3 weeks in after separation..... starting to sink in

[Allthesamestuff]

Hi there, I'm a first time poster although but if a regular lurker!

I discovered my DH (22yrs) was having an affair with a colleague 3 weeks ago. I asked him to leave at least temporarily. He did so with no fuss, drama or explanation. He's staying with a friend until he finds somewhere to rent nearby. He has regular contact with our children DS 10 and DD 8. Of course, because he has nowhere to look after them he either takes them to their clubs then returns them or out for the day at the weekend. He has also had them here while I go out. We are all here together on occasion as we want the children to see that we can get on and are still friends. They are ok, upset of course and don't understand but I feel we have done a good joint job of making the transition as smooth as we are able.

I suppose the reason for posting now, is because I have been through anger (although not much), denial and bargaining- although with myself not him. But now I feel such terrible sadness. I feel very alone despite having some very supportive family nearby and friends that have been fantastic. I miss him terribly, we met at school and have grown up together. We were always the couple people said they aspired to, unshakeable. But now my world has collapsed and I don't know how to deal with life on my own. Part of it is that I don't know if he has ended it with this woman, (15 years younger than me. Childless) he says he has but I can't believe anything he says. He has made no attempt at reconciling, I don't think he wants to. I haven't asked. I think he's relieved, although he says he's terribly sorry.

Can anyone offer some words of wisdom? How do I get past this awful bit- how do you re-frame your future when you were so certain of how it would look?

Roxanne, is that you?

The reality of it all is so harsh and 3 weeks is nothing at all to grieve all you knew. Be kind to yourself

Thankyou. No not Roxanne. I realise my situation is not unusual. I know 3 weeks is not long, but I'm a person who likes a plan! It all so up in the air, DH is not acting in a way I thought he would, but then neither am I. I thought I would be the sort of person to throw things and shout and scream but it's been so brutal and out of nowhere, I just feel terrible sadness.

I feel the same. I found out about my partners affair in November but I only managed to get him to move out 3 wks ago ( been together for 27 yrs). My kids are 17 and 21 so are either both working Saturday and Sunday or out so I’m on my own with the dog all weekend. I used to love my alone time but have found it so hard the last three weeks. I don’t love my ex but feel so lonely and sad. I’m struggling to liven myself up and get out of feeling sorry for myself. The house sale is stressing me out too and means I’m spending loads of time cleaning which is depressing in itself. I know it will get better and I’ve decided it’s like grieving - grieving for the future you thought you would have which has now gone and grieving for a relationship which has failed (even though I know it is for the best) it’s bloody hard though and it’s scary as you have to face so much change.

Did he continue the affair coronade? Did he want to stay? Did you want him to?
I'm sorry you're going through this too, it is like grieving, although my children are so young he will be a regular feature of my life for a long time yet. And I'm not ready to not see him anymore, even though I think it's harming me. You see, I do still love him. Or at least the him I thought he was.

Yes he is still seeing her. She was an old girlfriend from 30 yrs ago who messaged him on Facebook (she is married with 2 kids). He did do the begging and crying for a week but he was still seeing her the whole time. So he wasn’t sorry just sorry he got caught. He had been horrible to me for ages and both my children said he was “too aggressive” when I said we were splitting. This made me feel worse as I’d stayed so long thinking it was the right thing to do, but after the kids said that I felt like this was the wrong decision. So I’m not sad it’s over. But feel very overwhelmed. Have to sell house, buy a smaller one and get a job. I was a stay at home mum so now I feel very vulnerable. He’s being ok with money at the moment but I’m very aware this could change very quickly, especially if the OW leaves her husband. I’m also 50 this year which is depressing. Can’t bare to think about being alone for the next 30 yrs but can’t imagine dating again. I’m trying to stop wollowing in self pity. Think I will feel better once the house is sold.

I'm so sorry, that sounds awful. At least your children understand and it sounds like it will be for the best in the long run. I'm 40 this year- which I also find depressing. I think for me, I was so side-blinded by this its difficult to make sense of. Our marriage was a bit rocky for the last few months ( as I now realise the period he was cheating) but up to that point, very happy. Very few rows, have similar interests, some which we shared and others that we gave the other space and freedom to enjoy. It just doesn't make any sense to me. I never thought I would be a single parent, and that my children would come from a "broken home". I haven't even taken my wedding ring off yet. Just can't face it. I can't face that this really is the end of my marriage.

