I’m so confused, do I love him or my idea of him?

[Confizzled]

2 years in. Both have children from previous relationships. We have some amazing times, holidays and weekends without our children. We also do things with the children the other weekends. But I want more than a weekend boyfriend and it won’t Happen until the youngest (4) has left home, I’m becoming increasingly distant and bored (my reaction to unfulfilled emotional needs) and I don’t know what to do.
How do I keep myself interested and not moving on and looking else where and ruining it? I don’t want it to end, just what someone to remind me the Mot is due or Pick me up when the car is in the garage, someone to ask do you think we should get that new bed or to have an argument but have them wake up next to you for a cuddle still because we’re in this life together
That’s what I’m missing and he can’t give me that.
What should I do?

Why can’t you live together if you spend time with children together anyway

I have mentioned it to him but the children’s school are too far apart and would then be extra commuting for us for school runs in different directions. It’s not important to him to live together, he likes it the way it is. I guess he likes having sex at weekends and the rest of the time his own space (with his kids). He says he loves me but I’m having my doubts.

It's tough, but the only way it will probably work is for one if you to move.

He isn't willing to give you what you want/need, therefore this relationship won't work. It's as simple as that.

Isn’t it possible for the children to change schools? Otherwise what’s the point of continuing? You’d be right to start looking elsewhere if he doesn’t want things to progress any further. (obviously ending it first).

You’re not getting what you need so there’s no point carrying on surely?

Relationships with children can be so complicated due to the level of responsibility to the kids over your partner. It's a whole new level of compromise.

If there were no children, your emotions would be enough to bring you together and make a successful relationship. Letting go of that is so very hard.

I get it OP, and maybe as the initial 'bonding phase' wears off, you will work out what you really want. It seems that you already are... I'd have an honest chat but be prepared to let him go. If neither of you can compromise in a way that works for you both, you have your answer

“I can’t move in til my 4 YO leaves home” sounds like catastrophic thinking to me. There must be other options, there must be. Can you talk them through together?

Similar situation here. We both have teens from previous relationships. Been together 4 years. We would both love to live together (we have amazing times together and had a lovely holiday with all the dc last summer). The dc all kind of assume we will do it. But we can’t, because his spineless parenting of one of his dc means he has created a spoiled, entitled, dysfunctional dc through years of dysfunctional parenting alongside his co-parent. Weirdly I do have a good relationship with said dc but with their (DP and his dc) relationship current form I won’t entertain moving. It’s really hard wanting a more settled life and him being the barrier. I am wondering if it’s going to last between us. Because being a spineless dad seems out if character with the rest of him and to me it seems so easy to rectify. I’m facing up to the fact that it might not work out,
now. Maybe like you the love is dwindling. He tells me he is changing things but until I see it for my own eyes it’s just words. Some things can be discussed and worked out. Some things can’t. It’s not clear in which category your issues are (or mine), all you can do is talk. But such as the big compromises when you both bring dc to your relationship. No suggestions here just sympathy. Good luck.

Gosh don't change the kids schools just for a romance, that have friends and established lives.

Be careful what you wish for, there are many many women wanting out of relationships but it's often not easy to leave. Put your kids and friends first.

So if the 4 year old doesn’t leave home til they are 24 you’re going to wait 20 years?

@sofato5miles you’re right that if there were no children involved then without doubt we would of been living together. I’m a bit scared to have to much of an honest chat as I’m not ready to let him go yet. I love having him around (even part time).

@LatentPhase how have you managed 4 years? My situation sounds very similar again, one of his older children is exactly the same, very spoilt with little of respect for adults. My dp Has changed his parenting technique and has got harder on him and it seems to have got slightly better. I feel sad the the love is going. I think I’d give it another 6months to a year and readdress then situation then. I maybe not as in love with him as I’d like to be anymore but maybe it will improve again or things will change.

I’m also confused if I’m holding onto him because my children love him too. They’ve not met anyone else since I split with their dad and I’m worried the effect will have on them if we did split.

I’d feel like I’m pushing him to live with me and if that’s not what he really wants atm then why push for it? It feels like I’m begging to be with him and that gets me annoyed with myself as Iv always been independent and driven (although always had a live in boyfriend pre children)

You need to have a serious discussion with him about how he sees your relationship going forward . Then you need to make a decision .

It seems you are emotionally invested in an idea (or ideal?) of coupling up with 'a man' and building a cosy nest in which you'll both be snug and happy. But your boyfriend doesn't seem comfortable with this.

Many of us have these kinds of dreams. The question is whether you are unhealthily focused on this ideal, or whether he's just not the right man for you.

Maybe you just need to learn to be happy on your own for a while before considering a serious long term relationship and everything that entails?

I think you’re in love with a fantasy of how things could be if you lived together. If what you want is a live-in partner then really this guy is not right for you.

Also it’s worth considering that the time you spend together now is basically ‘fun’ time - dates and holidays and weekends childfree or having joint times with the kids. That’s a lot different to blending lives and waking up next to each other every morning. The reality of living together might be a lot different to the idea of it.

Yeah, you are in love with an idea. You have a boyfriend and you are trying to mould him into the fantasy boyfriend and fantasy relationship.

What are the facts here? The actions happening. You live separately. His actions show that he likes keeping it casual.

You talk of things improving although you also say he's happy with the relationship as it is, sex at the weekends, distance means you can't live together, he loves you and this arrangement. So, you don't mean improve you mean worsen for him so he fits your fantasy relationship.

You are very clear about what you want from a relationship. The goal of dating is not to "get a man" then mould him into what you wish he were. That's a fool's errand. Rude too.

@Confizzled I think 4-5 years is actually the bare minimum to assess whether it’s right, with kids, to move in. By then relationships have evolved organically. I wouldn’t have considered it much before now. Just a shame to have a sticking point. I’m in an good position (house and location-wise, for my dc) but my exH seems to lurch from one crisis to the next & it would have been nice to have thought about the option to move in and consolidate. But it’s not a goer and that’s that. I do also think be careful what you wish for with blending families! The step parenting board makes for sobering reading..

I think the two years we’ve had have just been honeymoon period and now it’s starting to wear off. As I’m getting bored of the situation I can’t even be bothered to speak to him some nights now, it used to be that speaking to him was so important all other stuff could wait, now I’d rather get the ironing done than be on the phone for two hours after getting excited about seeing his name on my phone.

I’m still confused if I actually love him as I seem to be changing my mind daily. Is this just the beginning of the end? Or just adjustment for the end of the honeymoon period and us seeing if it’s worth perusing?

When you think about a future with him are you thinking of him as he is or are you thinking of an "improved" him who says and does different things to actual him?

Thanks for replying @TorkTorkBam. It’s him I see a future with, not an improved version, he’s everything Iv ever wanted, it’s just I’m getting myself wound up that it’s not the relationship I wanted. Yes living together would be harder in some ways but also easier in others but he can’t see this, he wants certain things in his life that I can provide/help he get and we can do it together as it’s much harder to achieve these on your own.

You are still talking as if he is wrong and needs to be corrected.

Like it is a problem of explaining it right to him.

Have you considered that he sees it fine but then makes a different choice to the one you would make?

Here's a thought experiment. Imagine he's out there thinking exactly the same as you: if only he could make confizzled see that he is right. Then think it through from his position of believing he is right and the more he thinks about it the more sure he is that he is right in his approach. It'll be hard. You'll keep going to scenarios where he sees the light. Avoid that. Try being properly in his shoes.