he is sexting another woman

[maripo]

Hi mumsnetters,
I’m new here but always reading your threads!
I came here just to talk, because I don’t know what to do...
I am engaged, getting married in 4 months, we have DD almost 2 yr now.
My DP was always for me “a dream came true” kind of man. I never had luck in love, so when he came to my life I was so happy. He is (was?) perfect partner (yes, I know there is no perfect people;)), taking care of me and our DD. He is supportive, he always thinks about is as a family, we are his priority, he always talked in disgust about his friends who do not respect their wife/partner or who cheat. He spends money on us, all our friends admire how he treats me and how amazing father he is. So it is like dream came true to me, isn’t it?

Till yesterday... My DP never hides his phone, I know his passwords, was using his phone when mine got broken.
Yesterday I needed to send sth through the phone that gave me for a while (mine did not work) and I saw a message from a girl asking if he forgot her? Message was sent 2 weeks ago, he never replied. But then I realised I recognised her name, I saw once on his lock screen soooome time ago that somebody with this name send him a picture. I ignored that time, because we trust (trusted?) each other, and he has a lof of friends anyway. But yesterday when I saw this message I noticed there was no previous messages from this person, even that I am sure she was texting him before.... I got nervous and suspicious.... I discovered they are friends on Insta from almost the same moment me and my DP met.... and from what I understood they did not know before. Long story short... conversations that they have trough those years happens every couple of weeks/months. There are months they do not speak, and she knows I exist, she knows my name and that we have a baby (anyway DP post a lot of our pictures with loving hastags!). And there are some pictures... her in pj, or only her legs, and they talk about sending videos or pictures.... I discovered my DP di*k picture that he sent her years ago, when we were together around 3 months. I do not understand everything, because they are from the same country, and they speak their language, I spend a night translating their conversations.... Last one was in October ((at least on Insta), and I could se he sent her some videos, she sent him a picture, but I cannot see them anymore.

I am devastated, I cried whole night, dont know what to do.... He is away till tomorro, and I dont know if I should wait till he comes home to confront him and ask who is this girl and what does it mean? Or should I confront him today on video call???

PS. I am not sure if they met in person, because we live together from the very beginning of our relationship, and whenever he went away it was with me....

What do you think about it? I am so confused...

Is there any point in confronting him? He is lying to you and clearly isn’t the ‘perfect partner’. Tell him it’s over and if he asks why tell him to check his Instagram. Do not marry him! He won’t change.

Also I hope you are ok. This must be a terrible shock

I can confront him tomorrow evening when he comes home. But Im really inpatient person and wanted to do this over the whatsapp video today... I dont know...

The worst thing is that we left UK in November to come to his country, because my DP got a very good job offer. I never wanted to move out of UK (Im not British but I spent 6 years there), especially to his country, dont know the language so Im not independent anymore.. He convinced me, because only with his salary we could afford childcare, rent and life costs... I cannot find a job here, offers that I get (I know 3 languages) are with silly money, I should be paid at least double. And now the worst thing is... he did not find himself in a new job and did not pass probationary period. So we are both unemployed right now and I feel really depressed, we have some savings though to survive, but we talked that we dont like to stay here anymore... I wanna go back to UK, but is not so easy with a 2yr old baby... how I will rent a flat, if agencies need 3 months salaries from before contract starts... He is acutally in UK now to get some interview, so he can get some job and find some flat for us to come...

And now this...

I feel like somebody took my life and put me in a situation I dotn wanna be in...

I might be tempted to gather as much evidence as possible and start to plan your next move - just because if you’re in his home country he might be able to stop you leaving with his kids and you’ll be stuck there if he has too much warning. Can you try to keep quiet for a little bit and try to find out more?

What a mess....I'm so sorry for you!

He is cheating and has probably done this before. You cant tolerate that, you will live a life of misery.

Confront him, yes, but you already know enough to warrant leaving him.

What do you want to happen next ?

Confront him tomorrow and tell him you wish to return back to the UK. Stop wasting your savings and plan your next move. Whatever savings your have, transfer them into your own account and use this to pay for a deposit here.

I couldn’t wait and confronted him over the video call - he did not even blink.. or got surprised, at least I did not notice. He said she is a friend, who is texting him from time to time in a crazy way (😳) and he never cheated on me. And that I shouldn’t think so much about her. Basically he does not see the problem. The thing is I just asked him who is she and why was she texting him asking that he forgot her. He does not know I’ve seen whole conversation on Insta (or maybe he does think I won’t understand anything anyway, because it is his language???) I asked him if they ever exchanged pictures or videos (I cannot see some of them on Insta, as you can open them only once), and he said that yes, she was sending him picture because she did nose job and he was sending her video with our daughter!)
I am so so confused, that he gave those answers like that, without even thinking.
We spoke couple of times from that time, and he does not come back to talk about it, like there is no problem at all.
I checked again screenshots of their conversations and translated them again and she was saying like 2 years ago that she is dreaming to have a relationship with him, and he said “me too” 🙄😏? Than they exchanged thought about her boobs and licking them...
I am speechless, I expected he will defend himself or will say to talk at home when he will come back tomorrow.
I am gonna show him those texts tomorrow and ask for explanation. And to block her everywhere.
I mentioned today I dont want him to be in touch with her and he said “ok, if you want me to”
My life just became some nightmare...