Has he asked to reconcile? Is he still seeing the OW?
The thing is if you did get back together could you ever really trust him again? I would always be questioning where he was, who he was on the phone too etc? But only you know that.
If he hasn’t asked to reconcile and/or offered you an explanation about why this happened then you have to move on. As hard as it sounds he isn’t the man you thought he was. He was lied to you and your children. He had been selfish and but his own feeling and wants before his families. He has disrespected you and your relationship.

You need to get angry. Try and limit contact ( I know you have to see him when he picks the kids up but keep it as short and sweet as possible), delete him off your Facebook etc
I’ve found listening to break up songs has really helped. I’ve found some great ones to sing out loud to and that’s helped me feel stronger (some days).
We will both get through this and our kids will be fine. I do believe everything happens for a reason.

Get ya self on tinder and make your self feel better. (For a laugh not a relationship) go on holiday etc, work bank shifts on lonely weekends or go to a fitness class. His loss your gain xxx

No he hasn't asked to reconcile, and I don't think I could trust him again. I asked if he was seeing OW still, he said- not at the moment. So so painful. I just want to fast forward 6/12 months. I know I have to limit contact, but we were always such good friends, it's so hard to disentangle myself from him in that way.

Missarad- Thank you, some good suggestions. I do need to keep busy, sometimes I'm quite good with it, other days like today, just very low. Not sure about tinder though!!!

He’s not your friend anymore (maybe in a few years time when you’ve moved on you can build a different friendship).
A friend would not treat you the way he has. You need to realise you deserve better and not accept anything less. It’s his loss.

and huge hugs. I was in your shoes 15 months ago and all I can say is be kind to yourself. 3 weeks is no time at all to grieve for the life you thought you and your children would have. One thing I’ve learned during the last 15months is that it’s very easy to focus on everybody else’s wants and needs and forget about yourself. It’s not your responsibility to make this smooth sailing for everyone. My ex turned nasty very quickly and unfortunately it was witnessed by my DC and the damage that did is still being felt now. He’s forced me through court 5x in 9months and it’s been bloody hard to maintain my composure but I have (I will not stoop to his level). The upside to his approach has meant it’s been very easy for me to fall out of love with him, how can you find a person attractive when their behaviour is so ugly. His relationship with OW continued, I had to cope with the introduction of her without my prior knowledge only for it to all fall apart a few weeks ago. No skin off their noses they didn’t like her anyway but it’s once again left to me to pick up the pieces and explain as best I can.
Be the bigger person for your kids, but don’t forget you. You deserve much more than somebody who has been so careless with your love.

Thank you. You're right coronade, he's not my friend anymore.

Austinrd- it's not my responsibility to make it plain sailing- really resonates with me. I think I've been making it easy for him, for fear of making it hard for me. I suppose in my screwed up way, I think I'm being the way I am in part, because I want him to realise what he's lost. But that's not going to happen quickly so I need to protect myself. I'm sorry you've had a rough time of it too- glad you're out the other side x

The best way you can show him what he’s lost is by really living. Honestly once the initial shock passes you’ll be amazed how strong and independent you are, what an amazing job you’ve done raising and supporting your kids and how resilient they are. You’ll realise that you don’t “need” him like you thought you did. I won’t lie there are good and bad days, I liken it to the tide. Some days the waves crash around you and you struggle to catch your breath, others when you think you’ve got it covered it comes from nowhere and knock you off your feet, the rest of the time the tide ebbs and flows and you barely notice the waves at all.
I too hate to feel out of control and without a plan, so my mantra is now “control the things that are within your gift (the controllables) and let go go the rest.” I’m a better mum for the experience, my bond with my children is so much stronger and we were close before. Xx

One other thing, don’t forget to eat! I struggled to stomach anything for months and the weight fell off (It’s never gone back on - there has to be a silver lining right ). Look after yourself or your no good for the kids x

Yes I am finding the weight loss silver lining! I have been struggling to eat, but better the last few days. The tide analogy is a good one. I feel brighter today. I think posting here has helped. Just got to remember it's such early days and there are women like us everywhere that succeed and are happy. (Thanks men ) One day at a time.