I'm dying inside

[JumpinMum]

I found out last week my fiancé has been cheating. This is the second time I’ve caught him and I’m sure there are other instances I do not know about. The thing is - he does not know I know...

We have a 2 year old son. I am between jobs so have no money. I have debt which he ran up which he IS paying. We also have a car on finance in my name which he pays.

I want to leave but feel I would be shooting myself in the foot if I tell him I know now. He has a lump sum of money due to come into a business account in my name. I know that if I left he would not give me all the money to pay off the debt

• prob just try and send me money each month then default! He would try and take the car (as he pays for it) and buy me a banger. If I leave with the debt not paid I will have to go back to my dads and deal with paying it off for years.

I was thinking;

1	 Wait until he gets paid (into my account), pay off the debt, and set aside £20k of savings which I had when we first met but he squandered.
2	By this time I would have secured a job - so happy days - go and rent a flat for me and my boy!
3	Leave him the rest. 

What would you do? I’m not a nasty person at all but he has walked over me since we have met and I’ve had enough. Everyone says I’m too soft. He lied about a son he has and has turned my life upside down with lies upon lies.

Mentally I can’t cope. I’ve spent the last 5 days in bed. - I went to the Gp to speak about the fact that I can’t cope and bottled it.

I cry because he’s told other women he is single and has no children. I cry because I am sad. Am I angry? - yes but after last year I’m not surprised he has done it again.

I tried to leave him last year. He because depressed and suicidal so i May have to tread carefully?

I’m aiming to wait until the money comes. Then when he is away for work (or with his new gf) pay off what I need and move out.

I don’t want to have anything to do with him other that our son.

I can go back to my dads and live rent free but I would rather start fresh with me and my son. A new job at the salary I am normally on would cover all expenses if I rent.

Speaking to him now as if I don’t know is killing me inside!

Am I being too harsh? What would you do?

Why on earth is he does he have debt and car finance in your name?

If it was me, I'd try to claw back every penny as soon as possible. Stay with your father as he's willing to put the pair of you up.

How do you know for certain he's even going to pay you back? The debt and car are both in your name.

I'd be giving him the marching orders once I've got my money back. He'll see the children but that's as far as it goes.

You can cope with this. You bide your time, make sure he pays off as much as possible, while you get yourself organised.

I know it’s hard. It took me 11 months to get out, but you will cope. Ignore the suicide threats, they are classic manipulation. x

Get your money and then leave OP, lifes too short to put up with this shit!

I'd get that bonus into the account and fleeeeee so fast!
I'd move in with your dad straight after you get that money into your account and just start plotting your life from there- you'll get headspace at your dad's house. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It really is awful. I dealt with a very similar situation, years ago. Have faith that there is another, better side to this dark tunnel. Be strong.

You do exactly what you said OP, grit your teeth!!

@Peignoir - because I'm an idiot. (And let this be a warning to all you young ladies!)

I don't know he will pay me back for certain which is what scares me. I never had debt before we met and that annoys me.

You are not being harsh. I think he's trained you to see yourself that way when you try to stand up for yourself.

He sounds like this guy.

@Mintjulia - thanks - it's just really hard day by day having to speak with him knowing what I know. I really want to call him and tell him and curse them life out of him but I know I can't.

Thanks @melissasummerfield x

Definitely get a job.
Xx

Thanks @TheVanguardSix - I'm
Working on it. I want to leave him high and dry. I've got a few things I need to make sure are sorted but it will all get done.

Ps do what is right for you. Sounds like you have emotionally detached so that is the hard part. You shouldnt end up with less than nothing just because he turned out to be this kind of man.

How long are you talking realistically before the money comes in?

@Grembolina - 2/3 months. Which gives me time to get a job an sort out some other stuff. But it's 2 months of "acting" like everything is ok 😒

I'd leave him with nothing after all of that.

You absolutely can do this. Put on a brave face and keep your chin up, for your child's sake.

Women are actually the stronger sex, we have held things together for all of time.

You seem to have 2 threads
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3821208-i-m-dying-inside

@Ouchaheadinmybehind - sorry - I thought I hid that one! Wanted to change my name as I've used Mumsnet when I was pregnant and im paranoid he knows my name on here!

I'd get a job lined up (if you can), flat hunt, leave him with very little. He denied having a son?! My ex is a really rotten piece of work, but I don't even think he'd do this. If he did and I found out it'd physically sicken me. He doesn't pay me anything now, won't help out in half term, holidays etc so I can't work because I can't afford the childcare. I'm stuck until September when both are in school FT. Scrimping and scraping by.

He also claimed child tax credit AFTER he walked out on us, spent it all (around £500) and then I had to bloody pay it back at £50 a month because it was somehow claimed in my name, but went to his account - what the actual hell. I've paid it back now but my parents had to buy me a food shop every month because of it. Get everything in the correct names ASAP. He might be planning on taking his lump sum and running so watch out for signs. You and your child need and deserve enough to set up by yourselves.

It's taken me almost a year and a half to put myself back together after what mine did to us (also cheated twice, debt, other selfish twattish behaviour) and the animal like despair I felt whilst I sobbed my heart out I'll never forget BUT you do crawl out of it eventually stronger and more determined.

Try to cover yourself legally if he turns on you when you keep some money, for example if he was to go to the police and report you for theft and he can prove this money is legitimately his. Send him texts/emails (ligjhthearted)... hey hun you know that £x amount you owe after taking out the debt with so-and-so bank in my name? Was just wondering if you could (any excuse, increase the amount you pay into my account by an extra £20 a month so it's paid off faster etc. and hopefully get a response back in writing acknowledging he owes you the debt. Or maybe secretly video that conversation.