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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Opting out of parenting.

16 replies

Grembolina · 12/02/2020 09:59

Just need to vent, I know I am far from the only one in this situation but it's just so frustrating that one parent (usually but not always Dad) can just walk away from their children.

Ex moved 250 miles away from DS 7 a couple of years ago. He therefore never does a school run, knows nothing about his swimming lessons, doesn't cook his dinner, listen to his worries, pack his lunch, buy his socks....

He basically decided that he didn't want to do any of that and just left it all to me. No discussion just off he went, our town is bad for his mental health apparently.

He doesn't even phone DS, never asks about him, no facetime or anything.

He is supposed to pick him up during the school holidays and take him to his home. Without fail this means I have to chase him up for the two weeks before hand to find out if he is coming, when he is coming, how long he is going for.

Lots of times he doesn't take DS and just stays in our town for a few days and sees him here.

All the while suiting himself while I don't know if I am needing to arrange holiday childcare or not. If I book him in I have to pay even if he then goes to his dads. If I don't book him in then I risk not having any childcare if his dad doesn't show up.

Its just extra stress for me and I am exhausted with it all.

That's before we get into the rigmarole of trying to get any kind of maintenance.

I feel like it would be easier to just ignore him and let him fade out of DS life but DS loves his dad and it wouldn't be fair to him.

Just needed to vent really!

OP posts:

dinosaurrisotto · 12/02/2020 10:05

That sounds utterly rubbish so i don't blame you for being fed up. But as a child of divorced parents myself, i can tell you that your son will grow up to appeciate you and love you all the more for what you do and he'll know that his dad was useless.

Original poster

Grembolina · 12/02/2020 10:08

Thanks @dinosaurrisotto, that has helped cheer me up a little. I know long term things will work out. Just wish I could give him a kick up the bum.

He should appreciate that I am single handed bring up his child because he can't be bothered, and make my life easier, not harder.

OP posts:

SwishSwishSheesh · 12/02/2020 11:06

Tbh I kind of envy you OP. I wish my DD's dad would fuck the fuck off with his stupid demands and histrionics and just leave us alone already. She doesn't like going to see him, I miss her when she's gone... He adds nothing to her life, being a waste of space that he is.

The grass isn't always greener, hey?

Original poster

Grembolina · 12/02/2020 11:39

I guess you are right with that.

If he buggered off properly, I would know where I stand, I would have childcare booked without stress and DS would eventually forget about him.

It's like Brexit, In or Out but not this half arsed messing about!

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 12/02/2020 11:59

Is this court ordered contact? Or informal between you?

Original poster

Grembolina · 12/02/2020 12:10

Informal, we have never been to court.

I bend over backwards to facilitate their relationship, I let him stay in my house on the times he stays in our town (I stay elsewhere).

Just a bit of consistency and communication is all I expect.

OP posts:

Peignoir · 12/02/2020 12:23

He's trash, sweetie. He's not trying to get involved in your son's life, so why force it? Let him fade into the background. Once your little one is older enough you'll be able to explain to him what happened. He's a liability and I certainly wouldn't be bending to his will. I think it would be easier to live life without catering to his will. Be a single mother, look after your son and do everything in your power to be the best mommy! You can do it, you've already been doing it without him!

Epona1 · 12/02/2020 12:34

So let me get this straight, you MOVE OUT and let him stay in your home when he visits?

Why? That is just wrong.

TigerDater · 12/02/2020 12:45

I don't think it's wrong, but I do think it is you trying too hard to facilitate a relationship for your son that in all likelihood is not worth facilitating. The relationship is between your ex and his son, it is not yours to keep going. If your ex just can't be arsed then I would be tempted to let it wither on the vine. Assume he will never see his son again and set about running your life to suit you and your son best. If he turns up occasionally and is safe, fine. But don't facilitate. What's the point?

averythinline · 12/02/2020 13:14

Get onto cms get the money.

Do not facilitate visits I would write-email dates for the year if he won't commit then you arrange what you need to.... it is not in dc interests to have this in /out pick n choose parent... look after yourself and your boy

Original poster

Grembolina · 12/02/2020 13:14

I kind of see what you are saying and I agree to an extent. But when your seven year old is missing his dad you just want to make things better for him. It's certainly tough.

I usually go and stay with my boyfriend as Ex wouldn't be able to afford to stay in hotels. I know it probably makes me a mug.

OP posts:

Peignoir · 12/02/2020 13:18

Your little one will adjust. How far are you willing to bend back for your husband? Your ex clearly isn't invested in spending time with your son. Your ex chose to detach himself from the pair of you by moving 250 miles away, therefore he should have thought about the logistics. He did that to leave YOU in charge.

TigerDater · 12/02/2020 15:34

I get that, but it doesn’t make him feel better to be let down by his dad. Do you see your ex changing, or is this going to be a pattern that repeats throughout his childhood? If so, you are doing the best for your son to just behave like the ex doesn’t exist, without of course actively keeping them apart.

Original poster

Grembolina · 12/02/2020 15:58

I suppose the sooner he realises what his dad is like, the sooner he can get over it.

I don't understand how any parent can choose not to be part of their child's life.

OP posts:

WhiteBadger · 12/02/2020 16:45

I don't think you're a mug, think you're being an amazing mother!!

And yes when he grows up he'll understand.

I did the same with my son, paid for ex to visit, insured my car for him and let him stay.

It was all for my son, not me. I'd rather he visited his son than not at all. I facilitated this until he was 16.

My son is now in his 30s, very successful and happy and maybe sees his dad once a year. When his dad was very ill he didn't even go and visit him in hospital. I remind him to text him on his birthday etc.

My son is amazing and kind and thoughtful and is a loyal friend and son.

You are def doing the right thing!!!!

Just come on here and moan!!

RantyAnty · 12/02/2020 18:01

Yes, just let him fade into the distance

At 7 your DS probably loves the idea of his dad but really, he hardly knows him since the dad barely sees him, doesn't call him or anything.

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