Annoying MIL

[singinggeraniums]

Anyone out there like me?

My in laws drive me INSANE. They're lovely people but just so annoying and uneducated. I feel so guilty with how much they irritate me makes me feel like a bad person!

Me and my partner have our own house in a different town but she still offers to do our washing, buy him underwear and deodorant and make his pack lunches! Lovely gesture but we are in our 30s!!!

Whatever I do I just can't warm to them I feel like a miserable get!

Probably wouldn't hurt to kindly remind them how old you are.
But it sounds like they want to help?

What does your DH say to all of this?

My MIL is like this, still trying to "mother" her adult children. She is constantly asking DH where he is, is he ok, what's he doing, can you call me please. DH has to get blunt with her and pull her up. She gets her nose out of joint and gets snarky - "Why can't you just be grateful"/ "I'm just worried about you" - but it gives us our personal space back and keeps us both sane (and haven't had to rescue DH's undies back from DH's brother cause she snuck in and stole our washing to do once, got it all mixed up with his).

He hates her trying to still "help/mother" as much as me though, so thankfully it's not me coming off as b*h DIL.

When you are an adult, in an intimate relationship, you need your own private space as a couple- for that you need good boundaries and when In-laws especially are always on the wrong side of the line (however well intentioned) it just feels like an invasion.

My own mums theory about MIL is that she just wants to feel useful and needed cause she doesn't have much else in her life and she's in a "housemate" marriage with FIL. But that doesn't make it any less frustrating.

Be kind.

You'll be a MIL one day.

I'm now in my 70's and well educated . I used to think a bit like you when I was young but after many years in business and over time having many friends and colleagues I now know that there are more important criteria than education in judging a person. From your description your MIL sounds like her heart is in the right place but she just needs a gentle push in the right direction.

She doesn't sound bad at all. Her heart is in the right place. Just remind them you are perfectly fine running a household.

@herbie01 I definitely think your point of being needed it spot on! The rest of her kids have moved out and but she only seems to do this with DP.

She is a lovely person but I'm so independent myself and I hate the smothering! My DP just goes along with her I'm guessing because he feels bad I don't know?

@pusspuss9 her heart is definitely in the right place 😊 as for the uneducated bit she's an intelligent woman but she's always butting in with her opinions about the car I bought or the house I bought or the way we do things! She told us not to get a certain insurance once because it was a scam. I had this certain insurance for years and she was ringing me every 10 mins while I was in work and in the end I diverted calls to my partner and we didn't take out the policy! Couple months later we had an accident and we lost out on thousands which we would have claimed back and more with the insurance. I will never forget that and since that day I take her opinions on board but most of the time they're just crap she's heard on Facebook or from her friends! Trying to help but not helping at the same time 😫

My MIL and DH speak every morning, DH is field base so does a lot of driving. I find it a bit weird but then do think I'd love to speak to my DS every day when he's older.

But, if she ever can't get hold of him because, ya know, work! She rings me (I'm often busy so think I'll call her back) she's the been known to ring my mum and my gran! Asking them all if they've heard from DH because she can't get hold him and is worried!

My gran was really worried then! Needless to say, I had words.

It's very hard to stop worrying about your children,even when they are grown up.
herbie, I think you and your dh ought to be a bit kinder - you could do a lot worse that have parents who love you and want to look after you.
I do agree OP that ringing you at work every 10 minutes is massively annoying, but ultimately it was your choice to change the insurance, do it's unfair imo to hold it against her when her intentions were good.

Can you divert her number to one of the other DH siblings?

Well educated people don't call themselves 'well educated '

Well educated people don't call themselves 'well educated '

I don't usually do this, but was using it as a reference the 'uneducated' comment in the OP. It's not a criteria that I normally take into account in judging a person.

@Aderyn19 I understand why on face value of my post above you say "be kinder" but my MIL's relationship with the family (her six adult children, all married with children of their own) is more complex and has way more issues than what I've briefly described here about her "smother-mothering" - all six children have problems with her but I'm not hijacking Geranium's post to go to into it further.

Geranium, it would be worthwhile actually asking your DP how he feels about it - some grown men love they mothers still running around after them, others just go along with it to keep peace.
You & DP might be able to just have a nice chat with her about it.
My MIL just didn't listen and wouldn't take No for an answer when we asked her nicely numerous times so that's how DH got to the blunt stage.

@herbie01 spoken to him before and he said she's just trying to help. Throws a strop when he hasn't got his din dins! Suppose it takes a job away from me but I think it's absurd that your mother is still making you ham sandwiches at the age of 32. Fair enough if he still lived at home but we live 20 mins away!

He is very pandered but because she is so adamant about doing everything for him he's just used to it and goes along with it!

Another MIL bashing thread when yet again it is the DP. Your MIL isn't making your packed lunch or buying your deodorant so why are you getting so agitated?

If your DP doesn't care that his mum does this why do you? If you dont like him being pandered by his mum you should be communicating with him. He is the only one that can stop it. TBH what harm does it do?

I don't think it's a lovely gesture, I think it's creepy and weird to make packed lunches for a grown man in his 30s. She wants to buy his pants! It's all very Hills Have Eyes OP.

@doodleygirl it's aggravating and very intrusive especially when she's buying double the toiletries after I have told him and her multiple times not to do. I also have celiac disease and she still continues to cook us freezer meals which we DONT NEED, and I can't eat them because she ignores my disease. It's not my DP at all he just doesn't want to upset her and just lets her get on with it, it's very very weird he's not a 5 year old with a superman lunchbox like she treats him to be!

@12345kbm I completely agree!

But it is your DO, if he did t want this level of intrusive behaviour from his mum he would tell her, but he isn’t.

Your issue is his lack of boundaries but you would rather take issue with your MIL than your partner.

Part of me thinking she's not treating you as grown ups and the other part wistfully imagining sending all my washing to her and asking if she can iron it too 😁😁

DP not DO

@doodleygirl I have spoken to my DP and he has mentioned it but it just went over her head.

@Marylou2 I might try that approach😂 can you buy me a pack of Lacey thongs when you get DPs undies too please MIL? 🤣

I find it quite amusing reading this as I have a similarish MIL. I refuse to entertain my husbands gardening hobby because he is crap at it, kills everything and nothing ever grows so I refuse now to spend any more money on it, MIL always turns up at planting time with all sorts for him even though she knows it just annoys me. We do get on mostly, but she is another who gives unwise advice, husband went away for a few weeks with work, MiL came to stay for a few days with me and told me to turn the pump off at night for the fish pond (6 koi carp), I questioned this and she laughed at my ignorance and said it would save electric... I did as she said and after a week or so of doing this all the fish died when I told my husband what I had done he was far from impressed and told me not to listen to her crap again.

Whats the point about them being uneducated got to do with it?

@whereishappyat oh no your poor fishies! ☹️

@Singsongbird I half explain in my replies. She and DIL are always giving uneducated opinions, out of good heart but they don't understand what they're saying before they rush into a mass panic to stop the decision I've made when I think long and hard into my decisions. It is usually some crap they've read on Facebook. They are also very racist and homophobic which is polar opposite to me and it really pisses me off.

Ahhh ok, racist and homophobic? I'd be distancing myself from them as much as possible.