Sorry this might be long if you make it to the end thank you.
I have been with my husband since we were teenagers, we are now mid 30s. We have 2 children 10 and 8. When I had my first daughter I became a stay at home Mum, I then went to uni and I now work self employed making around 6 thousand a year which is perfect for us right now due to childcare after School etc.
This is the quick over view of my life and how it appears to others. However on the inside the reality is I haven’t earned my own money properly as an adult. Ever. I moved in with my husband at 19 and my full time wages where transferred into his bank account on pay day as he dealt with all the bills. This habit has continued and I live a very dependant life. After I had my first child I wanted to return to work but my husband was very much against this and he made that very clear. I’m an adult so the final decision was mine and I take responsibility for that, I’m not playing the blame game I just want to get this off my chest. Being unemployed and living a fairly isolated and lonely life with no support from family (husband works a lot but is supportive when he is here) has left me a shadow of my formal self. I am crippled with anxiety to the point I very rarely leave my house.
Our marriage is very platonic, we are good friends but there is no sex anymore (his choice) he tells me has no interest in sex anymore with anyone. I actually do believe him and don’t think there is anyone else. We’ve had sex about 4 times in the last 5 years. I’m incredibly lonely and feel very vulnerable and sensitive now.
He has terrible mood swings and I dread him
Coming home from work most days. He’s not abusive but my life is a misery most of the time. He makes good money and will be fine if I leave but I have absolutely nothing and no one and I have no idea how I would even begin to afford to move out and start again. I can’t afford mortgage on this house so couldn’t stay here either. I guess I just feel like I’ve given up my career, my mental health and my chance to have more children which I wanted once upon time. I’ve gave this up for a man who could be described as “neutral to negative” that’s all he is. He’s never happy and never has been and he cares about nothing. He’ll never seek help as he doesn’t think anything is wrong. He’s fine and wants things to stay as they are. Leaving is so terrifying as despite all this I do love him, he’s a good Dad and a good man. He would help anyone in need. He just doesn’t see my needs. If I won the lottery tomorrow or managed to land a decent paying job my decision would be easier but right now I am so very stuck.