed within the courts? If not, given the circumstances, that’s what I would do via a solicitor and then you have something to turn to when he doesn’t hold up his end - he should have all three at once and not cancel as he is doing.

If you have gone through the city’s already and what’s happening hasn’t been agreed upon, then I would return there with proof to amend the conditions of contact. It may be that you can get sole custody, restrict his contact or have the contact via a contact centre (not sure about that), as you shouldn’t have to still put up with his crap.

Good luck with everything.

Which country are you in? That impacts what help you can get. Are you from the UK originally?

It is unacceptable for your ex to behave like this and he bloody well knows it. He is clearly trying to deliberately make your life difficult as a form of punishment for leaving him.

I'm also guessing that he won't have DC together to prevent you having any time to yourself.

Let him take you to court about contact. A judge will not mandate this chaotic charade he is controlling and will probably ensure that the children see him all together on a structured schedule. It certainly doesn't sound as if he would like to go for 50% residency if he can't be arsed to even make a packed lunch.

Also formalise child support through legal channels too as you should not have to provide invoices to receive payment. He is using this money as yet another way to control you and this needs to stop.

It doesn't even sound as if he is doing ANY parenting, you have to provide meals and lunches and make sure bags are packed etc. What does he actually do other than cause you stress?

He is taking the piss and will continue if not challenged. This is fun for him, watching you running about while he gets off on how much he is controlling the narrative.

Thanks for the replies.

This is court mandated access- mostly. He's supposed to have one DC on one night and the other 2 on another night but won't take them together any more. The judge asked him why he wouldn't want to see his children 'properly' at the time, but still allowed it when it came to it. The ex said when they were all together he found the 'energy was negative'

The court maintenance is minimal, bottom line stuff- to get him to contribute to youngest's nursery fees/ everyone's sport/ piano/ school trips/ cubs/ beavers/ birthday parties etc etc etc I have to submit. Last time I did it for a 'quarter' (he likes it done up like a fucking audit) I was due half of $26k and I got $6k so I can't be bothered now for the amount of time and stress it takes up, and so I don't submit. He framed this as 'you are stealing money from the children by not submitting your receipts to me'.

I'm in Singapore. That's quite a giveaway in RL but let's hope no one from our tiny community is on here Anyway they should all know he's a dick instead of the fine upstanding citizen he pretends to be.

I can go back and apply for a 'variation' I believe, but fucking hell, I just can't face more paperwork, expense and hassle from him. I need to get some calm before I launch in to another storm.