Ways to meet men that are not OLD

[Anxious1013]

Hi

Met someone through OLD (the first person I had ever been on an online date with) and we went on 7 dates. He’s lovely but he texted me yesterday that he would rather be friends . I was aware that “chemistry” might be lacking, but I really enjoyed going on dates with him. I also don’t want to go back to my on my own (post horrible divorce) life. I say on my own, I have three stroppy teenagers, but they sometimes make me feel lonelier .

However the whole experience also made me very anxious - my date is/was not the type to do it at all, but my fear of being ghosted was awful and the week to week wait to see if there would be another date or not made me incredibly anxious. We’re talking disabling feelings of nausea in my stomach that I couldn’t shift. That’s one good thing about the dates stopping, I will be able to function in my daily life better!

So I don’t think OLD is for me. I am looking for suggestions - if you met your other half IRL, how did you meet? Or what do you think are good ways of meeting people?

I would much rather meet someone, become friends and then get together - I think OLD puts pressure on people to make all kinds of decisions too fast (IMO).

@Legallybleachblonde is the plumber in question single? . Yes, it can be quite hard ... Just be social and make sure you place yourself in situations which enable you meet new people. Or .... Invite a few plumbers over to connect the washing machine .... which happens to be connected!

If i was single I'd join a running club or go to park run. Loads of men used to chat to me there.

I read this that you wanted to meet young men.

I’ll get me coat.

You need to address the root of your anxiety and I think a good way is realising that women who believe they know they're other half inside out and have been together for years are not immune from waking up with their man one day and never seeing him again because he does one. Live in the present. Treat dating as social meets. Don't be afraid to care about people, so you might get hurt? So what, change and disapponinrment is part of life but so is enjoying the moment so let yourself. Everything is in constant motion including you so please don't get stuck in worrying about another date etc dates are not interviews they're just social interactions.

No idea shamelessly following for suggestions.

I met mine at church - he was the one at the front wearing the silly dress

Single vicars are rare, though, so I don’t recommend it as a method generally.

I was thinking of joining a gym then someone said (on another thread) that they had to take a restraining order out on someone at their gym so that put me off too! Supermarket on a Friday night? Local tip? No idea.... I'm off to smash up my radiators so I can call my plumber out ;-)

I've never done OLD at all and didn't want to consider it. It really filled me with dread to be honest. I met my ex-H via friends and my previous ex (we weren't married, thankfully) through a hobby. My current boyfriend we met via friends at a large event we were both attending. At the time both of us were not looking for a relationship at all. He really is a decent bloke and I never thought I would be able to put my trust in a man again.

ive found an easy way to meet men who are not that old is to park outside primary schools and pick up other peoples kids claiming that they are your own

Oops I hadn’t realised that it looked as if I wanted to meet younger men . I meant not through online dating obviously 😳. Now I seem ageist as well as desperate . Will come back and say more about everyone’s messages in a second.

Thanks for interesting and funny messages.

In terms of dealing with my own anxiety, I agree that I should do it, but how?? I am not going to put myself in that kind of situation for a bit so I will only be able to deal with it if I am back in crisis mode which I don’t really want to be iyswim.

I agree that even the person who seems most loyal can in the end turn round and hurt us. Kind of risky, all of it.

In theory, you need to expand your social circle, on the basis that you don't want to go out with anyone you now know. There are some really good groups like meetup.com and the idea is that it's not for dating, but for like minded people to do things together. Have a look and see if there are any groups in your area. I also second sports clubs. Most places now have 'back to' sessions, whether it's badminton or chess that you are interested in. I appreciate that sometimes these ideas don't work, and, as in my case, you spend an evening or 2 with people you don't like much but if the alternative is another night in watching TV, you don't have much to lose.......

I met my now partner at a sports club I joined a year after my H left, so I know that works!

And whilst you are deciding, do tackle the anxiety. It will always make things seem so much more scary. Being happy in your own skin gives a person so much more strength, and it's attractive to boot. What, exactly, do you have to lose?

Thank you.

Any practical ideas on how to tackle the anxiety would be gratefully received. I guess it’s not a bad thing that I have now realised exactly how anxious I am, but it has come as a bit of a shock and now I feel like I am in a bit of a dark pit . It was better before I had the bright idea that it might be nice to get together with someone else - all my feelings were locked away but I was kind of strong and unstoppable. Feel a bit shit now .

Or even very shit, with the nausea still there.

I think the first step, and often the bravest, is to accept you have an issue, and then you can look at your options. A GP is a good place to start, as is the Mind website.

The best thing you can do is be kind to yourself, and make your own well-being a priority: maybe try some counselling? I know the end of a long marriage (even a non-abusive one) takes a lot of getting over and al I can r=tell you is that ocunselling helped me enormously. Good luck!

Agree that meeting people in the non pressurised situation of shared interests is good. Www.Meetup.com

As for the anxiety around will we be seeing each other again.... would it help to remember that this is a period you will look back on affectionately before you have really talked about your relationship.

It's natural to wonder ... the important thing to to decide for yourself whether you like him and he really is a decent person.

Like fences, Good boundaries make good relationships.