Should I have got married and what to do now?

[enygma]

We've been married for almost ten years and have 2 primary age kids. He works full time on shifts, me part time M-F and to most people we look like a well off, middle class UK family. But he is in a lot of pain from various conditions and loses his temper at the drop of a hat, progressing now to shouting and swearing in public and in front of family, friends and the children. Never violent though, but prone to swerving the car when the red mist descends.
I have to explain to the children that insults like "mng", "rtard" and "b*tch" that get shouted at motorists are not Ok words to repeat. He thinks Trump is a great asset to America and Hitler had some good ideas. I think when I was younger I just thought he was being funny when he said some of these things, but I just feel now that I generally don't enjoy his company, he doesn't enjoy mine, and we've settled into this professional kind of marriage where everything gets done but there is no affection and we're just here for the kids.

Does anyone have any experience of their husband "growing up" in their attitudes to society or do you think he is a lost cause?
To make matters worse I am going through early menopause and my self esteem is in the toilet, but he thinks that is the only reason I am emotional just now.
I feel so stuck - I'm sure we could save our marriage and he could have therapy (I've done that already) but part of me feels I would either like to be on my own or with someone who was just a nicer person! :-(

Kick him out.

Can you see him getting better? People respond to pain in different ways but swearing in from of kids and you, he is an adult! Sounds like he's unlikely to change much now as people become more stuck in their ways as they get older if it works for them!

Ask yourself will he genuinely change? Where do you see things going in future? I'm sorry about his health conditions but you and the children have a right not to be miserable as he has his rants every so often.

Has he tried to talk to anyone about managing the pain and his outbursts? Hope you are ok op.

It doesn’t sound like you’re happy now, and won’t be in the future in less he changes.
He is unlikely to change ‘off his own back’ as it were.
You could try couples therapy and I would also individual therapy for him to help with his anger issues and coping mechanisms with pain.
I would say that if his views are deep rooted in his personality, he is unlikely to change his views on Trump etc.
If he doesn’t want to go or change then it’s up to you to decide in the pros and cons of staying in your relationship.
Hasn’t happened to me but a friend recently split from her husband as she couldn’t face spending the rest of her life with a bigoted, grumpy man who held massively different world views to her.

Yes, I went through this with my second husband. Everything I loved about him I began to hate. His views, thought process and his attitude to life left a sour taste in my mouth. He should know better not to use such language around the kids as they eventually begin to regurgitate the filth.

Of course he'd use your menopause as a weapon against you to deny his own wrongdoings. I think it's time you sit him down and give him a good talking to. Highlight all of the issues you're having with him and discuss how the pair of you are going to work through them. Sometimes people just grow into miserly and mean spirited individuals and sadly you can't change that.

Could you see a life without him? Would you be happier? It doesn't seem like he offers much emotional value to your life. A professional relationship isn't a fulfilling coupling. You're not in the office. It's time for him to man up, put his best foot forward and be a good husband and father.

Hitler? Please. He wouldn't be around if Hitler was in dictatorship. What a moron. Why on earth would he spew such filth? Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and your family.

Oh god, similarities here. My dh supports everyone and everything who I absolutely oppose - Trump, Bannon, Farage, Johnson, Brexit etc. He'll sit and watch Jacob Rees-Mogg on youtube on an evening. He doesn't think it's a problem and I end up getting the blame for being miserable around the house. Well I wonder why!

Thank you all for your responses - food for thought and sympathies to those of you in the same boat. It was an eye opener a couple of weeks ago when I went round to a couple who are friends to discuss some plans, and we had a fairly deep discussion about politics without anyone being dismissed as a knb, c#nt, tw#t or d#ckhe#d. I am tired of watching programmes about the war on TV all the time (he goes to bed - albeit without an argument - if I want to watch any of my "sht" programmes.) I think counselling would help us communicate a lot better, but we do just seem to have very different world views. Open minded Vs closed minded. Our families are polar opposites too and I guess I should have believed the signs before we got married - we were together for ten years before then.