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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Tinder and strong feelings

19 replies

alex2021 · 12/02/2020 14:15

I am 32 years old and met this 26 year old female on tinder 1.5 years ago. She had just broken up from a 5 year relationship and just wanted to fool around with guys, which was perfect for me because I was not looking for anything serious either.
Sex was amazing for both of us, but communication was problematic right from the start. She would answer my texts after 6 hours or the next day. She always seemed aloof and uninterested. Even though she treated me like she didn’t want to see me anymore, she would always get back to me and meet me once every 1 or 2 weeks just for sex (which as I said was awesome).
The problem is I started to develop feelings for her, and at some point I realized that I had never loved someone so much. I know it sounds ridiculous but she was the only thing on my mind 24/7 and I was crying all day long. I had been in long term relationships in the past but I never knew what it actually meant to be in love until I met this special lady.
At some point after one year of knowing each other, I took her out for a drink and told her how much in love with her I was all this time. She said “you should be really lonely, I feel sorry/pity for you”, and she disappeared.
It was her choice to let me go so I did not contact her again, until 6 weeks after that, she sent me a text at 5am (probably drunk and horny) telling me that she’s thinking about me a lot and she wants to see me again etc.
So now we’re seeing each other again once every month or so and just for sex. I still have the same feelings for her and I feel terrible/miserable every moment I am not with her. In other words, seeing her is not good for me!
Any suggestions? Should I humiliate myself again by telling her how much in love with her I am? Should I pretend I’m cool and say nothing and wait to see what happens? Should I just leave her? But I can’t just leave her!!!

OP posts:

Jane1978xx · 12/02/2020 14:35

To her you are just a fuck buddy really. If feelings and the relationships havent been discussed going along then that’s what it is. On her part the first time
You said you had feelings if she really didn’t she should have told you what the relationship could be or cut if off forever. Sex once a month won’t make a relationship

Onthelookout1 · 12/02/2020 15:43

You could tel her one more time and make it clear what you want . If not I’d start dating others.

Onthelookout1 · 12/02/2020 15:43

*tell

LittleSunnyflower · 12/02/2020 16:17

Oh honey. I know exactly how you feel. It is so so so hard to move on, but here's the thing, until you rip the plaster off you're just going to keep hurting forever. Rip it off and at least you will stop hurting eventually. Big big hugs.

Nowayorhighway · 12/02/2020 16:28

You were her fuck buddy and I don’t actually think she has done anything wrong. She didn’t mislead you in any way, she made it clear that she only wanted sex which is all you two were. You fell for her, that’s not her fault at all. I agree with her tbh, you must be quite lonely to sit crying all day over a woman you barely know.

Saucy99 · 12/02/2020 19:53

@nowayorhighway you sound like a real charmer. Kick someone when they're down much.

Original poster

alex2021 · 13/02/2020 10:03

Thank you very much for your input my friends!
I am not looking necessarily for a committed relationship. For the time being it would be nice just to see this lady more often. This situation is just not good for me!

OP posts:

YeahJackie · 13/02/2020 10:06

Don’t do it to yourself alex. Find someone new and move on. There is someone out there who will want to be with you properly and that’s what you’re looking for

Peignoir · 13/02/2020 10:09

Your own actions will lead to your demise if you're not careful.

She only wants sex from you and she's not looking to commit. If you can't handle this, look elsewhere. There's no point trying to swoon her as she's not that type of woman. She only wants sex and she's made that clear already. Communication isn't her strong point, so there's no reason for you be thinking you could have something more with her. Sex only takes you so far, dearie. Play around with her casually if that's what you want but don't get attached to her. If the situation is bad for you ... stop it. I tell my sons this over and over.

Original poster

alex2021 · 13/02/2020 11:17

Hey how do you quote posts here?

YeahJackie said: "There is someone out there who will want to be with you properly and that’s what you’re looking for"

I can find more than one or two ladies who want to be with me properly. The thing is, I'm just not interested in anybody else and that's so hard to change!
Thanks for your time reading my story and writing back!

OP posts:

TigerDater · 13/02/2020 11:27

It won’t change while you’re still seeing her. It’s hurting you to see her so you have to just stop. I really hope you can do this 💐

TurkeyBasterHopeItWorks · 13/02/2020 11:28

Hi OP,

I'm sorry to hear you feel this way. But as others have said this lady has been honest with you from day one. But feelings can take over and this is what has happened to you.
You could state your feelings once more and see if she has changed her mind. I think this is unlikely though. Then if she says she just wants sex going forward I think you need to completely cut all contact for your own sake.

Take some time to be by yourself and move on emotionally. Take your mind off things with hobbies and activities that you enjoy.

When you are ready start dating again. You will meet someone you click with romantically at some point. It might not happen straight away but give it time. You will fall in love again and hopefully she will feel just the same way you do.

Dieu · 13/02/2020 11:30

She's not interested in a relationship with you, or probably anyone else at the moment.
You've told her how you feel, and I would leave it there. You can't force her to feel a certain way. I don't mind this unkindly, but you have made this all about you and your feelings.
You either have to respect her boundaries, or walk away.
I have to say that my own dignity would have me walking away! If I suspected that a FWB was developing feelings for me, I'd end things. She doesn't give a shit about your feelings.

TurkeyBasterHopeItWorks · 13/02/2020 11:32

Just to add, when you say "you are just not interested in anybody else" that is because you are fixated on her. You need to cut all contact and move on. You can't move on if you are running to her every time she wants sex, hoping she will suddenly change her mind about a relationship.

Dieu · 13/02/2020 11:37

Absolutely.

YasssKween · 13/02/2020 11:41

She doesn't want to be with you.

You need to accept that, you aren't compatible because you want different things from each other.

Some people will probably say she's being cruel or leading you on but I disagree.

Shes told you exactly what her position is, she's been honest with you. You are choosing to continue seeing her despite this.

You aren't the greatest love affair of all time because she doesn't want you. So why are you putting your life on hold?

Be single, wait until you're over her to date again. You don't need to have someone else lined up who you will love "as much" as her in order to leave.

You are knowingly making yourself miserable. Stop it.

litterbird · 13/02/2020 12:58

Could you try reframing the words “I’m in love with her” to “I’m addicted to her?” She has told you that she doesn’t want a relationship and it makes it oh so much more addictive to chase this illusive butterfly. You are chasing a dream that won’t happen. To get over addiction you have to remove yourself totally from the source, go through withdrawal and stick with it until you are clear and can find someone available to you. It’s hard, it will hurt but you will save yourself months of heartbreak staying where you are.

bangheadhere40 · 13/02/2020 13:24

I agree it's best to not see her. As it is you are at her beck and call, with no regard to what you want / need.

I agree with @litterbird to reframe it to addiction.....

In all essence you are just hurting yourself, unless you can cope with the limited contact.

Sorry, it is so hard to do....and hard to ignore as well.

user1481840227 · 13/02/2020 16:35

I disagree that she hasn't done anything wrong.
Morally she has for sure. Women aren't stupid and we know when men have developed feelings for us, and it's clear as day the OP had developed strong feelings for her and that would not have gone unnoticed.
She also got in contact with him again during the no contact period as she's bored/horny/needs an ego boost. It's absolutely morally wrong and cruel to do that when you know how someone feels about you.

To the OP your feelings about her are probably only this strong because of her disinterest in you, wanting something you can't really have kind of thing. That has a powerful effect on people which is why they let them treat them badly.

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