What are people’s thoughts on this?

[Unsure3344]

I am not sure what to do/think of this and wondered what everyone else would think/do.

I felt like something was going on with my partner but wasn’t sure what. I confronted and asked and he said all was fine. Things still seemed off, so I did the not done thing and checked on his phone.

I found a message to another girl, nothing untoward as such in the message, other than a random emoji sent to which she initially didn’t respond, then a message wishing her a happy birthday (he never sends these and has never sent one to anyone else) and then some follow up conversation about other stuff, it was defo flirting as he was saying things that were a bit of a dig but jokey, this is how he flirts, and I know because he did this with me. She didn’t respond too much and the message ended with his response to which she didn’t reply.

He has since then been looking her up everyday (he was already searching her up before this I am guessing that’s when she added him), usually when I go out or out of the room but also when I am asleep in bed! He has also liked 2 of her photos recently, of her, selfies, he never does this either and also used to do this to me!!

It all just stinks of pursuing someone to me and I am thinking get out now before it becomes something more or he is bored and decides to send her a message and maybe she does reply. She’s single, but regardless of whether she does reply or not his intentions seem to be there and I think if she had replied and flirted back no idea where that conversation would have gone.

I have to confront him with it, but to be honest just want to say, I know you have been pursuing someone and due to that I am out. It is not someone who he would need to or have a reason to message at all for any reason and he really isn’t the type to just wish someone happy birthday for no reason.

Hi OP. Your spidey senses were tingling with this one, and for good reason so it seems.
What he's doing, well, it's how affairs start. I wouldn't be happy with his obsessive pursuit of her, and for me, it would be the end.
I wish you well

He wants out, OP, I would definitely get in there first!

Glad it’s not just me that sees it being not acceptable. I didn’t know if I was overreacting as there is nothing actually there concrete that’s ‘wrong’ if that makes sense. If it had been someone he usually speaks to/knows or had messaged before different. But it’s clear from the conversation he only knows ‘of’ her rather than knows her. Absolutely no reason to message.

Following on from that, the looking up everyday just makes me think how long until he finds some reason to message her again? I don’t want to be that person sat around waiting until it does happen and for everything to hit the fan then.

Now I’ve got the issue of when to address there. There are kids and living together involved. The kids are here pretty much all this week and the next (half term too, so childcare issues too).

I am due to go away next weekend to visit someone with my children so wondering if just to stick it out and act normal until then, do it then and then he has the weekend to move his things. Really not sure I can keep a lid on until then though

You are not overreacting. He is absolutely pursuing this woman, and you are very wise to end things.

My ex was like this. Unfaithful as fook. He would get obsessed with w0omen and constantly search for them on Facebook. Urgh. Creep. Get rid.

It's a classic case of your instinct not letting you down.
She's not giving off a particularly interested vibe and will probably think him a bit of a dick, but this will probably fuel his desire. And how long until he finds someone who does reciprocate ...
You're best off out of it, OP.

Ugh this proper sucks. It isn’t what I wanted at all. I now need to decide what to say. I don’t want to get into a conversation about it and for him to be justifying himself. I purely just want to say, I know what this is/is going to be. And I am not being that person that sits and lets it happen.

The kids will be upset, as am I. What is wrong with me, I have tried to give everything I can

NOTHING is wrong with you. Same as nothing was wrong with me. This is all on them.
You sound quite resigned to it. Has he got past form for this?

There's nothing wrong with you OP, nothing at all. This is his behaviour, not yours. By all means bide your time until it is convenient, but when the time is right, say your piece then go grey rock on his sorry ass.

He doesn’t have form for it no. I just didn’t see it coming. We are fairly settled in lots of ways and I just don’t understand why he would bother given he has everything and given the kids also have everything and this will impact on them a lot too.

I just know because there is nothing ‘concrete’ he is going to try and justify it by saying he hasn’t done anything. Now effectively speaking yes, but intentions are there in my opinion and I just feel like it could be the first step of others later and I don’t want to waste my life waiting for that, to end up leaving later anyway.

It all just feels so rubbish and just unfair.

What are you waiting for. Get rid of him.

You're absolutely right, OP. This is merely a stepping stone to a full blown affair. And he was testing the waters with her.

Ideally I should wait until I am going away. As childcare is sorted for the kids and they are here a lot over the next week. But I really don’t think I can play normal relationship until then. We are quite affectionate and right now I just want to be a million miles away from him, I am so upset by it.

My issue is aswell, I found those, but he could be messaging her elsewhere for all I know. This was a Facebook message, and not connected to his ‘main’ accounts for things. So he could be messaging her on WhatsApp/insta or anything else already and I would have no idea. This is also playing on my mind.

Nothing concrete "wrong"??? Are you SERIOUS?

He may well be able to minimise the messaging and deny any wrongdoing....hes lucky she didn't respond positively or I'm sure the messages you found would have been a whole lot worse.

But what he CANT minimise is looking her up every day! That's borderline obsessive....he clearly has a massive crush on her and was just trying his luck, hoping she would want him. Bad luck dickhead.

He cant wiggle out of that. Make him explain why he would constantly look her up? Is that normal behaviour for someone in a relationship? Nope. It's someone with a crush.

Problem is, eventually he will find someone who does respond positively and then off he'll go.

Must be so painful but he cant deny wrongdoing here, its horribly obvious.

If it were me, I'd leave the bastard in a heartbeat

Also if hes doing this you can bet your life theres more. Can you check his internet history ? Not that it matters..hes cheated anyway, or tried to, but I guarantee theres more, to this woman and probably others

Sending hugs , you must be in bits

I know it’s wrong, but what I mean is he will argue it’s just innocent or probably have some excuse, as there is nothing in the messages. But I agree, how do you argue looking someone up daily? I don’t do that to anyone else. It would be different if it was a Random celebrity but this person is local and someone who went to his school, but not the same year, they have mutual friends it seems but doesn’t seem like they knew eachother personally.

I agree if she had responded differently the situation would have been different I’m sure, I’m glad she didn’t because I don’t think I could have stomached seeing that, but know it could have easily happened.

I can’t check the history, this is as far as I can check, but for me and my boundaries, it’s enough. It’s painful I won’t lie, have spent the night trying to keep myself together and cry in private when I go to the loo/have a shower. Pretty sure I’m not going to be able to hold out having this conversation for another week and will probably have to have it tomorrow.

He will try and minimise it for sure. It's what cheats do, even when discovered having a full blown affair!
But you will be prepared for his protestations, and stand strong

Tell him what you said in your OP: ‘You are pursuing someone and due to that, I’m out.’ Don’t argue or listen to his protests and minimization. He has crossed your boundaries and that is all that matters. You don’t need this loser.