Am I ruining something good?

[uclmerc]

My boyfriend and I have been going out for coming up to 4 years. We were in a long distance relationship (UK-France) a couple of years ago and now we are in the same situation, though I'm wondering whether we've grown apart. He's still lovely and supportive, and I trust him completely; however there are several things that are making me unhappy. I'm not sure if I'm just asking too much? Please help me out with a "Mum's view" on this...

1. He never makes the effort to come and visit me, whereas I go to visit him every month. I don't think he has malicious intentions but just likes to spend time alone in his room gaming etc. We have also never been together for NYE so this year I gave him enough notice and proposed that we spend it together. He said "there are so many parties going on at NYE"... enough said. I expressed my disappointment and he apologised and bought me flowers. He now keeps saying "oh, I should get on that or you're going to leave me for someone else", but then he never really does organise anything nice for us to do...

2. When we are together, we are very rarely intimate. I don't know how much of this is just being out of the honeymoon period.

3. I have never been with anyone else and wonder if I'm missing out. I find it hard to think that I could just be with one person forever, without having had any other experiences. I have no baseline as to what is normal or not...

4. I am going to do a postgrad course back in the UK in the autumn. It's not in the same city as him, but still not too far away. I'm not sure if it will last the distance and I don't know if I'll meet someone new. He is still only halfway through a medical course, so I see him less and less as his course gets more demanding.

Anyone who I have spoken to about this has just said that I'll know if I meet someone else, but it is hard to meet other people if you're not openly single. I am feeling more interested in other guys and wanting my freedom, but at the same time feel I would be crushed if we broke up. I can't have my cake and eat it too: what should I do?!

Please let me know what your thoughts are as I am feeling very lost. Thank you in advance!

I hate to break it to you but you ARE single .

Im sorry to say he really doesnt sound that into you. If you didnt contact him, would he make an effort to contact you? You do sound way more invested in the relationship than him.

I cant actually see anything 'good' in what you have written. Does he seriously spend his time gaming when you go to visit?!

Thank you everyone for your advice. When I go to visit, he does tend to make an effort in terms of spending time with me. We also Facetime most days when we're apart. It's just that a lot of the time I feel that it's me suggesting stuff, or me mothering him and having to ask him to wash his clothes and bedlinen before I go and sleep there... I get the impression that he's just a bit clueless and hasn't done this before. I have spoken to him about it a few times and he's finally trying to organise stuff in an almost over-zealous way because I think he knows I'm close to pulling the plug on the relationship. I'm just wondering if it's too little too late though.

I have no baseline as to what is normal or not

That's very clear.

Endings suck even when they're the right thing, but clinging into something to try and avoid going through those feelings is worse. It won't do you any good.

It's natural to grieve a loss and it's natural to find it hard to let go of your first relationship, but it does seem like the healthiest thing to do would be to move on.

You’re certainly not ruining something good as it sounds completely awful.