Sick of feeling guilty.

[1smallhamsterfoot]

Hello everyone.

Really glad to have found this resource, not surely where to start.

I am a married woman who still feels trapped by family obligations. My childhood was terrible, both my parents were/are drug addicts and alcoholics and I grew up in a terrible hoarded dirty house, poverty, never having clean clothes or enough to eat. All the money went on drugs and I remember being bullied at school for being dirty and stinking of fags. I could go on about the violence etc forever.

My dad is now pretty much housebound, he can barely walk because he needs two knee replacements but he cannot have them until he loses several stone in weight. He gets disability payments (in the UK) but will not spend his money on anything to help him. He lives in a first floor rented flat which is madly unsuitable as he cannot get down the stairs, he struggles to stagger to the toilet and last time I went he was surrounded in the living room by bottles of urine and a bucket full of poop :sadno:
He lives over an hours drive away from me, and both my siblings live miiiiiles away and can't drive so I'm the 'closest'. My youngest sib is by far his favorite, and over the last year both my husband and I have made considerable effort to visit and try to help him, offer to take him to doctors, clean up etc. Without fail every time his convo goes as follows:

I'm bored, I'm lonely, I feel like I'm in prison, I'm going to kill myself.
I can't live like this anymore.
No I won't have carers/cleaners etc.
Have you heard from [i]younger sib[/i] they haven't contacted me I still haven't met their child (first grandkid).

Absolutely no interest in how I am, considering I have been an inpatient in hospital, lost multiple pregnancies etc. I cannot do it any more. He has a friend who constantly sends me messages, oh your dad is going to kill himself, I am not his carer, you need to step up (you know the drill).

How do I stop this? I am so so sick of feeling guilty and worrying.

What an awful situation to be in OP, have social services or his GP been involved? Sounds like he needs to be safeguarded. Clearly he's got mental health issues and isn't capable of looking after himself. Couldn't the youngest sibling try and get more involved with him with convincing him he needs some help?

I understand your guilt and worry, but you've really already been doing as much as a family member can. Sadly his mental health issues have taken over and he is not capable of thinking about anyone other than himself. Try to keep some sort of distance over it if you can. Don't respond to his friends messages, he's clearly making the situation worse

Thanks for your reply @wobblywinelover I have spoken to social services, and he has had an adult SW and an OT from the local health trust come out. Basically they wanted to help buy putting grab rails etc in but he won't allow it, I had a ground floor flat for him through the council and he refused to even go look at it after I spent weeks sorting it. I have tried so hard to go through the services but he has capacity and they basically say if he wants to sit in filth and spend his money on drugs and booze it's his life.

but he has capacity and they basically say if he wants to sit in filth and spend his money on drugs and booze it's his life

Well there you are. Block the friends calls and stay away.
Honestly don't see what you can do if he won't help himself. Stay away.

This is such a shame.. sounds like you've worked over and beyond to try and help him. If he's got capacity there's not much that can be done, unless things change with illness etc there's nothing else you can do. Please don't feel guilty and definitely don't respond to the friends calls. You've suffered enough at the hands of your parents by the sounds of it too, and your dad has no empathy for you whatsoever. Time to take a step back unfortunately..

Block the lot of them. And don’t you dare feel guilty. He doesn’t want help and is clearly slagging you off to the friend and given them the wrong idea. This is the life he wants so let him live it. Some people genuinely love wallowing in misery

Thanks all. I just feel so guilty as I know it must be hellish sat in one room all day in pain and unable to move but I’m literally out of options. I feel bad if I don’t visit, I feel bad if I do because I just get told to fuck off if I try and help.